Extremely Short Stories for those of you with Extremely Short Attention Spans

[Colleens_Husband]

Many were called. Few were chosen. George overslept and missed the whole thing.

The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Jason was a bit of a genius but he had one debilitating defect. He was born without thumbs. Because of this he was a social networking outcast because he couldn't text message or twitter.

Jason went into his laboratory and invented a device that could recognize his voice and convert his words into text. He was so proud of himself. He brought his invention to Ella Sue. Ella Sue was sad because she was blind and couldn't use the new device.

Jason went back into his lab and modified his texting machine so that the text on the receiving end was converted back into a voice. He liked his new machine but the voice didn't sound like him, so he perfected the machine so that the text was converted into a voice that sounded like the sender.

Jason took his invention outside and showed his friends. His friends laughed at him and said, "Jason, you idiot, you just invented the telephone!"

Jason was incensed, "Oh yeah! It's always the same thing. Pick on the guy with no thumbs!"

The End.

[PinkGirl]

Overlooking the ocean, Eubie and Eunice Unicorn were perched
on some large rocks. The recent heavy rains had diminished to a
light drizzle.

"What's that?" said Eunice. "I think it's Noah's arc honey" replied
Eubie.

"Oh crap ... was that today???" sobbed Eunice.

[Bill]

This was her favorite time of the year. She opened her window, lay across the bed, and closed her eyes. The chirping crickets carried her away, and she drifted....to a time when all she had to do was dance and twirl, arms uplifted, in a field of clover....

[PinkGirl]

People are always amazed at how fast Slowlee drives. Yesterday
he was speeding down a highway and was stopped by the police.
"But occifer, I have to drive fast in case I ferget where I'm going!!!"
cried Slowlee.

[PinkGirl]

"But my hand hurts, Billy" cried Slowlee.
"Karate really makes sense" replied Billy. "You never
know when you might get attacked by a board."

Slowlee took a whack at another board. Grandma looked
out the kitchen window, shook her head, and continued
emptying the flour sacks.

[Colleens_Husband]

Alex and Olivia were newly-weds and were deeply in love. They were as one soul intertwined. However, there was one issue that they would never be able to agree upon.

Alex didn't want Olivia folding his sock and putting them away. You see, Olivia came from a family who owned a chain of automobile tire stores. Rotating tires was a value that was a part of her consciousness that she could not ignore. Olivia would take one thin worn out sock and match it with a thicker new sock to encourage more even wear and thus getting most mileage out of each sock.

Alex understood Olivia's tire rotation upbringing, but it was Alex who was forced to walk around in circles all day.

The End.

True Story.

[Colleens_Husband]

Julie's last pair of scissors finally broke and she couldn't repair them. She went to the local fabric store and bought the largest, best built scissors they had. When she gets home she tries to open the package to get the scissors out but the package was made of thick clear death plastic. She tried opening the package with her teeth but only manage to chip a tooth. She then tried to open the package with a kitchen knife but she broke the blade of the knife. Julie thought, "How can I cut through the death plastic?, I know! Perhaps I could use some large, well built scissors.!"

[Colleens_Husband]

Quentin decided it was time for stepping up and performing his moral and civic duty. He went to the local blood drive to donate blood. He learned two important lessons. First, you can only donate your own blood, and second, you can't deliver the blood in a bucket.

The End.

I am new here and these are hysterical!

[Colleens_Husband]

You do realize that the last post will only encourage the crazies!

[PinkGirl]

"This is crazy!!!" Slowlee screamed to Billy. "You can't live here
with Grandma for the rest of your life."

"Why not?" replied the teary-eyed, sniffling Billy.

"Just because ... like ... you have to grow up ... get a job ... move
out of Grandma's house ... like I did."

"But you hate your job Slowlee" whimpered Billy.

"Yea, well, I thought I wanted a career but I only wanted the
pay cheques."

[Colleens_Husband]

Oh and one more thing, there are a lot of 'in' jokes going on around here and everything is funnier than you think. If you read a thread called 'Might need help with Lee', things might make a little more sense. Or not........

[Colleens_Husband]

Jill answered the knock on the door. A seedy little man with a cheap suit was waiting patiently on her doorstep with a tattered briefcase.

"Hello, I am Arnold Armbuster and I am pleased to announce you have won the Grand Prize Giveaway Thingy. May I come in?"

Wary of similar home invasion burglaries in her neighborhood, Jill was prepared. "Do come in Mr. Armbuster."

The seedy little man entered her doorway and Jill reached behind the door and took out her aluminum baseball bat, raised it over her head and bashed in Mr. Armbuster's head.

Two weeks later, Jill received a check in the mail for $20,000 from the Grand Prize Giveaway Thingy.

The end.

[Colleens_Husband]

Melvin was extremely pleased that the town finally erected a statue of him in the middle of the town square. The statue didn't look like him and there was some strange name on the bronze plaque beneath the statue, but that didn't bother Melvin in the least.

The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Sandy and Wilma, the neighbors across the street, buy the smallest bag of potatoes they can find, but the can't eat them all before they start to go bad. They bring us a half bag of potatoes every now and then so the potatoes don't go to waste. I call them the potato faeries. They brought over half a bag of potatoes but they weren't free-range potatoes. We were polite and accepted them anyways. The End

[PinkGirl]

Toni's friend was very happy to be the successful bidder on an
unframed Ducks Unlimited print. Toni graciously offered to drive her
friend to the church to pay for the print and bring it home to her
husband. When Toni and her friend put the print in the back of Toni's
hatchback the print happened to slide down just as Toni was closing the
door. The print will have to be framed in a "special" way. The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Elanor started counting her blessings. After she reached No. 43, she realized that she was blessed by not having a big, red, wrinkled butt like the baboons at the zoo. After some reflection she moved the baboon thing up to no. 3 on her list.

The End

[Colleens_Husband]

Miss Emily, the widowed dowager of an immense fortune summoned James, her driver, to the parlor.

"James, you are an excellent driver and you take such great care of the cars, however one Tuesdays, your day off, when I drive the car myself, I hear the most terrible screeching noises when I step on the brakes. James, I want the car fixed and in tip-top order."

"Yes ma'am, I will take the car to the mechanics immediately."

The next week, James was once again asked into the parlor. "James, I thought you were going to get the brakes repaired. Did you take the car to the mechanic?" asked Miss Emily.

"Yes ma'am, I took it to the mechanic and he said the brakes were in perfect working condition, I drove the car around myself for half a day and I heard no such noise."

"That may be true James, but just yesterday I drove the car and tht same terrible screeching noise occurred several times." Miss Emily chided.

"Perhaps if I were to be in the car while you drove it, I could find out what the problem is. It could be the transmission or the drive train."

After the ride James and Miss Emily met in the parlor. "Well James, did you hear that noise."

"Yes I did ma'am."

"So are you going to repair the car?" asked Miss emily.

"No ma'am."

"And why not?"

"Because ma'am, the sound you heard was the primal screams of pedestrians fleeing for their lives."

The End

[Jackie07]

A Mother-in-law is teaching her foreign-born daughter-in-law some 'country' sayings. "For example," she says, "You can not make chicken pie out of chicken doodoo."

"I just did," declares the proud daughter-in-law, "I just helped my husband get his college degree."

True story.