Just want to vent about the secondary nurse..

fullofbeans · 02-09-2009, 06:55 AM

Well maybe it is because she sees people facing death, scan results ect.. all the time but I am fed up with her comments which goes like:

"you see nothing to worry about" or "well next time you will worry about something else" she is belitering my fear at scan results as if I was completely silly to worry about it, I happen to think that worring is normal for everyone and being stage 4 and having well over 90% to recur well one would worry no?

I feel like puching her each time but have to be nice because well I am in the UK so to get scans I need to get on with the team..

She even told me once that I was lucky (yes she did use the word lucky) that I did not have children, it made me cry later because yes I am so lucky that I will never be able to have children (I had always wanted some) and have my family, great no? what a stupid stupid woman. I know it must be very hard with children but being told that you are lucky not to have children when I see that cancer has stolen this huge aspect of my life not as quite "lucky"..

Just wanted to vent...

Colleens_Husband · 02-09-2009, 08:58 AM

Full of Beans:

There are just too many of these people to go around. Perhaps she is just terribly unsuited to be an oncology nurse.

Before Colleen had her first chemo, they had a nurse come in and give a talk about the dangers of chemo, how to inject neupogen, and when to phone the 24 hour nurse on duty. This lady would close her eyes when she was talking to us. She wouldn't look at us when she was speaking. It was so distracting, that I started waving my hand in front of her face to see if she was looking to see what was going on. Colleen was doing everything she could to stifle a laugh. It got to the point that I motioned to Colleen that we could try to sneak out of the room when she was talking to see if she noticed.

The head oncology nurse, who was also Colleen's case manager happened to be watching all of this and she came in and asked us some questions about what the closed-eye nurse just talked about and we had no clue. The message was just lost on us. She asked the closed-eye nurse to leave the room for a second and asked us what was going on. I said, Colleen isn't dead yet, she needs to be treated like she was still alive. The head nurse told us that the closed eye nurse would get too involved in patients and she would be crushed if they died or had bad outcomes. I asked the head nurse if the closed eye nurse is capable of being an oncology nurse anymore. My feeling was that perhaps both her and her patients were better off if she were moved to pediatrics or somewhere else.

Anyways, the point of this overly long story is that perhaps your second nurse has had too much or not enough time in the oncology ward and she is saying inappropriate things as a way of reducing her own fears and anxieties. Let us be realistic. There is no good way to tell you that you cannot achieve a lifelong dream of having children. Perhaps your nurse is too invested in your loss that she is protecting herself by saying these stupid things. Maybe she isn't saying these things to you, but she is saying them to herself. Perhaps she is saying that you are braver than she ever could be.

Of course, I could be all wrong. I just wanted to put something out there for you to consider. If you need to get along with this woman, then maybe there is something these comments can tell you about her.

Best of Luck to you,

Lee

Shobha · 02-09-2009, 10:08 AM

Dear fullofbeans,

I am sending a lot of cyber punches to your horrible secondary nurse! Boy, she is clueless and she probably thinks she trying to make you feel better.

Sending you a big bug and lots of positive vibes! I pray that your scans are clean and you feel better soon.

love,
shobha

tricia keegan · 02-09-2009, 12:52 PM

Fullofbeans,

I also have put up with some idiots like this but some of her remarks are totally unacceptable and you really don't have to be nice any longer. If your hospital has a patient advocacy office (and most do) you can address a complaint that way or through the nursing mgr or even your onc. Don't allow this woman to belittle you any longer. A complaint of this nature will not effect your future care at all and may be welcomed in weeding out these kind of people. This woman is in a position of authority and can easily have a very negative effect on someone newly dx (as she has on you).
I had to do this in the past myself regarding a problem with a nursing sister at the time of my ooph, I chose to address the letter to the professer (gyno) performing the op. Thankfully, he not only thanked me personally for bringing the problem to his attention but made copies of the letter to give to my onc and the hospital administration. He agreed with my complaint regarding this nurse and the problem was sorted and I felt gratifide.(sp?)
You are your own best advocate anyway and just think how good you'll feel after you make that complaint, she'll think twice in what she says to you in future!

WomanofSteel · 02-09-2009, 06:12 PM

The original gyno I went to when I 1st found my lump was so nonchalant about everything. I think it was his attempt to keep me calm. He told me if he was God I wouldn't even need a mammo, but he was sending me for one anyway. Needless to say I had cancer and I have never been back to him or recommended him. So, I hear ya! We need to feel what we feel it's our way of coping and dealing with it.

Rich66 · 02-09-2009, 07:42 PM

"I asked the head nurse if the closed eye nurse is capable of being an oncology nurse anymore. "

Hmmmm. Amazing that this issue was known enough to have an explanation but allowed to continue. Sounds like both need to move on or get counseling.

I did enjoy the imagery

I wonder what would have happened if she opened her eyes and saw you waving.

Jean · 02-09-2009, 11:10 PM

I always find these type of stories amazing!
Nurses who close their eyes, nurses who say unkind remarks...and it is permitted to continue. When a professional person acts or speaks in an inappropriate manner do you really think it is wrong to tell them right then and there?

Not in a nasty way, just told, "do you realize that what you said or did "...etc...I no longer allow uncalled for behavior to go unnoticed....and believe me it works.
Don't be concerned to call people on it. Their job should be done correctly and not at the cost of a sick patient.

Patients come into the care center and are under a huge strain dealing with their disease, no one should have to endure that behavior on top of it.

I find that when faced with this type of situation the offender is embarrassed when confronted.

Early in my dx. at my very first appt. with my new onc.
at NY Cornell ( by the way she was a women) I had many questions, after a few questions, she was annoyed that I had so many questoins, she told me that I should go to the internet.

I was so surprised it took me a second to catch my breath. I then told the dr. that I thought she was either over worked and did not have enough time for me or was just insensitive. I also went to the head of the dept. and shared what had occurred. I was not the first to report her...hence she was let go at this hosptial and rightly so. There are many people who need a job and are happy and willing to do the job correctly.

Everyone has a bad day, that is not what we are speaking about...bad attitude does not belong in the work place, especially in a cancer treatment center.

BonnieR · 02-09-2009, 11:51 PM

No patient should have to tolerate such remarks. Especially since it has been a pattern. She should be reported. It is understandable if you are reluctant to speak to her directly because you feel there would be repercussions. (Which, of course, should not even be a consideration) But in that case, please tell someone in authority so they can deal with this. You should not have to be troubled when you are trying to put all your energy on treatment and recovery.
Keep the faith.

Sheila · 02-10-2009, 07:20 AM

Nurses...there are all kinds...gee, I remember when i became a nurse back in 1972, I did so because i really wanted to make a difference in peoples lives...I remember making a whopping big 2.73 an hour....so its obvious i didn't do it for the money....wages have come a long way in the nursing and or medical field, and job opportunities are abundant, therefore many people are going into the field for a "Job"....it is sad, but a sign of the times....that said, you do not get the people who truly love helping others...you get a mix of wage earners and dedicated caregivers...No one should ever put up with that type of behavior from a health care professional.....and no one with that type of attitude belongs in health care....write a letter to the head of the hospital, Director of nursing etc...let your voice be heard before they get a chance to hurt someone else with their insensitivity.

fullofbeans · 02-10-2009, 03:16 PM

Many thanks for all your kind responses. Although I agree that I should complain about it I still feel that it is not a a battle I want to take on (personal choice I suppose), complaining is quite normal for French or American people but here in Britain it is perceived as a last resort option and is not undertaken lightly. Once I was on a bus the button was pressed indicating to stop but the driver missed not one but two stops..did anyone waiting to get off complained? no..two of us went to see the driver the others were only just shaking their heads in disaprovement..and when we left the bus I realised that the only other person that complained was also French haha.. the only two that dared saying something we laughed about it!

Further more I am keeping my complaining cards for important matters such as brain scan ect.. and to me the nurse is not one of these, even if it hurts sometimes it is short lived.

However as also suggested next time when she starts making as if I am simply crazy to worry I will tell her kindly that what she says hurts. Gosh it seems that a lot of us had our share of unprofessional nursing..

Colleens husband thank you very much for analising the situation and I think you are right I can imagine that she would be in denial if she was in this situation and perhaps she wishes I would do so and instead belittle me.

It made me feel better to vent so thank you to all of you for your kind answers.

BonnieR · 02-10-2009, 03:34 PM

FOB, I understand what you are saying. You want to "choose your battles". And I think that sometimes people are well-meaning but express themselves badly. Perhaps that is the case with her and telling her it is hurtful may be the solution. Good luck and keep the faith.

Bill · 02-10-2009, 05:20 PM

Beans, I'm sorry you had to endure the words of such an insensitive nurse,,,,,, but you're right. You must choose your battles carefully (Attila the Hun). Our lives could become just one long battle, from sun-up, to sunset, day in and day out, full of anger, and frustration, if we let it play out that way. It's really important to vent and blow off steam when we need to, though. Next time you see that nurse, just take a deep breath or two, calm yourself from within, and just try to feel sorry for her. Hugs and Love, Bill

harrie · 02-11-2009, 12:35 AM

Beanie, I am so sorry you had to encounter such an insensitive individual with so little compassion.
Many times when people act like that, I believe it is due to many personal issues. Of course that does not make it right to behave like that, but as difficult as it may be (when in reality you just want to kick her in her big fat butt).....if at all possible, recognize what she said and try not to attach your emotions to her words. I know it is very, very hard. I know that you have no idea what her issues may be going on in her personal history to make her like that. But try your best to not attach and let it go. Not worth it.
You are awesome, you are loved by many of us here, and that is what really matters. Right? Right!
Hugs....