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Survivor's Guilt
Next week is a big week for me. I go for scans, MRI and Bone. I definitely am nervous as I am coming up on 3 years. But something inside me feels guilty. I was told that my cancer was aggressive, it popped up in 6 months after a clear mammo and I was Stage 2b. My doctors said I had a shot at a cure but to also be aware that this cancer tends to come back within the first 3 years. So, subconsciously, I have been bracing myself for the last three years. And here I am. I feel good, other then the odd aches and pains, I have energy, my scans have so far been clear...I'm cautiously happy. However in the last 3 years I have seen many many people die from this crap, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and people I was in treatment with. I have dealt with each loss differently but the last one, Jessica (38, with two little kids) did me in. I am struggling with guilt. Why am I here and she isn't? She was ER+ only. They caught it relatively early like me. But yet, she's gone.
Does anyone else get survivor's guilt? How do you deal with it? I need to get a grip because I find myself crying in traffic when certain songs come on and I end up walking into work a mess.
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DX 10/2011
PET Scan + MRI 10/2011
Lumpectomy 11/11/11
Stage 2B +++ ER+(10%), PR+(5%), HER2+++(1 positive node, 1 micromets to second node)
AC started 12/2011 ended 1/2012
Taxol + Herceptin weekly for 12 weeks ended 4/2012
30 zaps of radiation done 6/2012
Tamoxifen 6/2012
every 3 weeks of Herceptin for another year.
Metformin Trial 8/12
10/12 MRI- CLEAR
01/13 BRAIN MRI- CLEAR!
01/13 Neck MRI- CLEAR!
FINISHED HERCEPTIN 1/9/2013...Woot Woot
Starting Walter Reed Vaccine Trial 2/13
CT Scans + ultrasound of abdomen CLEAR-5/13
02/2015 through 11/2015 emergency D&Cs for Tamoxifen induced uterine polyps which caused uncontrollable hemorrhaging
12/2015 blood clot to left leg caused by Tamoxifen. No longer taking it. On Xarelto, a blood thinner
12/2015 Ablation to prevent hemorrhaging from potential issues with Tamoxifen residue in my system
1/2016 continuing journey without hormonal therapy. Reevaluating the option of a hysterectomy and oopherectomy.
4/1/2018 2mm stroke. Yes, stroke! No cause ever found but they believe it was a migraine that went bonkers and created a tiny clot. No deficits. I was back to normal with 24hrs. Now on baby aspirin for life.
7/27/2018 hysterectomy and oopherectomy
01/07/2019 Mastectomy and expanders put in
3/22/2019 Vtach, almost died. Cause unknown.
7/22/2019 New perky boobs put in
7/21/2020 Off of all drugs but a baby aspirin because of the stroke in 2018.
www.mychemobag.org
www.facebook.com/mychemobag
8 YEARS NED
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