Living while waiting... An art form

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yrs ago, I stood in my friend's Mother's house in Boca. The Mom had just died and I was helping my friend organize all the stuff left behind.

It was a mansion of a house. She and hubby had millions. Now hubby had Alzheimers (for the last too many yrs) and she wound up dying before him, caretaking for him all that time.

I looked out the almost all glass back, which had a magnificent view of the lake and thought, as you say Steph YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU. And, as my Papa Ike used to say IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR HEALTH, YOU HAVE NOTHING. You can't buy Life. It is so precious. All around me was costly and meaningless. Life was what being here is all about.

I do remember from my own brushes w/death and the extreme side effects of the chemo, trying to kill the canser and not myself in the process, to cherish each day. I do. But that blissed out FEELING OF BEING ALIVE is attained w/the reminders or the crises of our lives. Once we get past the stunning sorrow and we stumble about, we end up either bitter (which I immediately chose to reject)or BETTER. Most of us have felt this. That we have grown in our awareness of what truly matters in Life. We appreciate the small things and marvel more than ever.

We hug more, we are kinder, more compassionate, more giving, more grateful. We say I love you more. I even say it to utter strangers.

And when I had my tumor marker scare (steadily moving from 12 to 16 to 29 to 41!!!!) I felt that old traumatizing fear I had in '95 and again in '98. But I soon moved to CONNECTING with my Spirit -- and NOT the voice in my head. The one Pink speaks of. I reminded myself that I am not that annoying voice. I am a Spiritual Being, with a mind and a body. And if I consciously choose to align myself with that truest part of myself, I can take charge of my life and dismiss the frightened voice in my head. That voice is full of panic and judgment and quick to feel defeated and down-trodden. Easily offended and highly critical. Eckie Tolle calls that voice our ego. I just know it isn't my INNER VOICE, which is how my Spirit communicates with me. It's what some call our *gut feelings*.

So when I made that CONNECTION, I felt led. At peace. Plugged in. I sensed the Universe and my Spirit would guide me. (I believe that my Spirit is composed of the energy of my Creator, or God. So I believe my Spirit is my God-self.) A friend mentioned that expression to me yrs ago and it immediately resonated. A piece of God dwells at our core. Yes. And we are all therefore sacred beings. The wisdom of God lies within our Essence. Our Souls are full of eons of sagacity and wants not only what we want, but far more. It loves us more than we can begin to imagine love to be!

I opened to accepting whatever was in store. I trusted that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I would be proactive and vigilantly follow my bld #s, my CT scans, the whole deal. I would not renege personal responsibility, but I would also not obsess or worry. Just do my job. Neat trick, I know. But it just happened. I KNEW whatever lay before me, I would be all right.

As Flori said somewhere on this board, "BREAKING UP (WITH HERCEPTIN) IS HARD TO DO" -- AND YOU CAN ALWAYS GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IF NEED BE. OR IF NED LEAVES.

I do love NED, even more than freedom. If I must make compromises, I am willing...

Blessings all!!!
Andi

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Sharing... AGain... I'll stop for now. Just so excited to find these posts deep within the HER2 site...

We are ever evolving.

But much truth is spoken within these pages.

Reading for year... LOL...

I promise I'll stop for now.

I may never find these treasures again, but I am letting go...