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Old 09-10-2012, 04:18 AM   #41
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Jeanne Robertson shares: “Don’t send a man to the grocery store!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRU...&feature=share
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Old 09-20-2012, 03:03 AM   #42
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

“Check your shampoo bottle label. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner. It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning… FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved! If I don’t answer the phone …I’ll be in the shower!”
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Old 09-20-2012, 04:03 AM   #43
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Introducing "Menopause Barbie"

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Old 09-21-2012, 03:59 AM   #44
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“At a nursing home, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments: ”My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even SEE my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy’” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. ”Thank God we all can still drive!”
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Old 09-22-2012, 04:34 AM   #45
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?


There is some funny stuff on this web site I've linked below. I think I'd enjoy being part of one of the "Missions" they do. Has anybody here been part of a Flash Mob or one of these improv Everywheres?

Improv Everywhere;
http://improveverywhere.com/2010/02/28/teds-birthday-2/


Sports Humor:
http://improveverywhere.com/2008/04/07/best-game-ever/
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Old 09-25-2012, 03:41 AM   #46
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
Not only did the pearl divers come up empty, but they barely escaped an earthquake. These were pearl-less times.
Three lefts equal a right, yet no number of wrongs equals a right.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the
Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change
yet.’
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a clown they said it tasted funny.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”

Dyslexics have more nuf.
Clones are people, two.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab Staph Only !
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Eschew obfuscation.
186,000 miles per second. Not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
What if there were no hypothetical questions.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to think I was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
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Old 09-26-2012, 04:28 AM   #47
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:39 AM   #48
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:40 AM   #49
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?




Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, ‘So y’all want to be cops, huh?’ The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, ‘To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.’ So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. ’Now,’ he said, ‘did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?’
The blonde immediately said, ‘Yes, I did. He has only one eye!’ The detective shook his head and said, ‘Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!’ The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, ‘What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?’ ‘Yes! He only has one ear!’ The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, ‘Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!’ The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, ‘This is probably a waste of time, but … He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, ‘All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?’ The blonde said, ‘I sure did… This man wears contact lenses.’ The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, ‘You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?’

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, ‘Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!’
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Old 10-01-2012, 04:40 PM   #50
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Pilot Father's Tough Love:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/710
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:09 PM   #51
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is his colonoscopy account:

Colonoscopy Journal:



“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’



I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor..



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the … forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.



‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..



‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.”
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:56 AM   #52
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo
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Old 10-11-2012, 03:51 AM   #53
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Old 10-21-2012, 03:42 AM   #54
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Old 10-28-2012, 05:11 AM   #55
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Passing along a chuckle from my dear Mother-in-law:

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.





One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida on her 95th birthday.





The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”





The second said, ” And I had a large theater built in the house.”





The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”





The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read


anymore because she can’t see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot


who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I


had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth


it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”





The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her “Thank You”


notes.





She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but


I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”





“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I


never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”





“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,


but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use


it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same.”





“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to


your gift.





The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”





Love, Mama
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Old 10-29-2012, 04:30 AM   #56
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’
I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’
‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda headed for the door.
‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’
Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared.
And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did– thanks.’
‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….
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Old 10-31-2012, 06:11 AM   #57
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Yesterday while I had my legs up in stirrups, confabulating http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=56435
with my gynecologist about his cooking while he was doing a hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy on me, I remembered this old joke below I heard long ago (but didn't tell it to him

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early
one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone
off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So,
I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting
next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was
at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing
the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the
other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have
made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy,
where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor . Ever."
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Old 11-10-2012, 05:10 PM   #58
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Here is some Thanksgiving humor:

Why did the turkey cross the road?


To prove he wasn’t chicken.

Is turkey soup good for you?


Not if you’re the turkey

Why did the person quit smoking cold turkey?


Because the feathers made him cough.

Why did the turkey bolt down its food?

Because it was a gobbler.

What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing, they’re already stuffed.

Did you hear about the conservative turkey?

It had two right wings.


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Drumsticks for everybody!


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Old 11-11-2012, 08:29 AM   #59
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Paula,
I LOVE silly riddles! They make me laugh out loud!

And, I LOVE your new curls! Very becoming!
Denise
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1/11-needle biopsy
2/11-Lumpectomy/axillary node dissection - Stage 3c, ER/PR-14/17 nodes
3/11 - Post-op staph infection,cellulitis, lymphedema,seroma,ARRRGH!
4/12/11-A/C x 4, then T/H x 4, H only,Q3 weeks
8/26/11 finished Taxol!!!
10/7/11 mastectomy/DIEP recon
11/11 radiation x28
1/12/12 1st CANCER-VERSARY!
1/12 Low EF/Herceptin "Holiday" :(
2/12 EF up - Back on Herceptin, heart meds
4/2/1212 surgery to repair separated incision from DIEP recon
6/8/12 Return to work :)
6/17/12 Fall, shatter wrist,surgery to repair/insert plate :(
7/10/12 last Herceptin
7/23/12 Brain Mets %$&#! 3cm and 1cm
8/10/12 Gamma knife surgery, LOTS of steroids;start H/Tykerb
8/23/12 Back to work
12/20/12 Injure back-3 weeks in wheel chair
1/12/13 2nd CANCER-VERSARY!
1/14/13 herniate disk in back - surgery to repair
1/27/13 Radiation necrosis - edema in brain - back on steroids - but not back to work - off balance, poor cordination in right arm
5/3/13 Start Avastin to shrink necrosis
5/10/13 begin weaning steroids
6/18/13 Brain MRI - Avastin seems to be working!
6/20/13 quarterly CT - chest, abdomen, pelvis - All Clear!
7/5/13 finally off steroids!!
7/7/13 joined the ranks of the CHEMO NINJAS I am now Tekuto Ki Ariku cancer assassin!
7/13/13 Symptoms return - back on steroids
7/26/13 Back on Avastin - try again!
8/26/13 Not ready to return to classroom yet :( But I CAN walk without holding onto things! :)
9/9/13 Brain MRI - fingers crossed
“ Life is a grindstone, and whether it grinds you down or polishes you up is for you, and you alone, to decide. ” – Cavett Robert
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Old 11-14-2012, 11:53 AM   #60
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Thx, Denise.

I posted some more Thanksgiving humor in my blog today if anybody is interested:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1241
I think the cartoon is a hoot.

Paula
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