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Old 06-25-2011, 02:30 PM   #1
Merry
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Stuck Inside a Cloud

Hello all you lovely, understanding and caring people. I'm listening to George Harrison's last cd called "Brainwashed." He wrote it as he was dying from his own battle with cancer. Stuck Inside a Cloud is one of the songs and it's so lovely.

Anyway, the point is....my beautiful, scrappy Mom lost her battle with cancer on June 13. She did it her way, she didn't linger in pain while cancer ate away her insides, she said that was her biggest fear.

We went to my cousin's for a casual dinner party in honor of her daughter graduating and her husband's 55th Birthdayj on the 11th. I bought her a pretty new blouse that she insisted I take back because it was too expensive, and by HER resale shop standards, maybe it was but it was covered in pastel butterflies and looked so nice on her that I told her to shut up and wear it!

I fixed her hair the way she liked it best, packed up the oxy tank and we boogied. The "kids" waited on her like she was a Queen, or maybe just the Elder Matriarch of our family, and she was basking in the attention and loving every minute of it. She got to see her favorite great nephew Graham, (who I think reminded her of her own little bro when they were young) and they had a nice talk, and compared their blonde curls. ( I gave Mom her first perm lol) We were sitting around the dining room table and telling family stories, and I teased Mom about all the "senior abuse" I was subjecting her to and was GONNA subject her to like putting a helium tank on her instead of oxygen, or nitrous oxide...ha she said with a grin!

She was certainly the Belle of the Ball, the Grande Dame and it felt like Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the Birthday Parties in a life rolled into one magical night as everyone poured their love on her and she basked and took it all in and it seemed to wipe years away til she looked young, strong and vibrant and full of sass.
She never even had to use her oxygen, which by now she had been on 24/7. This WAS a magical night, and it was a gift from God, to have her so strong and beautiful.
We had a delightful ride home just talking about the night and other good times. We got home and she put on her pjs and settled in on the couch with the TV and I was making her and her dog some peanut butter toast for a midnight snack. She "accidently" found some soft porn and excitedly called me in to see "what this woman was doing to this man" but all you could see was her hair covering up the "good parts," lolol. I thought she had fallen or the oxy machine quit on her, but it was just silly Mom, wanting to show her daugther something wild...and it made me laugh when she said she was going to just watch it long enough to see the "perky boobs" and I told her that I was glad she was enjoying her porn but that I could NOT watch it with her!
Sunday she was quiet but not unusually so, and I fixed her a bit of breakfast and tea. We knew she was gonna have to get her lungs tapped sooner than scheduled, so she had to take things slower than usual.
She collasped in the kitchen late afternoon, and was rushed to the hospital.
When I got there with clothes for her because I figured she'd rally and need clean stuff to wear home....she wasn't really there anymore. She was unconscious and wouldn't ever wake up again....they said something about a massive heart attack or a stroke.

We got her into a private room, and I set up my laptop next to her bed with some Native American flute music playing because it's so spiritual, calming, mystical, and she loved it so much.

Finally, Monday morning, while I watched her breathing get easier since our doc put her on a morphine drip, I was rubbing her feet and telling my pretty Mama that it was OK to go the that Far Country and that I would be ok...I'd miss her awfully bad but it was OK...just go and be with her dear sister Micki, who was waiting for her just across that Rainbow Bridge....and she stopped breathing. My Mama was no more....
And so I'm stuck inside a cloud today, but it's not a rain cloud...it's bright white, surrounded by an ocean of blue sky, and if I look hard a little to the left, I can see her smiling that smile and waving at me telling me it's alllll ok and to get that car packed UP and get the HELL outta Dodge and back to my husband, the other boxer, and the desert hills I love so much.

So, as I sit on the deck, surrounded by the pots of flowers we planted together, looking at the hummers dancing and sparring at the feeder, feeling the Summer sun warm my broken heart, I know she's just to the left of me....sending me her Mother's Love...and winking at me while I read those letters an old flame wrote to her many years ago....oh my!

I've found in all of this that there is no love like a Mother's Love. Dad, bro, sis, wife or husband will love you, but NEVER love you with the strength that a Mother loves her children with. That's where the pain is, not having my Mom here to tell me it's ok and to kiss the "owie" and make it all better again.

Thanks for letting me run on and on and I hope your eyes aren't burned out from all my wordiness.

Mom didn't want a funeral service, no obit notice, and her ashes are on the end table by the couch where she once sat and watched TV. I bought 2 small urns for my brother and myself, and I'll fill them before my uncles, her last 2 brothers and I take her ashes to the cemetery and bury them with her husband and the little baby she lost long ago.

Farewell Mamacita, you taught me how to garden, to love the earth, the animals, the stars, and mostly to laugh. love and to live.
Save me a hug...and I'll see ya when I get there...
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:00 PM   #2
KDR
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Merry, so beautifully written. What a wonderful life you had with your mother, and I am so happy her transition was smooth. How lucky you both were to have each other.
Yours,
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December 2013: Something brewing. PET lights up on little spot on liver; CEA upward trend, just outside normal. PET and triphasic liver scan confirm Little Met. Restart Perjeta with Herceptin, stay on Arimidex. Genomic sequencing completed for future treatments, if necessary.
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July 2014: Begin Gemzar, Herceptin & Perjeta. Happy.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:01 PM   #3
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Thank you and sorry for the long story, lol your eyes are probably in need of a rest. It's just nice to have a place to "say" it. I'm so "talked out" here in real life and conversations just make me exhausted. I have to deal with the credit card companies, insurance companies, medical people, bankers, lawyers, and I'm surprised I've not had an Indian Chief yet, LoL. I think that when I get back home to the desert, I'm gonna sleep for a week! And I'm looking forward to the dry, quiet solace of the desert hills.
I truly appreciate everyone's input, good vibes and sharing....being a caretaker of a loved one is the hardest thing I've ever done...even when I won my battle with cancer some 20 odd years ago, that was a cake walk compared to caring for my Mamacita. God bless everyone!
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Old 06-26-2011, 12:44 AM   #4
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Oh Merry, I have been thinking so much about you and your mom. What a way to go! Should we all be so lucky. That butterfly blouse was a great investment in wonderful memories of her last party, just 2 days before she passed. So much better than a funeral or memorial service. How blessed you all were. I loved the bit about her and the porn-it says so much about her beautiful ability to wear the world lightly and find the laughs where they came. You can look back and know you did a splendid job during these difficult months . As you battle your way through the tedious business, I'm glad to know you are getting closer to your home in the desert. I'll miss you,
Trish
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:20 AM   #5
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Merry,

Beautifully done.

Do remember to take good care of yourself now...
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Old 06-28-2011, 08:44 PM   #6
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Trish...thank you so very much for your kindness and truth. You helped me so much with your encourgment...everyone here did. It was so easy to "talk" to you, and the other posters because you undersand where I am, where I was. Sometimes the people we know in "real" life don't get it or can be overwhelming with solicitude, if that makes sense? lol

I hate the thought of leaving here. My brother will obliterate the memoy of my Mom at her house. He won't take care of the flowers or the trees she planted. And he's already got his drunk friends sleeping it off in the yard. I wish he'd just hurry and pay me what I want for my half of the house so I can pack up and just go. There's nothing worse than a drunk slobbering and slurring about a death in the family...sheesh.

I'll stop by here from time to time to see how you all are. Thanks again for all the love and good vibes....peace, G
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:24 AM   #7
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Merry it has been a pleasure 'knowing" you and I have appreciated your honesty and skill in articulating the issues. Hope you are dealing with the business OK and hope to hear from you some time when you eventually get back to the desert.
Trish
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6 cycles(FEC), Oct 40 rads, Tamoxifen
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oopherectomy, Arimedex
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liver mets largest 9cm
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Herceptin,
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Herc alone
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4/2011
Tyk+Herc+Femara
6/2011
Liver and bone mets prog.Abraxane continue Herceptin,Tykerb,Femara and Zometa
8/2011
Probable liver progression and increased neuropathy. Xeloda with Tyk+Herc. Zometa 6 weekly.
9/2011
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Old 07-05-2011, 09:21 PM   #8
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Thanks a zillion Trish for all the good vibes and advice and support.
I'm now trying to clean out Mom's room...I finally got my gumption up and cleaned out a dresser. It's a start! I didn't cry too awfully much, but there were alot of sentimental things that triggered good memories. I just wish I could find friends or family who can wear some of her clothes. I'll donate them to her favorite resale shop but it bugs me that strangers will wear some of her pretty things. Yeah, I'm weird!

My brother is not speaking to me. He just wants to have his drinking buddies over and drink. It's like he's the only one who lost a Mom...jeez...lol.
And he is mad because Mom left the house to both of us and I want him to buy me out before I go back to the desert. I cannot be a co owner of this house because he will destroy it. He says I'm a bloodsucker and it's not fair that HE has to pay for something HE should have gotten in the first place....and so it goes...I can't even deal with my own grief because I have to put up with his hostility, his drinking, and his drunk friends hanging around. At least they don't come inside the house, but it hurts to have him avoiding me like I have cooties....
So the saga continues like some kind of weird, third dimension soap opera that I'm trapped in...I like the cloud better and hope to get back to that happier place one of these days....God bless you Trish and keep you srrong and safe all your days....peace, G
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Old 07-12-2011, 09:51 PM   #9
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Watch out for a troll..got a strange email from someone who said they read this thread but it's written in very bad English. They wanted to complain that some other language should be used here. I shoulda told theme before I deleted that "there's an app for that." SNICKER
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Old 07-12-2011, 10:39 PM   #10
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Thanks for the warning. Hope the settling of affairs is going OK and you willbe homw soon.
Trish
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:30 PM   #11
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Yeah! It was a strange email for sure! It's a shame that the "freaks" of the world also found their way to the Internet, lol

Trish, I had to go to the license branch to transfer a car title and I was fine on the way there, listening to music, enjoying the summertime....but then it hits me that I won't be talking to Mom about something I saw or thought of....and I get so sad all over again and have to choke back tears...jeez...does it ever get easier?
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:59 PM   #12
Trish
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

It must get easier but maybe not really fast. I really don't know. I liked hearing that you were enjoying the music but I also liked that you thought of your mum and wanted to share those things with her. Better to have loved and lost etc...There isn't much that The Bard hasn't thought of in the affairs of men......
Trish
PS I just note I typed "mum" (which is what we say in Australia) not "mom". Freudian? It is 25 years since my mum died on Wednesday. We were both relatively young when she died and she was very debilitated but she was with it cognitively and was being my mum and taking care of me the best way she could right up until when she died. You can't say fairer than that.
I would like that for my kids.
__________________
5/2004 (R) 30mm bre gr3 infiltrating ductal ca 16/18nodes er (2+) pr (3+) HER2 (3+)
6/2004
6 cycles(FEC), Oct 40 rads, Tamoxifen
5/2006
oopherectomy, Arimedex
12/2006
liver mets largest 9cm
1/2007
Herceptin,
3/2007
Taxol + Herc
1/2008
Herc alone
4/2008
Multiple bone mets,Zometa
7/2008
Herc + Gemcitabine
8/2008
Herc+Navelbine/vinoralbine
10/2008
Herc+Carboplatin+Taxol
12/2008
Tykerb+Xeloda
2/2010
Herceptin + trial drug
5/2010
Herceptin+Tykerb
8/2010
Tykerb+Abraxane
9/2010
Abraxane
12/2010
Abraxane+Tyk+Herc
4/2011
Tyk+Herc+Femara
6/2011
Liver and bone mets prog.Abraxane continue Herceptin,Tykerb,Femara and Zometa
8/2011
Probable liver progression and increased neuropathy. Xeloda with Tyk+Herc. Zometa 6 weekly.
9/2011
Liver progression,TM +++. Cyclophosphamide and Methotrexate metro Herc Zometa
10/2011 liver mets prog.Herc, 3 Tykerb +2mg decodron daily,Zometa
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Old 07-17-2011, 03:44 PM   #13
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

I like the word "Mum." Funny how it was probably the same when the Pilgrims came to America and somehow it changed to "Mom." Close!

I had a friend tell me that we never get over losing our Moms. She's the one who loves us no matter what and for all time.
I got all weirded out and emotional this morning while going thru some of her Christmas decorations. She and my Aunt (together in that Heavenly Shopping Mall in the Sky, lol) loved Christmas and decked themselves out as well as their homes, and collected snowmen....so I find this fluffy, cuddly stuffed snowman and just began to weep over it. I laid down next to her/my dog and he's looking at me like I'm a stupid human stealing his space on the bed, lol. No sympathy from that furbag!
A funny thing happened yesterday evening. I was washing out some dishes and when I was thru, I went into my bedroom to do some stuff. I heard the phone ringing in the kitchen and got up to answer it. It wasn't ringing! But I left the water on in the sink and I think that Mom was telling me to shut the damn water off! LoL It sure felt like her in my head.
I never had kids, so now I wonder who gets to take care of MY old ass when the time comes, lol I have no one so I just hope the nursing home facility has a good LSD drip or some kind of good drug...lol

I have tentative plans to have the family gather together at a favorite pizza place Mom liked so we can have an informal memorial for her in Aug. I hope to leave for the desert end of Aug early Sept. I really don't wanna drive in the hottest part of the summer. This humid weather is nasty. I don't mind the dry heat. Plus, my husband is watching too much home shopping and buying things!! YIKES! He got a new vacuum, some kind of air purifyer, a surround sound system for that horridly huge tv, a junk stereo from some poor homeless guy with a family, so I have to get back there and make him stop!! LoL He's on the verge of buying a flat screen for the bedroom and it'll be too big, just like the one he got for the living room. I HATE IT! lol It'd be different if he liked to watch movies, sports, but not him, lol
I miss telling Mom about my conversations with my husband. I'm not gonna like Christmas much this year either....
Thanks Aussie for your kind words and thoughts! lol Peace, G
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Old 07-17-2011, 10:48 PM   #14
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Home shopping alert-you are not getting back to that home in the desert a moment too soon! Soon you won't be able to fit. My mum was cared for in a specialist hospital/hospice at the end of her life and that is how she wanted it and at 28years of age that is how I wanted it too. I feel the same way-I don't want my kids putting their lives on hold for me (it must be transgenerational) and I want to be their mother (cognitive relatively OK if I am lucky enough) till the end. Whatever age they are. Or that is the theory at this point. I hope that snowman finds a place in your desert Christmas this year and you find ways of remembering your mom without too much sadness.
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:56 AM   #15
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Thanks Trish..ya know, I keep looking at your dog's face and it appears not to have any ears, lolol and the expression is so cute!
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Old 07-21-2011, 10:52 PM   #16
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

He does have ears despite appearances to the contrary-will post a different photo some time-can't have you thinking that perfect Archie is deformed!
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Old 07-22-2011, 11:03 AM   #17
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You are a wonderful person and I admire what you did and I have also lost my Mother.
It hurts like no other hurt.
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Old 07-22-2011, 12:34 PM   #18
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

I watched my mom freak out when she lost her mom (my grandmother). She had a long life and went quick. I couldn't understand why my mother wanted to hang on to everything she received from her. She would get upset if we broke a water glass that was her's. Now I see my mother getting slower with age and know it won't be too long before she can no longer take care of herself and I can understand why she hung on to those memories through her personal belongings. The sad feelings of loss will lesson over time but the happy memories will always stay and that is why we live our lives to create memories that no one can take away.
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Old 07-24-2011, 08:53 AM   #19
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

Oh Trish...he looks too adorable with his curly head all cocked to one side...his curls must hide his ears! My Mom had a mutt once named Heidi and a chocolate small poodle named Oliver who took advantage of Heidi one summer. She had pups and one of them was born with deformed ears. They were just "nubs" so Mom named him Nubbins and kept him from the litter. He was a sweet dog and I usually don't care for small dogs, I've always had large dogs but Nubbins was one of the exceptions.
Archie looks so soft that I bet he's fun to cuddle up with on the sofa watching tv...lol.
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:42 PM   #20
Merry
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Re: Stuck Inside a Cloud

I probably should start another thread, but I still feel like I'm stuck inside a cloud, and I heard the song again today, go figure! lol
I'm all moved now, and living in the SW Desert where the sun always shines and it rarely rains, except inside my heart whenever I miss my Mom. But, time steals and love heals. I may be as far away from my home and family as can be, but their love follows me and keeps me strong just knowing that they care...plus, it's going to get very cold back there, and they're gonna get inches of snow very soon while I'm "basking" in the clear skies and bright sunshine of the warm, dusty desert!
I hope that everyone here had a marvelous Holly Day and here's hoping that the Mayans are wrong, and we all have a groovier and happier 2012!

Just keep looking up, and you'll always see the Light....Peace and Love, G
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