My Last Day

KRISS · 01-09-2007, 06:16 AM

Well tomorrow I get my port in and have my first chemo. Why do I feel like this is the last normal day I will ever have? I just keep reading and reading and it just doesn't seem to stop. This drug causes heart failure, this mouth sores, this one acne and don't forget this one uterine cancer. Is this what our life is until we just die? I know I'm just scared of not knowing but I feel like this THING will define who I am from here on out. Everyday will be one treatment, or one side affect or one scan for the next 3 or 30 years. Someone please give me hope that there will come a day when I won't even think of breast cancer and my husband and I will not spend a day being dictated to treatments, med, and doctors visits. But instead have a normal day spending time together doing the things we love.

RhondaH · 01-09-2007, 08:00 AM

I KNOW what you are feeling (have been there) and while yes, it seems like "this" is what your life will be like,no...as time goes on, you DO think if it less and less (people told me this when I was first dx and hesitated believing it, but it IS true). There IS life after cancer. The treatments end, the appointments are farther apart and you get "used to" the aches and pains (not thinking it is a recurrence). SMILE...your life is JUST beginning. Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

MJo · 01-09-2007, 08:38 AM

Isn't this a tiny bit like a soldier going into a battle? You know there are dangers, but you are going to do it anyway. As we say, chemo is no walk in the park, but we get through it. You truly will have normal days doing the things you love. My last chemo was in May. The memories are mercifully fading.

SusanV · 01-09-2007, 08:55 AM

Kriss,

I wish you well with the port and your first chemo. You will get through it. I totally can relate to what you said about reading all the potential side effects. I did the exact same thing. HOWEVER....what I did next was to say out loud." I will not own any side effects in advance. " I will be the one that escapes nausua, mouth sores and all the other unpleasantries that go with chemo...my heart will do well, and my muga scores will be fine. I believe this is part Mind over Matter, part Keeping it in perspective, part keeping a positive attitude in the midst of all this maddness, and finally the reality that even though a side effect is known, it doesn't necessarily have to know me !

I wish you inner stength for the days/weeks ahead, and yes believe it or not a day will come and go that is not consumed with cancer...you will smile and laugh, and the laugh will be more meaningful than before you dx.
Loving thoughts your way

Jean · 01-09-2007, 08:24 PM

Kriss,
It is very normal to feel the way you do at this point. The unknown is the worst part of chemo...not sure what to expect, will this or that happen?

Many of us have had and have all those fears. But.....YOU WILL DO GREAT!
It is very important to think positive. Remember to sip water during treatment
and after treatment.

Sending you big hugs,
Jean

Bev · 01-09-2007, 09:04 PM

Kriss,

Finished chemo almost a year ago. Still think about it everyday, but in a more hopeful way. When I began chemo I was very anxious. Couldn't sleep or eat. Chemo is no fun, but you will have good days on it, where you'll feel just fine and normal and can laugh with your friends.

It takes time being well after chemo to feel better about it all. It takes a few good mamms or MRI's to make you feel like yes, this is behind me.

All you can do is hang in there for now. Best of luck. BB

Heart Sutra · 01-10-2007, 06:41 PM

Hi Kriss,

I hope you did ok today. Take the meds for nausea and don't stop even if you feel ok. That sick feeling comes very quickly.

Hang in there. You will feel like yourself again.

I'm up for round 2 on Tuesday the 16th. Just can't wait for round 4 to be over.

gin-tx · 01-10-2007, 07:44 PM

Dear Kriss,

I think when you are going thru all the testing, going from place to place and doctor to doctor, it is very overwhelming. I thought it would never end. I got with a wonderful oncologist after visiting with one I would not consider and feel I'm in the 'right place' and you will to when you reach that decision. I feel so comfortable with him and all of his staff, am not intimidated to tell him what's going on with me, how I feel, how I think I should feel, etc. And he is so patient and kind. If you're not 100% totally confident who you have seen, then you need to search further. I've been at this for the second time, first was 11 yrs ago, and this new occurrence and treatment has been since April when I had a biopsy and I started treatment the end of June. I have no idea when it will end, my tumor was very aggressive and had spread to the bones, plus I had 18 radiation treatments on my spine, lungs, & esyphogus before I could begin chemo. Actually I had 8 before I began treatment and then 8 while I was doing chemo, it was very hard on me and I was working part time, still am. Keep me informed as the people in this site really care and want to know how you are doing.

hugs

ginkott1@aol.com

karen raines hunt · 01-10-2007, 08:03 PM

Dear Kriss,

Yes, the tests, surgeries, scans, etc are so overwhelming especially during the beginning. I was much more fearful about chemo than the mastectomies, but it was nice to find out that the chemo was not as bad as I had imagined. The medications to control nausea are great..........take them as directed. Also, accessing the port each time is so much easier than starting an IV in a vein. If I ever have to go through chemo again, I will definitely have another port placed.
Karen

Adriana Mangus · 01-10-2007, 10:33 PM

Dear Kriss: I was dx in 1994,had a recurrence to rt lung in 2003,,,, this is not about me, is it? I thank God everyday for a life full of blessings, no matter what I've been through. Without this disease I will not be able to fully appreciate the love of my family and friends.I'm grateful to have been "chosen" to have this disease,the mornings are something I enjoy, can't hardly wait to grab acup of coffee and wait in the patio for the sunrise, let alone those beautiful sunsets bursting on a wonderful crimson-red on the horizon. When we have rain I go outside so I can feel the touch of the raindrops on my hand. I bought a pair of binoculars so I can enjoy the birds flying around in my neighborhood; once in a while (for a quick moment) I have been able to admire the always fast and shy hummingbirds. So, Kriss as you can see having this disease it's not only about medical appointments, doctors, ct's, chemo, etc. Do not forget to Live, but do not Live just because, Live your life to the fullest, enjoy everything you do, see, touch, believe in, love, but most of all do not forget that whatever you do today, you do not get a second "time" to do it all over again, for this road we are only going to walk it once. Best of everything that Life has to offer to you and your family. Stay positive.

chrisy · 01-10-2007, 11:09 PM

KRISS,
When I read the subject of your post, I assumed it was an announcement that you were having your LAST day of chemo and were ready to celebrate! Don't be bummed by that, be hopeful! You will, sooner than you think, be celebrating putting chemo and cancer behind you - for good.

You're dealing with a quite traumatic event - I mean, surgery, doctors, chemo, not to mention the new fears and feelings. It's totally natural to be feeling as you do. For now, just take it a day at a time. Think of it this way - your treatments may take a year or so of your life, but it will GIVE YOU BACK the rest of your years!

I also wondered if there would ever be a day that my first and last waking thoughts woud be something besides "I have cancer". The answer is YES.

Good luck, I know you will do fine!
Hugs
Chris

chrisy · 01-10-2007, 11:29 PM

Will you have normal days when you can enjoy your "life"?

Absolutely - even while you are getting chemo. You are still the same person, with the same interests and loves. Yeah, it can be a "hassle" to deal with cancer! But it does not need to stop your life. You may (or may not) want to slow down at some times but you can still do your life. I'd suggest being very kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to rest and be mellow during this time.

After you're done with chemo, although it does take some time to recover physically, you can get back to a "normal" life.

Try not to freak about all the "side effects". Read the fine print enough to see that most people do NOT have serious problems - don't claim any before you start.

Like Adriana, I also had a recurrence, in 2004, to my liver. (That was before adjuvant Herceptin so you have a much better outlook). But, even with Stage IV, I still live a very full life - I work, travel, hike, party with my 10 yr old niece - and there are many days when I forget I am living with cancer. My life is richer now because I realize how precious it is and, well, how much I LOVE my life.

I can tell you love your life, too - and even now, there is no reason why you can't, or shouldn't spend time with your hubby doing what you love. In fact, it would probably be good for your healing (unless it's something like skydiving or sumo wrestling)

Take care
Chris

sarah · 01-11-2007, 03:18 AM

Hi Kriss,
Sorry you're going through a depressed period. Far from being your last normal day, this is the first day of your fight to beat your cancer.
Once you start the chemo, you'll feel better and you'll know you're doing something positve.
I had chemo once a week for 6 months and I think even though it was a bore to lose a day a week, I think my side effects were less than others. I had no nausea but they have very good medicine for that. Since I went to a cancer hospital it took all day instead of just a few hours and it was an hour or more drive away.
Books on tape are a wonderful distraction. And I love reading books so I read a lot when I was tired but could still read. I would avoid watching the news - it's such a negative assault on one.
You obviously have a good support system in place with your husband - remember what he must be going through and hopefully he has people he can turn to.
Staying positive is an absolute must.
Lots and lots of women get breast cancer and treatment is improving daily so you are not alone.
Watch your weight. I had no idea that I would put on 15lbs during chemo but my metabolism shut down. I wish I had known and kept an eye on my weight! I was relatively thin before chemo and since I'm not that motivated to diet, I am still a little chunky but hey, I'm enjoying life and so will you.
Don't take the side effects list too seriously, they have to cover all possibilites - your oncologist knows which are important and more possible. Remember how many women on this site have been taking them.
Good luck. and remember, you've just joined a wonderful club of men and women, who are happy to help you through your journey. I know because they've helped me so much.
all the best
sarah

rinaina · 01-11-2007, 09:44 AM

Hi Kriss, I can only say that everything everyone else has already said is so true. I finished 4 dense doses of A/C in late July and feel great now. I had the usual side effects minus the nausea,(take those anti nausea meds as prescribed). It wasn't a picnic but you make it through. I had some good days while on chemo, usually the 4 days before going for another treatment. About 3 weeks after all chemo treatments ended I started to feel like I was getting back to myself and now I feel great. You will always have cancer as a part of your life but as time goes on, you won't be so consumed with it. Best of luck and let us know how it is going.

KRISS · 01-11-2007, 11:19 AM

Thank you ladies for all you kind words of wisdom and support. It is nice to hear that This will pass and I will have some semblance of a life. I have to learn not to be so pessimistic and look at all the lovely things I still have in my life. Thank you all and please stick in there for me and yourselves.
I did fine yesterday. The port hurt but is ok today. Chemo was not that bad and my husband Eric stayed with me. I was so wiped out I actually slept through the night. Today I am only a little tired and stomach is making some noise but not bad. I guess I will wait to see how the dreaded 3rd day goes. I'm hoping to be a lucky one. Sue I am glad to see you have rebounded and will be thinking of you on the 16th. Take care ladies, Kriss

Catherine · 01-13-2007, 10:55 PM

Kriss, Congratulations on getting through the first round of chemo. We were all scared that we would never get a normal life again. During chemo, we got tired of feeling sick. But looking back to my last chemo in August, I can say it was not as bad as I had anticiapted. This is not to say it was fun. I am into all the medicines. I started an antidepressant after dx and am still on it....works very well for me. I took Ativan to help me sleep during chemo. I think this also helped me alot. Follow all the instructions about what to do during chemo. Especially: lots of liquids, gatoraide and water for me. Rinse mouth 2-3 times a day with warm soda water. Boost or Ensure if you can not eat much. Get up a walk around the house even if you fell yukky....there are lots of other tricks.

All the best, Catherine

kari · 01-14-2007, 04:44 PM

Hi Kriss,
Hope you are making it through the week after your first chemo! Yes, it will be tough, there is no sugar-coating that. When I started going through my treatments, someone told me it would be the longest year of my like. I've celebrated my 1-year survival this month, and have to agree that the past year took a lot out of me. But I tried to keep up a positive attitude, had an awesome support group (family, church, friends, on-line groups, medical team, etc.), and let others look after my needs (that was one of the most difficult things for me). All of that helped me get through, and I never felt so loved.
Take the advice of your chemo nurses as to how to deal with any potential side-effects---my nurses were always available to answer all my questions and never made me feel like I was "bothering" them. Hopefully you won't experience too many of the side-effects and that those you do will be minimal (maybe you will be a fortunate one to breeze through treatments). Once I convinced my brain that my body needed the meds to manage my side-effects, things were easier.
Your life may be on hold for the duration of your treaments, but it WILL get back to normal, albeit a new normal. There is hope. Just take it one day at a time.
My prayers go out to you. Take care and keep us posted as to your progress.
Hugs,
Karen
1-year survivor

"The Good Lord gave us mountains, so we could learn how to climb!"