Struggling - Page 2

Linda · 04-15-2009, 10:43 AM

Oh, now I understand your herceptin question, Maureen. I'd assumed that H was also part of your six mo neoadjuvant treatment, adding up to a year. Sorry about that.
I'd agree with others about doing a consult, or two or three, if you have any doubts -- although it certainly seems like you are with cutting edge top docs. And you'll have over six months to figure this out, so I wonder if you could even consult other experts by mail/email.
Thank you for taking part in this trial. You are helping other women and hopefully helping establish a successful new protocal that will give you great results.
best
Linda

Mary Jo · 04-15-2009, 10:52 AM

Hi Maureen,

I really have no more to add than what this wonderful group of women already shared with you. Yes, we have all been their....and coming here to share was just the right thing to do. ONLY those of us who have been their can truly understand.

I went through what you are going through around the same time after my diagnosis. I remember it being a rough, scary, constant worrisome time for me. I thought I had a recurrence on a daily basis. That may strike you as funny reading this but TRUST ME when I tell you there was nothing funny about it at the time.

I'm happy to read that you are seeing a counselor. That was a smart move and I'm sure that will help immensely. Have you thought of joining a local breast cancer support group in your area?

Maureen I ask God to surround you with His peace and thank Him for a dear "sister" like you. It was good you felt led to share your heart with us here. I am sure you will find some comfort and understanding from all the women shared with you.

Surrounding you with prayer Maureen,

Mary Jo

mmoons · 04-15-2009, 11:45 AM

All of your sage advice and loving words makes me so glad I finally "dumped" my emotions and posted to you all. I am so touched...and so grateful. Reading each of your posts is like a balm and I will come back and read them over and over...and maybe be less weepy each time...I am so moved all your loving words!

Jean, you asked an excellent question. I called my oncologist, who, as terrific and well-respected as she is, has no ego issues. She explained that the 6 months of Herceptin is the final leg of the clinincal trial. We can and will adjust the treatment plan if needed. She assured me that we would be watching and scanning...and she will not take her eyes off me. Lovely.

I feel better today....lighter. And all of your kindness and loving support is a huge reason for that. I CHOOSE to live and cherish in this moment. I may slip now and then but right now I feel good. My most heartfelt thanks, sisters!

Maureen

schoolteacher · 04-15-2009, 01:47 PM

Maureen,

Hope you are feeling better today.

Amelia

Gabrielle · 04-16-2009, 11:06 AM

Hi Maureen,

I'm in my 10th year of survival; Stage III, 9 positive nodes out of 21; IDC, 5.2 cm tumor, Her2-Neu, estrogen negative.

I was 44 at diagnosis; my kids were 9 and 12, then. Now, I'm writing this from work; my oldest is getting ready to graduate college and my youngest; high school.

You sound like you're getting great care. I didn't get reconstruction until my 6th year; no rush on that.

After your 6 months of Herceptin are up, request another 6 months. Our docs are life-lines but they're not gods. Fight like your life depends on it!

You're entitled. You don't get any points for being a "good" patient.

Very ok to rage, rage, against this disease. No points to be had, either, for being overly docile when anger is appropriate.

But, do put the cancer into the mental small box it deserves and look to the future. You'll be part of it.

Hugs,
-Gabrielle

vickie h · 04-16-2009, 12:18 PM

Hi Maureen,
I've been thinking of you and hope you are feeling better today. I just read your post and agree that rage is necessary at times...without it we become way too complacent. Rage all you need to and then come back to your inner self and let the healing love flow around you. Everyone here has been there- full of doubt, anger, sadness and hopelessness at times in their journeys. There is much to learn and we have been given this disease with no operating manual or instructions. What we do have is the experiences of those around us who have traveled this path before us, our doctors, our loved ones and God (or a higher self).
I am here, holding tightly to your hand, breathing deeply with you, sending you love, healing, and prayers.
Love, vickie

Sherryg683 · 04-16-2009, 09:35 PM

Going through the chemo for me was just the beginning of the battle. You are right, it's the days, months and years that follow that are hard. I felt like a vietnam veteran, totally shell shocked and paralyzed with fear that is was going to come back. The nights were always the hardest, and when I looked at my young daughter who was 7 at the time of diagnosis, I would just hold back the tears. In the past 3 years, I have watched friends and my bother pass from cancer and it just made things even worse. I think I finally reached a point where I decided that I would not let this beast take away my living and joy of life any longer. It has only been in the last 6 months that I have decided that I will not allow myself to be drug down into that hole of hell that I have been in. I could live another 20 years and do I want to look back and say that they were all in fear...definately not. Do I still worry, of course. Am I still fearful...of course..but when it gets out of control, I tell myself to STOP...change my train of thoughts and say I WILL NOT GO THERE. I try to stay busy and do as many enjoyable things as possible to keep my mind busy on the positive. You are just beginning your battle . Please be easy on yourself and you will find your own path to take. If you feel like crying ..do so, it relieves the stress. It is hard for you with 2 young ones and no supportive spouse. But if you just allow yourself to go through whatever feelings you have to go through to heal yourself physically and emotionally, one day you will wake up and cancer will not be the first thing you think of. You will regain your life back, it will just take some time. I am glad to hear you have sisters that you can lean on and who will listen to you when you need someone to talk to. To me that was the thing that bothered me most, no one wanted to hear me talk about my fear of dying or hear me talk negatively. I was trying to sort through things and everyone just wanted to pretend it was all OK and going to be fine. Cancer is a life time sentence that does not end with chemo, but it doesn't have to take the life out of us while we are still living. Hang in there and like I said, give yourself some time...sherry

sarah · 04-17-2009, 12:15 AM

dear Maureen,
Yes, we've not only all been there but unfortunately revisit that place from time to time.
It will pass and you will be able to enjoy life again.
Like you, my cancer is not visible on xrays.
Since you have children, you have an added worry.
You are brave and you will soon be through your treatment and be able to feel once again in charge of your life.
hugs and love
sarah

MJo · 04-17-2009, 06:23 AM

Maureen - I am amazed at how beautiful women look bald. I think you look beautiful. I think I looked beautiful. My survivor friends all looked beautiful to me. I loved not having to dry my hair after a shower. Of course, I am happy to have my hair back, now.

If there is ever a time to pamper yourself and put yourself first, it's during cancer treatment. Even with two precious babies to worry about, I hope you can treat yourself very well.

I didn't have a spouse to help me through treatment either. My mother and brothers acted so frightened and helpless that they began to irritate me. People at work didn't contact me, and now when someone at work is touched by cancer, I make a point to ask them how things are going.

It's hard to believe it now, but the trauma will fade. My last Herceptin treatment was December 2006. Last week I bought one of those pink wrist bands to wear because I am getting back to bad habits. I needed a reminder to be vigilant, care about my health, stress levels, etc. I needed a reminder that every day is precious.

The aggressive treatment they are giving your Stage III cancer sounds amazing. It should wipe out any rotten little stray cells. I think Tykerb is turning out to be a great drug.

God bless and keep writing. You can write anything. We are here for you and we've been there.

chrisy · 04-17-2009, 08:44 AM

Dear Maureen,
See, you have deep wisdom after all. To be able to feel and then share as you did is, I think, part of what helps us heal.

Joan M · 04-18-2009, 04:33 AM

Maureen,

It's normal to feel anxious and you have a lot on your plate especially with your children.

Even though you completely trust your onc, you could get a second opinion as well. That might help you in your decision about how long to take Herceptin.

Hugs and peace of mind to you,

Joan

Believe51 · 04-24-2009, 11:16 PM

Thinking about how you are feeling today. Sending you a refreshing bolt of healing thoughts and prayers.>>Believe51

Believe51 · 05-04-2009, 10:53 PM

Hey Maureen, how are you doing? I wanted to let you know that you and the family are in my prayers. Sending healing energy to you and hoping this post finds you well. Please update us with your treatment, I am wondering how 'Maureen' is.>>Believe51

Vi Schorpp · 05-05-2009, 07:04 AM

I hope your surgery is behind you this morning. I'm sending good thoughts and wishes for you today and also prayed for your surgeon and everyone involved with your surgery.

Vi

PetuniaJan · 05-05-2009, 07:58 AM

Sending you loving healing thoughts. My left breast was removed Feb 27 and today May 5 I have full range of motion and a scar that is healing beautifully. Yesterday our 5 year old neighbor said" Can I be bald too? "as he was helping me in my garden. If we can see ourselves through the eyes of a child we will be on our healing way

Take Care
Love Jan

schoolteacher · 05-05-2009, 09:03 AM

Maureen,

Hope you are doing well. Blessings and prayers coming your way.

Amelia

TSund · 05-05-2009, 12:49 PM

Maureen,

I'm sorry I've not been on earlier; we live near you and would love to offer support. I scanned your blog (terrific writing!)and think you are having your surgery today and your sisters are here with you? Please shoot me an email when you're up to it and especially when you are alone again.

Ruth had many of the same elements and decisions that you've had, large tumors, pre-surgery chemo, no reconstruction due to post-surgery radiation and other factors. AND Dr. O. is our doctor also and we adore her.

The pic of you and your kids is beautiful. Please don't hesitate to ask for anything.

Terri

norwegian · 05-05-2009, 01:17 PM

Dear!
Luckily, we cannot cause more cancer by thinking of it. It is a too heavy burden to carry; that it is our own fault if cancer comes back. Then we would feel guilty - like you,- and that is not only unfair, but also wrong.
This is my opinion, anyway.
Love to you!