A teary and embarrassing moment - need hugs! And chocolate!

chrisy · 05-27-2008, 09:43 PM

Oh I feel like such a freakin idiot! So I'd like to invite you all to my little pity party. Please bring gifts of love and understanding and of course, chocolate is always appreciated as well!

I hit what I think is a minor bump in the road this morning and just lost it...

I went in for my T-DM1 treatment this morning and was not able to be treated because my AST was too high. Not as high as it HAS been since I've been on this trial, but too high on infusion day to get the infusion. So I've been pushed back a week (assuming I'm good to go next week). They told me this has happened to some of the other patients in this trial, too.

So of course, I just started weeping uncontrollably right there in the doctor's office in front of the trial coordinator and the NP! And I had NO good reason for crying at all, unless being a blubbering idiot is a good reason.

So there I am crying and there they are staring at me and trying to figure out WHY I'm crying so they can make me stop (I mean that in a good way, I'm sure they wanted to make me feel better!) so I start apologizing and they start apologizing until it sounded like Bill's apology thread. And I'm thinking, hey now I have another most embarrassing moment...

Then they're quizzing me like TSA: "did you have any tylenol? Percoset? did you accept anything from a stranger?" "no, no, I say, only a big bag of buttered popcorn and gigantic diet coke at the movies - oh, and I LOOKED at some wine yesterday, do you think that is it???"

And I still don't know WHY I was crying! Other than getting all psyched up for my miracle drug and being denied...and now having to redo all my schedules after I wrote down all those appointments in INK. Or maybe its the trying to hold my sanity together while dancing barefoot on the edge of a knife!

Maybe next week when I go back, I'll dig up my old redheaded wig and wear that so they won't recognize me...

Now that you've all got chocolate, I wish you all the good cancer fighting polyphenols you can consume, all the hugs you can handle, and all the love you deserve...

Thanks for listening!

SoCalGal · 05-27-2008, 11:19 PM

I'm sorry for such a disappointing day. I just ate about 40 Jr Mints on your behalf. Tomorrow is my drip day and I am anxious and in a bad mood. Come visit me. No one lives here anymore. I have 2 extra bedrooms. All teenagers gone for another week. We can shop and eat chocolate.
xxoo Flori

harrie · 05-27-2008, 11:31 PM

Chrissy, I will eat a truffle tomorrow in honor of You! Rough day, huh...I feel for you but just had to smile too just reading what you wrote!
Hugs,
Maryanne

sarah · 05-28-2008, 01:11 AM

Hello crissy,
I'll be eating chocolate for you. We've all shed our tears in public and private. After being told I was cured, I had a relapse and when I was told it was now invasive I burst into tears in the surgeon's office, cried my way through the hospital and luckily my husband was with me and drove us home. I think I cried for a few days.
big hugs, lots of chocolate and love
sarah
ps my husband and I made a documentary on the history of chocolate! Vive le chocolat!

Faith in Him · 05-28-2008, 03:44 AM

Hey Chrisy,

Sending love and hugs your way. We totally understand your little meltdown. I always seem to lose it when the doctors are exceptionally nice to me. Go figure. I'm sure the trial coordinator has seen the whole gamit of emotions. YOU will rally back. You always do.

I will enjoy mini miky ways (my fav.) on your behalf tomorrow. I am tempted to do it now but it is 3:30 in the am. Decadron has me up. Although, chocolate in the wee hours of the morning seem especially rebellious and fun.

I hope you are sleeping well and tomorrow will be a better day.

Hugs,
Tonya

Mary Jo · 05-28-2008, 04:16 AM

Huge, gentle hugs your way Chrisy! Hey, pity party's are something we all need to have from time to time.

Seriously though, I'm sure the disappointment of having to skip your treatment (you know us control people

) was a huge let down for you and your emotions just let go.

Sending you my love, prayers for a better day and cyber chocolate.

Mary Jo

IRENE FROM TAMPA · 05-28-2008, 04:28 AM

but I can truly understand your melt down as I am sure everyone else at your infusion center.

Even through all of your frustration Chrisy, you still maintained your wonderful sense of humor showing what an exception person you are. I had a good laugh (but certainly not at your expense)pls forgive me. It is good that we can still muster up some humor through this all.

You do whatever makes you feel better, and as everyone said, we will help you along with the chocolates.

I am sure your levels will even out and you will get back on track with your treatments.

Meantime, have a wonderful day my friend.

Sheila · 05-28-2008, 05:11 AM

Chrisy
Now that I've eaten 1# of M&M's, 3 snickers, some chocolate covered cashews and a hot fudge Sunday, I am ready to dry your tears... You had a right to have a meltdown...we have all been there, nothing is more of a hassle than to screw with our cancer schedules....like you, I use ink to write everything in on the mega calendar...how dare they? How dare those liver enzymes throw me off schedule...I have confidence that they will be in order for the next visit....we need to start buying erasable pens...hey, I've saved a few Mint Meltaways to make you feel better.....but you better hurry, I am on a chocolate binge thanks to you!

Carolyns · 05-28-2008, 05:53 AM

Hi Chrisy,

I want to reply at length but I am headed out the door to work. Sorry that you think that opening the emotional flood gate was a bad thing. I think that your release may have been a bit over due. You are amazing in every way. I love to read all of your postings and replies because your insight and wisdom is written down directly from your spirit. I can only imagine the inspiration that you are to the staff at your treatment center. Oh no, Chrisy cries.... The flood of emotion washed over you like a summer thunder storm. Now the air will smell fresh and the grass will be greener. You will get your treatment in a week. Didn't you just explain to someone else about how this treatment can elevate those numbers?

Please enjoy this week off of treatment like a gift.

It's okay to be human and to show the range of emotion...sometimes we have no choice in the matter. Thank you for sharing this story...it makes it okay to have a melt down...even in public. If you can do it than anyone can.

Love, Hope, Peace,

Carolyn

Mary Anne in TX · 05-28-2008, 06:01 AM

Chrisy, you're wonderful! Even though you've done your "thing", do you think maybe we could all grab a chocolate, pick a disappointment or trauma, and all come unglued together! I've hung on by a thread for about 10 days now! As I read your story, I realized how very healthy it was for you to just let the emotions flow! I'll just grab another chocolate, some "white out", a box of kleenex, and a little cash (you know, for that something to make me feel better) and go for it!!!
Your honesty is an incredible gift, as are you!
Tons of chocolate and love,
ma

hutchibk · 05-28-2008, 06:16 AM

I'm on my way Flori - oops, that invite was for Chrisy, huh?

Chrisy - I'm with Sheila and Carolyn here. Just what about your reaction was silly or "for no good reason" - darling, WE all have very good reason to sob uncontrollably until the end of time, but we don't for some unknown reason (because we are truly super-human), and I think the world is really lucky that we choose to eat chocolate instead of that alternative! I have a right mind to come to your house and hug you so tight you almost can't breathe until you stop beating yourself up. So there.

Joy · 05-28-2008, 06:17 AM

This crap s*cks of course you can cry. Cry anywhere you please! I have cried in the cancer center more times than I can count. When I got my last blood work results with elevated Alk and one liver enzyme a little funky, I cried so hard that the nurse had to go get the doctor again (I'd just seen her and it was her birthday) to come talk down the jumper. Meanwhile we were having tornados in the area and a tornadao warning and a city imposed lock down and could not leave the building. The had put all the infusion patients in the hallways away from windows and there I was sitting and balling, I mean sobbing, right next to the windows. They had to move me to a private room all by myself 'cause I was such a mess. Everyone thought I was worried about the weather, which I was somewhat oblivious to and we were having TORNADOS!

Anyway, cry and yell and keep making us laugh, cause you are freakin' hilarious despite it all. Your body is tough and you have time to get the levels down and continue. I will pray to the laboratory Gods for good bloodwork as hard as I can. And I had two miniature Dove/vanilla ice cream bars last night and even though I rarely eat sweet things-they were just what I needed. Now I realize they were just what we all needed. Isn't is great when you find out how altruistic you can be and not even know it at the time

I LOVE YOU!

Terri B · 05-28-2008, 06:27 AM

Chrisy,

If it makes you feel any better, I freaked out in the MRI machine and had to be taken out to the hall and given chill pills. I cried like a big fat baby. I have been through NOTHING like you ladies have!!

Tears only re-charge your battery. Let them flow!

PinkGirl · 05-28-2008, 07:03 AM

Hey Chrisy
If this had happened to someone else, you would be the
first one to jump in and remind them of all the crap we've
endured, all the highs and lows of this adventure and what
emotional messes we can be at times. You know why you
had the mini melt down - it's the pits to have a treatment
canceled after you're totally psyched for it.

Please know that you have a standing order for me to eat
chocolate on your behalf. Don't worry about wearing a
disguise next week - it was good for you to cry and it was
also good for the docs and nurses to see this - you helped
them understand what having a treatment canceled can do
to us. Onward and upward Chrisy ...........

Ruth · 05-28-2008, 07:10 AM

Oh Chrisy

You deserve a crying day for goodness sakes! I'm drinking my favorite Mocha Grande skinny just for you....yummy.

I had a moment like that when I was getting an infusion. I always sat in the common area and talked to everyone over a private room just so the time would go faster and meet all these great folks. Plus my now ex-hubby gave up on going with me to chemo so I was usually alone. Well, I was getting my Taxol and I realized that it was the exact same date that my best friend Cheri died of rare form of cancer (adrenal cortical carcinoma) at the too young age of 32. I seemed to be in the middle of a sentence and just starting howling. No-one knew what was going on and I couldn't get it out to tell anyone. Here I was in my 30's too, getting same type of chemo (Taxol) and just feeling so very, very sorry for myself. Which I had every right too! I ended up taking my pole and finding a private room and calling another good buddy from childhood who told me all the funny jokes she could think of. Plus I admit it was fun to listen to her rant and rave on what a sorry husband I had to be there by myself.

Chrisy, you are such a special, funny, sweet lady and I LOVE reading your posts. Everyone in the office probably wanted to take your tears away! We all deserve a good cry day and it truly feels good afterwards.

Hugs ~ Ruth

DonnaD · 05-28-2008, 07:23 AM

Chrisy,
Loren and I are off to ASCO on Friday. We will be sure to get lots of Genentech cookies and eat them for you. I will also look for an erasable pen for you (I still have my pen on a string from SABCS).

Seriously, so many of us understand and can say we have been there. The first time my treatment was canceled because of counts I got really mad at the Dr. Loren had to calmed me down. Yep, even down to the calendar upset me.

Keep your chin up. Prayers are coming your way so next week will go without a hitch.
Donna

Gerri · 05-28-2008, 08:31 AM

Oh Chrisy,

Tears are cleansing - you had every right to let them flow. You are an amazing warrior and truly a gift and inspiration to all of us here. What a let down to go ready for treatment only to be turned away! Yet, through it all you keep your wonderful sense of humor.

In keeping with the chocolatefest in your honor, I am now going to grab some Rolos from a co-workers desk - oh, and a few Peppermint Patties for good measure. Thank you Chrisy, I needed a reason to break my vow not to touch them.

Much love and chocolate,

Becky · 05-28-2008, 08:47 AM

After 2 handfuls of peanut M&M's, I just had to respond! Chrisy you are such a special woman. Cry at everything and who the hell cares. If someone even comments with "Buck up little Beaver" you can just give them the finger. I cried once because I was getting a treatment (my second A/C - long story and this is YOUR thread).

Keep your face to the sun (it blinds to you everything else)

Love, love, love

Colleens_Husband · 05-28-2008, 09:02 AM

Chrisy:

Having tears and a meltdown can actually be a positive mental health experience if you can understand why you came to that point. I don't think you came to the point of tears for no good reason. Ask yourself some probing questions.

Did getting turned down mean fear or frustration to you?

Are you angry, fearful, or frustrated about getting turned down for your medication or is this an accumulation of a lot of fear and frustration that has built up over your whole ordeal?

What does being turned down for the medication in this instance mean emotionally in the long run for you? How is this going to affect your future?

You may find that this episode is a whole lot more than just getting turned down for one medicine. It may be that you are buried under a mountain of traumatic stress. If it is, then you may wish to consider a visit to a cancer counseling center and they can help you deal with the traumatic stress you have been living under for so long.

Chrisy, please take excellent care of yourself. We are on your side. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Lee

chrisy · 05-28-2008, 09:17 AM

You all are just TOO MUCH!!!!! or maybe just the right amount...I knew I would find solidarity of spirit with all my sisters, and that you would validate (see the value in) the need to just let go at times. They had to bring the doctor in for me, too!

I must say, tho, that I underestimated the degree to which you would all sacrifice yourselves and, as Joy said, altruistically devour all that chocolate on my behalf. I appreciate that some of you didn't have time to get really high quality, worthy chocolate yet you soldiered through with whatever chocolate you could find. "Chrisy needs chocolate NOW and I can't let her down!"

I can't thank you enough, but now I wish I'd thought to buy chocolate futures! I think from now on every time I see a mint meltaway, I'll call it a mint meltdown-away!

Thank you so much for your GENEROUS support!