Your thoughts on Memorial page

[Lisa]

Friends,

I have talked to Joe about including a Memorial page on this site for friends and families we have lost. I, for one, want to remember every woman, and I find myself already forgetting names.

Joe feels this would be too depressing for those of us fighting to live. I disagree, and want to get your input to share with him.

Love and light,

Lisa

[dee]

It's not the stories of valiant women and men who fought the good fight and then moved on. One reason I find this site so hopeful/helpful, besides the tremendous opportunity to get educated about this subject like no where else, is because of our community of souls who are willing to share our stories, which provides me guidance in the choices I make to take care of myself. At some point, I will be faced with the need to make more difficult choices about end of life issues. I will want and need the stories of those who have gone before me, who've demonstrated what the good fight looks like at the end. Then, there's the simple issue of honoring our departed souls from this struggle to find a cure. Honoring requires remembering. Joe, while I truly respect your opinion in all matters, I humbly submit that mine on this topic is aligned with Lisa's thinking.
dee

[Lolly]

I think it would be fitting, and I myself don't find it depressing to remember those we've lost. I've made and lost friends at my treatment center, and I've kept a record of their names and the leaflet from the services I've been able to attend; not out of morbidity but a desire to honor and remember their lives by not forgetting them. It also helps me stay determined in my fight to stay alive, and carry on in their names.

<3 Lolly

[fourboysmom]

Part of the healing process is remembering those that have fought the fight before us. Let us never forget them. I'm in favor of a Memorial page. Love, Janet

[Sandy H]

If a person does not want to view the site then its their choice. If its there then they can make their own choice. Its not an issue with me either way. Sandy

[StephN]

Sensible as usual, Sandy!

I was thinking that since we have the survivors stories and some of those ladies have been "lost," that at least updating their stories may be appropriate.

It seems to me that the story of the battles won AND lost is the real cancer story - and is simply reality. Should not be a depressing thing, since most of us are still here.

[Bill]

Hi everyone. In my opinion, I don't see anything wrong or depressing about the idea. As stated, most of us have family photo albums of lost family members that we look at from time to time and while it may make us sad, more often than not, we remember the good, happy times. I have countless pictures of Nicola, and know her story well (wink), and when I look at them, I'm inspired by how strong and brave and beautiful and wonderful she was. I think a section on the site devoted to the wonderful people that have passed on would be like that. It wouldn't be too depressing. It would be a "room" where we could go to, and reminisce about them, and remember how much courage and selflessness they showed to others on the site. We're all family here. We need a Family Album. I'd like to go there and see our lost loved ones and reminisce, "oh, yeah, I remember the time so-and-so said......." I think that would help us to regroup and re-focus more quickly and resume the battle against this terrible disease.

[Becky]

It is difficult to decide which way is the right way to go. I think this site should be a hopeful place. A place where advocacy, support and knowledge are rendered unselfishly. This site should represent life and not death. That said, death is part of life. This we all know too well. But I would want newly diagnosed women to come to a place that has faith. A place where they can really believe that everything will be okay because for most early stage women, it will be okay. For the most part, many come and get the advice they need and the support through chemo/herceptin and then they leave. Unfortunately they continue to be quickly replaced by other newly diagnosed women.

Many of our angels will be missed by all of us. But there are some(that have passed on) that women on the site do not know about(because they died long before one joined the group). Perhaps it is best that they are known in our hearts. Their love and courageousness to be incorporated in our souls, their beautiful spirit to be remembered and admired as such than to have a place on this site where what - what would be there? Really - old posts of chemos that did not work? Of their worries and fears. I hope not. I prefer the love in my heart for them and that they are our Angel Warriors who are guiding the newly diagnosed during their most fearful time. Helping them fall asleep at night after many fitful nights. It is the way I think (for me) it should be.

[Leslie's sister]

this is a tough one for sure and I was all signed up for a memorial page, but after reading Becky's post, I get it. I understand those fear filled, sleepless nights that come with the initial diagnosis. I miss ALL the angel warriors, but I want the newly diagnosed to see and feel hope when they come here. I still feel my sister's terror during those first few months and finding the life and energy here is what helped to lift her (and me) up. Today, I would understand and appreciate, the memorial page. As a newbie, I would be terrified.

Lisa

[Bill]

Becky, that's one strength this site has- we are all family, and feel free to voice our own opinions, and hopefully, we all seriously consider other's opinions, carefully. Your comments made me realize that in my post, I used the word "I" alot, and right now, we are all grieving for Kate, Michelle, and Carol, thinking of ourselves, and that's perfectly fine. When you mentioned newcomers, that struck a chord. Those we have lost were all self-less, and Nicola was too, she transformed me into a better man. Perhaps we should think more of the new people coming to the site, instead of our own mourning. I don't see how we can do both at once. A good positive attitude is so important to the fight and beating this disease. If a permanent "room" is devoted to lost Sisters and Brothers, and failed chemos. like Becky said, it may harm others, and do more harm than good. I know I've done a 180 on the issue, and disagreeing with my Angel, Nicola, but we disagreed now and then, and discussed and debated often, but never went to bed mad, haha. Love ya!

[Chelee]

I can remember the day I found this board as if it were yesterday. I was scared out of my mind and searching for anything positive to hang onto. I wanted just a little hope...to know there was really a chance that I might make it through all this. That was so important to me...I was on a mission. (Panic mode.) I didn't want to see anything negative or depressing...I was looking for only positive things. I started looking for women that were my stage or closer that had positive nodes and were still alive. It was so important that I find some. I remember reading signatures and would instantly latch on to the women that were doing great. I remember finding women like Audrey & MichelleU and seeing that they were doing great.

My cancer center was so doom and gloom and they gave me *nothing* to hang on to. I can't stress that enough. I was so relieved to find this board and was even more relieved to find so many of the women doing great years later.

I have to be honest...had I found this board and ran across all the women that had passed away...that personally for me would of been too much at that time. (Could I handle that now...yes.) But I'm with Becky on this one...I really rather this be a place of hope. I remember telling my husband, Mother and anyone that would listen to me that I found this Her2 board and there REALLY is hope for me. I can certainly understand both sides of this issue but I really would hate for any newcomers to find this board and with their luck that is the first thing they would run across and start wondering how long they have to live. That seriously concerns me.

I use to talk via email to Lu Ann, & Sandy quite a bit...they were true angels. They hold a special place in my heart and I just have a feeling they wouldn't want newcomers to run across anything on this Her2 board that would take away their hope or depress them. (I can see both sides of this topic but I'm really worried about the newcomers.)

Chelee

[Mary Jo]

Hello everyone.......
That's one of the reasons this "place" is so wonderful. We are all able to express our views and share what's on our hearts and learn from each other.

I was ready to come here to say that I thought a memorial page would be a great idea. However, like a few others, after reading Becky's post I now see it a bit differently.

We "old timers" (thank God) have grown and come to see life differently (that's a thank God too) but being a newly diagnosed woman or man are at a totally different place. They are scared out of their mind. They definitely do need to read about hope and life. It's truly what keeps you putting one foot in front of the other at the beginning of this journey. I remember when my journey first started.........geez, if I read anything even remotely close to that dreaded "D" word I was done. I just couldn't fathom the "D" word at all. That's what makes the big "C" so frightening, right?

So, my mind is changed. I agree - this needs to be a place where women and men can come to gain knowledge, support and most of all love and hugs from each of us. We can help show them the way.......give them courage.......and then one day, they too, will be the encouragers.

God Bless each of you and thank you for each of you being who you are. You (we) are all special.

Mary Jo

[Mary Anne in TX]

I liked that we set a time in December to remember those we had lost and lighted our candles and prayed for those with wings. It was a meaningful night for me and allowed me to be grateful for those sweet souls we had lost, but then to move back into hopeful and striving for victory! ma

[nitewind]

My first thought, when I read this post, was what a beautiful idea. But the more I think about it, especially after reading Mary Jo's post, was maybe not such a good idea. I think this site is all about hope, I remember when I first read here, I thought, hey, maybe I'm not doomed after all. I'm not saying that we should act as though it never happens, but all of us and mostly the newcomers need to come here and find that hope that I found. Had I come here and first read about all the Angels, I think I would have stayed away after that. We all know that thinking about that "D" word can ruin a day for us and cause us to dwell only on the bad. Since I've been here for awhile now, I can handle reading and thinking about our dear sweet sisters who have gone before us, I love remembering them and going back and reading their posts, but I really believe that the newer people would have a hard time with it. Just my thoughts.
Hugs

[PinkGirl]

Hi Guys,
Every time this discussion comes up, it always ends
the same way..... we want this site to be uplifting
and positive and we don't want to frighten the newbies.

Just another idea - last night I went back and saved
the avatar pictures and signatures of the women who
have died. I put in some little notes to myself to remind
me about Sandy's green shoes and Kate's grandson Eli.
So, I guess I have created my own memorial to these
brave souls.

[Colleens_Husband]

Dear Friends:

I have to tell you that I think a memorial is a good, kind and appropriate gesture. We need to find a way to incorporate a memorial into this site somehow.

I also see Joe's point of view. When I first came to this site, and maybe all of you can relate to this, I was pretty scared of HER2 breast cancer. The information about HER2 you get from other sources is pretty gloomy and scary. Since being here, I realized that you can survive HER2 cancer and I realized it isn't a death sentence. If this site had a memorial forum on the front page, I believe it would have a pretty strong adverse affect on newcomers.

With that in mind, I think we can have a meaningful compromise. I propose we start a 'Chapel' forum. This would be a place where we could have prayer requests, discuss matters of faith, AND we could have a memorial thread so that Kate, Michelle, Nicola, and all the others will not get lost in the flotsam of thousands of posts.

Since God is an important part of the healing process for many of us, creating a sacred place on this site seems appropriate, without needlessly scaring the newcomers.

Lee

[goops]

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I quickly learned not to do any cancer searches on the web because every time I did I found doom and gloom. I later became more brave and started looking things up and that is when I found this board. I was looking for hope. A memorial page would not upset me now - but when I was new it probably would have.

I think we have to also remember that this is Joe and Christine's site, they have done a great job on it and we should trust them to know what is best for the site. If a memorial page was created - Joe would be the person stuck doing it and since he is against the project, we would be asking to much of him.

A possible alternative would be for a member here to create a memorial website. Perhaps Joe would be willing to add a link to it or have the link in a sticky post.

[kcherub]

Was the original idea of a memorial page to move posts from our lost friends? That was not what I thought the original intention was, but now I am not so sure (after reading Becky's post about failed chemos). That would be just silly, time-consuming, and kind of offensive! I need to go back and make sure I didn't miss what the original idea was!

Young Survival has a separate area called the "remembrance board" which is very nicely done. People post about members there, and even post about others that might not have posted on the site, but for whom they want to post a note about. Take a look at it--I think this would be a nice format.

Being a newbie last year was scary no matter what--I do check the remembrance area on Young Survival often, so that I can offer comfort to those who may be posting for a friend, family member or even someone they didn't know personally. I don't post very often on that board in other areas, but do send a short note to that area.

Not sure if this makes sense--I swear the Tamoxifen is giving me brain cell loss!

Just a thought!
Take care,

[PinkGirl]

Krista,
The first post from Love and Light Lisa did not
mention anything about including treatment
history etc. Some of the subsequent posts by
other members did mention this.

My idea of some kind of memorial page does not
include lists of failed chemo attempts. I am talking
about a page of photos to remember and show
respect to our members who have died.

[kcherub]

The reason I brought up the original thread was that I didn't see any final determination on it. To be honest, I envisioned that the original idea as an area on the bulletin board page, where each person could have a thread in their name, and those of us who wish to could post our thoughts there. How wonderful it would be for families of our lost sisters (and brothers) to also have a place to post and to receive responses from us letting them know that we still remember and love their lost ones?

I have wanted to post remembrances from several here on other sites, but it just didn't seem right. They don't "know" us. The inclination, and then not doing so, is the original reason I brought the thread back up when I found it while browsing.

Does anyone know if the format was the issue with not doing it, or just acknowledging that some will be lost? That doesn't really sound like I wanted it to, so I hope that no one thinks I am being sarcastic! It's just the only way I can think to ask. Chemo-brain lives on...LOL

Take care,