Is anyone ever afraid to make plans?

[KellyA]

Is anyone ever afraid to make plans for the future, because your worried about recurrance? I seem to be having a lot of difficulty A). feeling motivated to do things and B). taking new risks because of the fear of cancer returning.

I work a very easy part-time job right now, and it has been nice. I have just been offered a chance at a new job that is full time and a little more demanding, but a wonderful find because it is at my children's school, is alot more money, and is just generally a big step up. Before cancer, I would have jumped on it in a second. Now all I can think about is, "would I be able to work this job if cancer came back? Will I feel the same bond that I felt with my current co-workers?" I know (because I have done it now) that I could work the current job if I needed more treatment. I feel "safe" in the current job. The new one seems very scary and I feel so insecure. I know that I have to go on, and live life to the fullest, but I am not that far out from dx, and still feel so unstable.

I notice that I feel this way really about so many things- just change in general, actually. Whether its about looking for a larger home (which we desperately need), making new friends, anything really. I've always been a creature of habit, but it's much worse now.

Is anyone else ever afraid to dream, make decisions, etc. because of what the future may hold?

Love, Kelly

Yes, Kelly, I'm in the same situation. On Tuesday, we're buying a house ten hours away from New York City and I've been low for the last week about that change and also about finishing my herceptin treatment this week. I believe we've built up a sense of false security and are afraid of losing it. In the past I was always willing to follow my husband in any of his ideas and now I'm afraid to give up what I know even though it's not really what I want.

Nevertheless, we're going through with the purchase because I feel in my bones that it's the best thing for both of us. If you really think this job is right for you, I would suggest you take it. If you have a recurrence, you'll find the way, but don't stop doing what in your heart you know is best in the long run. And there is a long run.

[Mary Anne in TX]

Kelly, I bet we've all felt (feel) the same way! I live over 3 hours away from the treatment center and have labored over whether I should be closer. But changing anything it so hard. Moving a chair in the room is even hard. But I know that keeping on keeping on gives me the bestest life! It's just so hard to do.
I am finding that as I get into this 20th month and my mind is clearer (or at least I'm so far gone I think I'm clearer) and I have some distance from the surgery and chemo that it is easier to "think about" a "real life" again!
Probably having more energy and spending more time with my grandkids nudges me on. It's hard to stay stuck with little voices calling grandma and expecting to hear a "regular grandma" reply!
Good luck with your tiny to giant step process! You know that you are really wonderful and can do it! You decide! You did chemo...you can do anything! much love, ma

[dberg]

Oh yes! I understand that feeling. I told my husband I was no longer contributing to my teacher retirement account until further notice! I was ready to spend my IRA for reconstruction too. Somehow, dear girl, you move on though. I am 3 years out from dx, hardly out of the woods, but feeling like I might be. I had a bone scan Friday and told my onc I really didn't WANT one because I didn't want to know if anything was there. Only people with bc would understand that. But today, I spent about 6 hours getting ready for my first grade classroom. You just have to move on and at some point you will feel like you can.

[Becky]

Dear Kelly

I am just a few weeks away from my third cancerversary. The only thing I am afraid to move on from is my employer. I moved in February, 2006 (18 months out from dx) because I NEVER liked the house I was in and swore I wasn't going to die there. It was exhausting to move (I was still on Herceptin having been one of the lucky ones who could receive it "late"). My husband and I went on an alone vacation - the only one we've had since having our daughters and it was planned and paid for 7 months in advance.

My problem with my job is many fold. I got a new assignment which isn't really what I want to do. I could leave but there are many things to consider. These include that I get a pension at this company (many companies (including this company) do not give pensions to new employees - they might match more 401K $ but no pension), I have been there and get short and/or long term disability if I should recur (a new company would give you this after you have worked there a year - what if I leave and recur quickly?), and lastly, I have great benefits in which I do not need referrals and they've denied me nothing so far (I wouldn't leave without benefits that didn't cover pre-existing conditions). But I would much rather be in sales (I was a sales mgr - rather just be a rep) and now I am in marketing (ughhhh).

So, we all have our fears of change - I will probably not leave as in 6 years, I can retire (they have this age and years of service thing) and I will still be young enough to do my own thing.

You need to weigh the job's benefits to the chance of recurrence but the other perks of the new job. You are younger than me (by 10 yrs) so you don't have 23 yrs at the company you are currently at. However, you have decades to live and earn a living (and to buy that bigger new house you need NOW). So, start small - get the house. You and your family need a bigger house and will need it regardless of your situation. And its fun to get and redo your way (new paint and wallpaper - maybe furniture too). The job could come later except for the fact that this job is available now. But it is one job and there might be dozens that are also perfect for you too.

I didn't want to wait on everything because I figured that if I did, I really would die in my old house - of old age, frustration and boredom. Lots of people thought I was nuts (probably some on this board as I reported my massive packing project) but it was one change that has made the world of difference to me. Next stop, job hopping maybe.

[CLTann]

Once you are diagnosed with bc, the dark cloud is over you regardless what stage you are classified. I think all of us have this concern of making major decisions. Deep in our head, we know we must take the possibility of recurrence as a factor in making sound judgment. In your case, you have a near dream job that means a great deal for your career and income. I would consider the health insurance as one of the major factors in accepting or rejecting the offer. If the new job will pay for pre-existing conditions in future treatment, I would think you should accept it. Also keep in mind that the most likely period of recurrence for HER2 patients is 12 to 18 month after dx. This is another factor to consider. Wish you best of luck.

[Angela]

My husband wants to take me on my dream vacation which is to go to New England in the fall. I have order information and looked up places to visit on the website but I can't bring myself to make any reservations. I am so afraid that I won't feel good and it will ruin our vacation. I am still on herceptin and some days are great and some days it is all I can do to get dressed and sit on the couch.

[juanita]

About 6 months after I was diagnosed I totalled my car and had to get a new one. I felt so guilty having to because I was sure I was going to die and not ever get to drive it.

[Sherryg683]

Yes, I go from feeling why the heck bothering to buy new clothes for myself, to going on a shopping frenzy to make myself feel better. I always tell my sister that she will have one heck of a wardrobe if I go. Lately, I've been into redecorating the rooms of my house, sort of like at least if I go, things will look good for awhile. As far as work, I've slowed down major on that. I am an artist and have a business on ebay that I devoloped and did very well with over the last 7 years..now Im lucky if I list an item a week. My priorities have changed major..sherryg683

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

Kelly ....

I know how you are feeling about making future plans,,,,I felt the same way and must admit I still have thoughts of what if....

but let me tell you ladies - I have been fortunate enough to be here after 11 1/2 years and living with active cancer. I would think about Xmas and then tell myself, if I am still here. Then I would want to put up a new front door,,, then I would think, I won't be here to get that "little project done" well I installed the door about 7 years ago,paint the house, well that was 10 years ago, plan a trip... took them and made it through with wonderfu experiences AND the best have seen 5 more grand children added to my list.

SO ladies I say GO FOR IT and try to get past the worries of what COULD happen, instead plan for what a good time you WILL have. If I had not done so, I would be sitting around "waiting" for the day, which I refuse to do.

Good luck to everyone and God Bless..

[Brenda_D]

I told my husband I don't know whether to plan for the future or my funeral.
It this point I am planning for next spring, as far as gardening, planting, etc, but as much as I'd like to go on a vacation this fall, I'm afraid I couldn't stand the trip from a "pain and fatigue point of view". I don't know from day to day if it's going be a decent day, or a bad one that I'll end up sleeping most of the day.

[sadie]

I also have many days when I am very indecisive because I don't know what the future holds. Even re-decorating my house (which I used to love!) is a challenge for me. I want to re-decorate to my own tastes, but then I hesitate because deep down I am thinking "decorate to prepare to put the house on the market" just in case.
I also used to love shopping for certain types of clothes. Now, I've gained so much weight with my treatments and am having a very hard time getting the weight off, that I hate ANY kind of clothes shopping.
I used to be very active, but my legs & feet hurt so much somtimes, that I cannot do alot of the things that I used to do. I used to clean my house weekly (and loved the feeling afterward); now I'm lucky if I clean once a month! In a way, that makes it even more depressing, because I'm always thinking about everything that needs to be done, and it seems so overwhelming. It's a vicious circle.
I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one who is having a problem "moving on". I am due for my yearly physical next month and once again, I am getting super nervous. October will be 2 years since my diagnosis. It brings back all the initial feelings. Last year, I was a nervous wreck until Christmas when I finally had all of my annual test results come back ok. The Christmas season will probably never be the exciting, happy time that it used to be for me.
I also feel like everyone in my family looks at me like a ticking time-bomb.
("When will she get a re-occurence?"). I wish I could put it all behind me, but I'm afraid I will jinx myself the day that I finally am able to move on and not worry about it coming back.
Does that make sense?
Glad I found this site to release some of this tension I am feeling.
Thank you.
Sadie

[Believe51]

My husband and I were always very busy and had to always make time for things. Our needs are simple right now, I just want him to conquer this disease just long enough to know what NED feels like. We are going away on September 7, it will be his one year cancerversary and we need it to be a happy time, especially since his prognosis was not all that great at dx!!

That is the only plan we have right now. If he feels well, we go out (even if I am not into leaving the house!!). As for other plans, we do not make many anymore and I am still trying to get used to that. Sometimes I want to make plans or a surprise but do not want him to feel obligated to go or sad that he cannot.

How is this for our next plan??: The next plan is to meet some of our friends at a meeting with NED!! Again, even that may make him feel bad if he does not follow through, but cancer is very unpredictable and it is not all in his hands!! As for me, I will take him anyway he is and for as long as I can. He will never know how my heart breaks for him that he remain planless in his disorganized world. When he is feeling better, we will be making light plans with no obligations.

My Plan: My plan includes just being able to hold him when I am scared or happy and kiss that cheek as long as possible. I want to achieve that normalcy we so miss and slowly we are regaining. Baby steps right now, but we plan on making plans in the future even though that feeling of fear needs to go.

I am glad you are finally making your own. Like you said if not now, when?? Since cancer came, we have little fear of anything else. Hope you liked the motorcycle ride, nothing like the air flowing through your hair, I really miss the rides. Yes some may say that it is dangerous, but so is crossing the street here! Live for today Lovey...and I too cannot wait to be adventurous again. Keep running with the scissors, enjoy the car and let us know when you are doing the next grande adventure. This weekend we are going on a plane ride with a friend at night, it is that baby step again.

Cannot wait to grow up like you!! Keep Believing>>Believe51

[MJo]

Funny you should ask, although this isn't about planning. I just came from the dentist and need to cap my four front teeth, which are wearing out. The thought ran through my head "is it worth it. What if my cancer recurs. Shouldn't I spend all that money on a trip around the world."

As for planning, I have no trouble with short-term planning. The long term is much fuzzier now than it was before cancer.

[fauxgypsy]

I do know what you mean. As I am sitting here I am just beginning to accept that I may not die of this. To believe in this miracle. I have been listening to my doctor the last few weeks as we discuss all my tests being negative, all the negative pathology reports, girding myself everytime we do a new test, trying not to plan anything. It is very hard to believe that my future might not include cancer. I will always have to live with the thought of recurrance as any survivor will, but this is a far cry from my earlier diagnosis. It is almost as if it I think it will recur if I relax and accept the good news.

I am self-employed (artist and faux finisher) and have been searching my soul about job hunting. I worry that the physical part of my work will be too much after my mastectomy. I am on medicaid now but I worry about insurance and benefits. I wonder if I should try to get back in research. Use my degrees (biology, genetics). I really like having a variable schedule, a certain amount of freedom and I don't know if I could ever be happy in a nine to five position again. I don't want fear to drive me but it is there. So for the next few months I am, at a very good friend's suggestion, trying to let it go. I will finish my herceptin, I will see how my scans are and I will continue to take life one day at a time. My daughter can help me with the faux finish work, hopefully my fine art work will start selling and either way I do not have to make a decision right now. Good luck with your decision.

Leslie