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Old 10-22-2008, 09:59 AM   #1
loveher
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 81
Wanting to escape

Lately, I've been feeling really conflicted.

Im away at college about 5 hours from home and when im here i feel "normal". I forget that i have a mother who's illness is incurable. I like this normal feeling but then I feel guilty that i'm being irresponsible.

I keep think of last november my mom went through a horrible surgery, and i felt partially at fault. she had a lot of back pain and the doctor didnt address the issue properly and her mets went unnoticed for way too long. I was away at college and my parents kept me completely in the dark. i knew something wasnt right bc my mom just didnt sound like her perky self on the phone. She was actually getting radiation, she had so much pain she slept in a chair and was taking morphine. but it didnt work and she went in for emergency surgery, she only got partial anethesia and was conscious through the whole thing.

when i got home, all my dad said was that my mom was in the hospital. I felt so alone in the empty house, i kept expecting to hear her call me but she wasnt there. the next day i went to see her in the hospital and she look unregocnizable her whole body was extremely bloated, she had bruises all over her because she struggled during the surgery. i thought for the first time that maybe she might not get through it.

She's stable now but she is just not the same, shes so much weaker and im still not completely sure how extensive the mets are and if her back is holding up.

I feel that i should be on top of her treatments and talking to her doctors during her appointments and keeping track of her tumor counts. my parents have once again started to keep me away from the truth.

It's difficult because im terrified of hearing about her condition because in the end, i know her disease isn't curable. so part of me wants to just stay at college the whole year and stay in my bubble and ignore the problem.

on top of that, im at an ultra competitive college where im lucky if i get around the mean on tests.

Everyone tells me to be strong but it's hard.

fellow caretakers: do you ever want to just escape?
__________________
Hi i'm Sue. I've been part of the her2support family since 08'. My amazing mother Hong was her 2 stage IV 9 years and bravely earned her wings, I still love this board and continue to her fight. Plz reach out if you want to connect:)
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