Life after treatment

[PatriceH]

First...I know I'm not crazy and what I'm feeling is "normal" I just need to vent...

I'll finish herceptin in August...then what? Life is never the same. Right now I truly hate my job, it seems like such a waste of time. The energy I'm expending being miserable is making me miserable. But the job market???

I've always loved being an administrative assistant, but now I want to do something that has more meaning...or at least somewhere that gives more meaning.

How do I start? How do I hang in there until I find my new mission? Debt and a house looming over me, I wish I could pack up my dogs in the car and drive into the horizon to find new purpose.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, but the good thing is that I know I'm depressed. Can't wait for a vacation that has been postponed through all these time of treatements. There is so much in life waiting for me, how can I have it all? When a sucky job is weighing me down...but it DOES pay the bills?

When will I get my energy back? I think this weekend, I realized that in trying to have it all, I'm spending every ounce of energy I have, which is good and bad; in that I run out of steam, when I want to do more.

Does it get better?

[BonnieR]

It DOES get better. As I always say, "keep the faith". You do sound depressed which is perfectly understandable. Have you considered taking medication to help with that? Do you have anyone to talk to? A support group meeting?
There is no denying that life will never be the same and
we have to learn to live with the "new normal" and that takes some adjusting and plain old time. ("Time takes time") Be easier on yourself.
I try to keep a gratitude list, focusing on the positive.
I am glad to hear you have vacation coming up, sounds overdue!
Keep us posted. And keep the faith.

[Laurel]

Patrice,

When I went back to work after finishing chemo and my surgeries, it seemed to take so long for me to get my mojo back. I am in sales so my mojo is important, but I just dragged along. Once I changed from Tamoxifen to an A.I. I perked up a bit. I was one of those patients who did not sleep well on Tamoxifen waking 5-6 times throughout the night. Needless to say your performance stinks when you are sleep deprived!

As for something meaningful, there are opportunities to serve Joe & Christine and the members of our site by going to one of the conventions and manning the Her-2 Support table. If you liked your job prior to cancer, you will enjoy it again just give it some time. Recovering physically and mentally after your Herceptin treatment takes the better part of a year. Adjusting to the new and improved post-cancer you is a gradual process. Your outlook on many things will have changed and you may find you appreciate life so much more. I am guessing you will regain your mojo, too! Life post - cancer, to quote Austin Powers, is a "groovy thing, Baby!" Hang in there!

[freyja]

Oh yeah, it can get better. I think you know that, too, otherwise you wouldn't be longing for it so much. You sound just like me when I finished Herceptin last August, and now I no longer work for the corporate chain store I was at and I'm back in college and have traveled and got a dance teaching certificate and I'm the happiest ever. I had that same aching hunger to not waste my time doing things that feel so unappreciated and unfulfilling. We fought cancer! Somehow the old daily grind just seems futile compared to that, am I right? Listen to that nagging in your mind and take one step at a time. I was shocked at the amount of opportunities that presented themselves when I just took the leap of faith to find them. I got scholarships, grants, jobs, publicity...it was all very hard work to make happen, but it's out there, just go get it! People will be so happy to help you, just ask. Maybe your boss or coworkers would even have ideas. Think about what you loved when you were five years old, or ten or eighteen. It's probably what you would love to do for the rest of your long life.
Why not?
Celeste

[AlaskaAngel]

I feel very divided about it. I think Patrice may be feeling at least some of the same flatness that comes with hormonal losses, and doesn't understand it or know what it is, or how it came about, or what to do with it.


Yet I also believe very much in the importance of the serendipity that can happen if one stays open to it, in terms of changing jobs and following one's soul.


It is possible for some here to fail entirely to recognize the genuine reality of the permanence of the flatness that some cancer patients experience due to treatment, and to overemphasize and oversimplify the joy of being open to following serendipity, in that some who complete treatment are still quite hormonal and have finished getting through treatment and think that is all there is to it. It isn't that way for everyone.

A.A.

[islandgirl]

I just finished herceptin treatment last week. I am unexpectedly nervous about this, though reassured by my amazing oncologist at Swedish Hospital in Seattle that I've done a thorough course of treatment.

The nurses asked me what was 'next' in my life and without missing a beat I said 'cleavage'. (ah, humor, the great leveler). I plan on having breast reconstruction next month (implants). I'd wanted a break (for my kids and husband and me, too), but will do this while the insurance covers it all as I've maxed out from the expense of herceptin.

I am looking forward to living life.. It's all different, all brighter, more precious and profound. It's the upside of facing cancer. The gift.

[freyja]

I agree that it is not as simple as serendipity. Things have gotten much better for me since my treatment, but not because I'm special or different or lucky, but because I am determined and work really, really hard to get where I want to be and actively search out resources and connections that will assist me. A new job will not cure depression, and I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that anyone here has clinical depression without a psych degree and evaluation, but it's important for everyone to believe there's something out there to strive for and you deserve the right to at least think about it and check it out. I think the thoughts you're having are healthy and normal and you sound like you're a smart, sensible person who isn't going to quit her job and join the circus. Keep up the good work, and congratulations on nearing the end of your herceptin.

[Terri B]

Celeste, I agree.

Although I feel "stuck in a rut" jobwise, I try to fill that gap in my personal life.

After Herceptin, the energy DOES come back, having said that, it is not EFFORTLESS to perform tasks and to return to exercising. It is HARD WORK and necessary. I try to look at it like drinking water, or going to the bathroom. I HAVE to do it, so I might as well GET IT DONE! The reward is a feeling of accomplishment, well being, and increased energy!

Good luck!

[Soccermom]

Patrice,
GREAT book that might help..
"Making a Living While Making a Difference:The expanded guide to creating careers with a conscience"
Melissa Everett author,New Society publishers

Warmly,Marcia

[Jean]

Patrice,
I believe your reactions are extremely normal.
After a round of this disease most of us consider everything we have been doing or not doing or wish to do. Let's face it - having this dx. and then treatment is certainly a wake up call. Is it not only human and normal to evaluate where you are - if you are satisfied with what you are doing. Yes there is the practical side of earning a living and paying those bills.

Years ago my family dr. (God rest his soul) he practiced until he was 90 yrs. and kept up with all the new medical information. He had said something to me when I was just a young girl in college. The mind helps heal the body. At the time I did not really digest his words. While our bodies are adjusting to illness, treatment, chemical changes etc., we still have our minds and thoughts.
I came to understand his words of wisdom. If we can keep our minds strong and positive and move in the direction of our hearts desire we then can begin to reach a balance. Now each person has their own set of thoughts and feelings. My own thoughts are a strong mind certainly leads us through the dark days we must face in our life time.

You are just coming to the finish line with your treatment so that is a big milestone in your life. Of course you should be considering your new life and how you wish to enjoy it. Enjoy is he key word I hear in your post. Good for you - you want more out of life now. Well why not. As Celeste pointed out - it is out there for the taking....yes it will take some planning and work but once you set a goal and work towards it most times it will happen.

Think about it this way...most major corporations have a business plan. Well most people do not sit down and map out a good quality of life plan. Write down your desires and then see what is possible and how can you make it happen. I have a large group working for me and one of the things I do the beginning of each year is meeting with each one and setting up a personal business plan. And it is not all business some of it is doing personal things which help a person to rebound and feel good about themselves. It is a wonderful feeling of accomplishment to achieve ones goals. Maybe you may not hit all the goals you desire, but you should hit one or two.

Our minds are very powerful - there are many activities to become involved with that hold great value. Laurel raises that wise comment.

Reading many of the posts on this board and just reading of other women...so many who have been dx or touched by this disease have become stronger and better for it. Strange as that sounds it is true.
We are amazing and are capable of so much. I think you already realize that and are feeling that way from your post and maybe you are feeling trapped and frustrated.
So take small steps in making the life changes that will bring a smile of satisfaction on your face. There are many facilities that could use your help. Or just write down some of the type of jobs you would like. Then go after them. In the meantime you still have your current job which pays the bills but your feet are moving in a new direction.

Sending you best wishes, Please keep us updated.
Jean