Learning to live *as if*.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I get PMs and e's from HER2 Sisters that always touch my heart. I am struck w/the wisdom of these ladies, investigating every avenue possible, to try to become more insightful than they already are. To seek assistance in gaining the upper hand in dealing w/bc.

Oft asked questions -- were you always so positive. Yes. Guilty. I had a difficult childhood and had to learn to overcome daily tirades, criticisms, accusations, and what frankly were abusive pronouncements that could have crushed me. Somehow, I instinctively learned to go to my quiet place (my bathroom which was the only room with a lock). There I could escape. The raging mine I have always loved and called Daddy would have beaten me if I hadn't run faster than the wind. I would stay there in my safe room and sob into a towel (so as not to further exacerbate the giant man with anger management issues -- who I now can see as a suffering and lost Soul).

I would go within. Deep within myself. Seeking refuge. And there I would always find it. I now understand what was occurring. I was making contact with my Higher Self, my Spirit. It is wise, with eons of knowledge and enlightenment. It wants what I want, only even more for me. It loves me with an intensity that is staggering. There, deep inside mySelf I would find profound nurturing. It assured me that I was indeed a good person, much loved, full of an infinite sense of Belief that tomorrow would be better.

Older and intellectually advanced beyond my childish Self, having expanded my awareness through the trials of facing 4th stage bc and death itself, I have found a way to feeling joyful and serene even in crisis.

When I connect with my Truest Self I become so incredibly empowered. I can reprogram my fearful, anxious, uncertain thoughts! I had no idea! I had thought what occurs in our minds must be endured. That we were powerless to stand up to the taunting, haunting words and images that lived in our heads. But, I've learned (from my bc experience) to go beyond my usual instincts and to actually take control of my Beingness.

We are not helpless victims. We can insist that we will follow our Spirit's direction. We can shut out the I'M JUST AFRAID THATs echoing and replaying over and over and over again in our heads. True, we must hear them and experience them. It is unwise to repress or suppress our feelings. But, we can indeed cast them out and replace them as soon as we possibly can with our CHOSEN dialogue.

When I was first dx, I kept telling mySelf that I can author the thoughts that will play out in my head all day. Stomp on the fearful thoughts and instead instruct my mind to order my body to heal. We are in fact given this power as our birthright! CANSER IS ALL ABOUT FEAR. Conquer your panicky feelings, which are entirely natural to be sure, and you will find yourSelf living happier, healthier days, full of KNOWINGS and newfound PEACE. True, you have to work at it. You have to learn to monitor your thoughts all day, every day. Surviving for me has been a full time job. 24/7 as they say. But soooo worth the results it brings.

I would, and still, remind mySelf that I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. Yes, I knew I wasn't as strong or brave as I wanted to be, but I lived AS IF. As if that was at the very least my goal. I drummed it into mySelf. And others kept commenting that they thought I was amazing. Because when they looked at me and what I was going through (the surgery, the sacrificing of a breast, my long, thick hair, my -- seeming -- wellness and ability to do as I wanted) what people saw on my face was, in their words, a glow! What is that?, they'd ask, wanting to know. What they saw was joy (which came from me feeling lucky, believing it could have been way worse). Joy in the tiniest of blessings that I began to take notice of. The fact that I could walk, talk, feed myself, bathe myself. My Family. My Friends (the ones who stood by me in my darkest hour and didn't run and/or hide like cowards). Joy found in being fully PRESENT in the NOW.

And they saw SERENITY. Where'd that come from? I BELIEVED with all my heart that my thoughts had power. They are heard by my body, and responded most definitely! So, thoughts like, what if this headache means I now have brain mets need to be discarded like a hot potato! Lest they be perceived by my body as a direct order.

And -- lest they be heard, and responded to, by the Universe itself. It is a giant energy field that sucks up the energy we emit. If we are sending out negative signals, we will draw exactly more of the same to us. However, if we CHOSE to consciously and conscientiously send out energy that is full of: LOVE, JOY, GRATITUDE, APPRECIATION, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, CARING, GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT -- that is precisely what we will draw into our lives, which will absolutely effect our health and well-being.

I say live each day AS IF you KNOW with inexplicable certainty that the Universe is working with you to create the manifestation of dreams. BELIEVE in your Personal Empowerment.

I meditate. Beginning with deep breathing exercises. Using guided imagery. Finding my happy place and revisiting it whenever I become overwhelmed. I had learned from a book how to self-hypnotize and began reading about methods of meditating. Music (especially Andrea Bocelli's Romanza) literally helps transport me. Relaxes me to a point that I can do the deep breathing, excise all pent up negativity, suck in fresh, life-affirming air. I will be happy to share details if anyone is interested.

Just as I would emerge from my safe room in childhood, I emerge from meditating with a happy, beyond hopeful sense of well-being (physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually). It's a life-altering gift you can give to yourSelf.

I read books that have enormously assisted me in attaining my strength and my courage. I come from a long line of stubborn, doggedly determined people, which has served me well in reaching 15 yrs of survival.

Sept 3 I will turn 65. I was 50 when initially dx. My Calif dghtr has moved in with me, relocating to Fla. (See my post to Flori on her awesome news re details of this, if you like.) So I have gone from having only 1 dghtr married to having both my girls find their mate for Life. I have gone from having no grandkids (at age 50) to having 5 of the grandest of grandchildren. 3 live in Boca, same as me. Well, actually, NOW, 2 live in Boca in my house. We'll see where they eventually move to, but it will be in southern Fla, probably closer to the Univ of Miami. (Again, see my post in Flori's remarkable news thread to further explain.)

I will be celebrating my 15 yrs of survival and my big Bday w/all my Children! That is the best gift I could have asked for. I need nothing. All I ever wanted was to have all my Children living in the same state with me. I feel so blessed -- I AM SHOUTING FROM THE ROOFTOPS.

Tomorrow will be better, my sweet Sisters! You have the power to heal yourSelf. Do your part, along with your oncs, nurses, chemo, radiation, supplements, conscientiously balancing your Omega 3s w/those bad 6s, eating less meat, less processed foods, wild caught fish, maybe forgoing sugar till you reach remission, reading books that help you expand your understanding of Life and grant you fresh insight, meditating daily, visualizing yourSelf far far far into the future!!!!!!! With the absolute power of FAITH, BELIEF, CERTAINTY. SEE YOU THERE.

For me, make up, a wig, earrings and a nice comfortable outfit made me look healthy and well. Others couldn't believe I didn't look sick. I surely felt like crap from the chemo (chills, fluish, aches everywhere, that metallic taste and inability to eat, no energy, you know the deal). But the compliments helped me FEEL better somehow. I forced myself to go out to dinner w/Friends, the ones I truly loved being with. I did this for my Husband, who was an angel and suffered along with me. He needed to get out and have a semblance of normalcy in his life. And so did I. Hugs and laughter over a shared meal with wonderful people you adore is healing in itself. After being dx, I hugged more people more readily than ever before. And I am a hugger. My hugs became longer, tighter and filled with a fresh passion. People awwwwwwed from the love I was transmitting. That was really nice. And after dx, I began saying I love you to people who were so kind and sweet and dear, even if they were practically strangers. The words just came out of my mouth, directly from my heart...

To you, my amazing Sisters, I say -- BE WELL. Get well. Focus on all your attention to that end. Take good care of YOU! Be extra good to YOU. Be your own best friend. What would you tell a dear Friend in your position??? Think about that.

I love you all... You are always on my mind... I swear...


Andi

[Sandra in GA]

Thank you so much for this uplifting post. I would love to learn more about you mediation methods and books you have read. My email is sandrayjones@windstream.net . I too will be 65 on Sept. 10th but I have been on this bc journey only one year. Thank you again for the inspiration.

Sandra

[Karen Wheel]

Thank you for the inspiration! 15 years! Go girl! I am newly dx - this year - and have been scared by heaviness of the Her2 +++ dx of my tumor.... however your note really helped me - thank you!

Also, I am curious if you have done anything else in your treatment - diet, or supplements?

Karen

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

gosh i know i ramble... but i did mention...

You have the power to heal yourSelf. Do your part, along with your oncs, nurses, chemo, radiation, supplements, conscientiously balancing your Omega 3s w/those bad 6s, eating less meat, less processed foods, wild caught fish, maybe forgoing sugar till you reach remission, reading books that help you expand your understanding of Life and grant you fresh insight, meditating daily, visualizing yourSelf far far far into the future!!!!!!! With the absolute power of FAITH, BELIEF, CERTAINTY. SEE YOU THERE.


i just seem to have so much i want to tell, to share, to help, to uplift, to inform. i have no doubt you have Lessons to offer as well. We are all here to learn from one another.

LOVING, HEALING ENERGY TO YOU MY FRIEND,

ANDI

[hermiracles]

Thanks so much Andi
Blessings
Hermiracles

[chrisy]

Thank you ABB!

[Sheila]

Thank you Andi for getting my head where it needs to be......ahhhhhhhhhhhhh if I could just lie down while reading your posts....its like a form of meditation...I feel very calm and relaxed after...you need to market your words of wisdom!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I just posted in HERMIRACLES thread IN REMISSION, BUT... I wanted as many people as possible to read what I wrote, cause I believe it is that important. Many of us are suffering, and I think this perspective I've slowly discovered could benefit you. I know I am long-winded, but give this a look, please. I am getting naked once again, in a genuine effort to possibly help.

MARILYN, MY DARLING, MISS I'M IN REMISSION BUT...

WHEN I WAS FINALLY DECLARED IN CAUTIOUS REMISSION BY 2 OUT OF 3 RADIOLOGISTS (2 OF MY 5 ONCS ASKED ME TO BRING MY CTs FOR *THEIR* RADIOLOGISTS TO READ), I WAS ALMOST AFRAID TO BELIEVE. 1,000 WHAT IFs OCCURED.

IN '99, AFTER 9 MNTHS OF TAXOTERE, PUSHING THROUGH THE PAIN FROM MY EYEBALLS TO THE SOLES OF MY FEET, IN EVERY EXTREMITY, THE EXHAUSTION, THE CONSTANT DIARRHEA, THE INCESSANT TEARING THAT WAS AS MADDENING AS THAT WATER TORTURE W/AN RELENTLESS LITTLE DRIP DRIP OF WATER ON YOUR FOREHEAD -- I COLLAPSED.

I SPENT 6 WKS IN BED. I SLEPT ABOUT 20+ HRS A DAY. I COULD NOT MOVE, BUT TO FLEE TO THE TOILET, TAKE A QUICK SHOWER, DRINK THE ESSENTIAL WATER TO STAY HYDRATED AND ALIVE AND EAT SOME MORSELS FOR THE SAME REASON.

I COULD NOT STIR, I SWEAR. I COULD NOT LIFT MY ARM. I WALKED HOLDING ON TO WALLS AND TABLES, IN A KIND OF STUPOR.

I HAD TOUGHED IT OUT, EVEN FLEW FROM FLORIDA TO CALIFORNIA TO ATTEND MY NEICE'S WEDDING (WHICH SHE BEGGED ME TO DO). I WENT, SLEEPING IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT, SLEEPING 5 1/2 HRS ON THE PLANE, SLEEPINGIN THE CAR FROM THE AIRPORT TO THE HOTEL, CRASHING ON THE BED TILL I WAS NEEDED. I REVERSED THIS TO GET HOME. BUT I DID IT. W/A BIG SMILE ON MY FACE. GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE TO BE THERE FOR JESSICA, A SURROGATE PARENT THAT LOVED HER DEARLY.

THE SIDE EFFECTS OF CHEMO LAST A LONG, LONG TIME. THAT WAS MY REALITY ANYWAY. EVEN YRS LATER WHEN THOUGH IMPROVED I MENTIONED TO MY ONC THAT I KNEW IT SOUNDED STRANGE BUT THE DEEP WEAKENING MUSCLE PAIN IN MY ARMS AND LEGS WAS STILL THERE FROM TIME TO TIME. NOT WEIRD AT ALL SAID MY ONC. OTHER PATIENTS HAVE REPORTED THIS TO ME AS WELL. SOMEHOW, THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER. MY PAIN WAS VALIDATED AS BEING REAL AND THEREFORE WAS MORE TOLERABLE.

AS I LAY IN BED THOSE 6 LONG WKS, CANCELLING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING (OR ACTUALLY ASKING PAUL TO DO THAT FOR ME AS I COULD BARELY SPEAK, I COMMUNICATED IN HUSHED WHISPERS HALTINGLY) I USED THE TIME TO MEDITATE. TO FOCUS ON MY BREATH. AS MY MIND WOULD STRAY TO FEAR THAT THIS COULD BE THE END OF ME, AM I DYING?, SURELY I AM REALLY CLOSE TO DEATH, WILL I EVER BE AS I ONCE WAS?, IS THIS PAIN OR THAT A SIGN OF RECURRENCE ALREADY??!!
-- I TRIED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT I HAD JUST BEEN THROUGH A HORRIFIC ORDEAL, THAT I NEEDED TIME TO RECOVER! TO HEAL! THAT I WAS ENTITLED TO THIS OBVIOUSLY NECESSARY/MANDATORY REST PERIOD.

I WOULD BREATH IN THROUGH MY NOSTRILS, HOLD THE LIFE-AFFIRMING BREATH AND CONSCIOUSLY PLANT MYSELF IN THE NOW, THEN GENTLY BLOW ALL NEGATIVITY OUT THROUGH MY MOUTH. I COULD HEAR IT LEAVE MY BODY, FEEL IT AS MY LUNGS EXPANDED. I KISSED AWAY ALL THAT WAS UNWANTED

THROUGH MY PURSED LIPS. THEN AGAIN AND AGAIN, I REPEATED THIS. TRYING TO FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION ON MY BREATH, AS BREATHING WAS ABOUT ALL I SEEMED CAPABLE OF DOING AT THE TIME.

I BECAME KEENLY AWARE OF MY THOUGHTS STRAYING INTO DANGEROUS TERRITORY, WHAT IFing AWAY AND NATURALLY ACCOMPANIED W/PANIC, FEAR, AWFUL IMAGES OF ME MISSING IN PICTURES OF MY FAMILY. I HAD LEARNED TO BE DISCIPLINED IN MY AWARENESS OF WANDERING THOUGHTS AND MENTAL CHATTER, AND USED TO NOTING THEM AND THE EMOTIONAL SENSATIONS THEY BROUGHT AND RETURNING EACH TIME TO BREATHING. IN. HOLDING. AND OUT. LETTING GO... PATIENTLY, PERSISTENTLY, DILIGENTLY.

I WOULD NOTE A PAIN IN VARIOUS BODY PARTS (LIKE MY EYES FEELING LIKE BROKEN GLASS WAS STREWN ON MY EYEBALLS, FOR EXAMPLE -- TAXOTERE MESSES SO WITH OUR TEAR DUCTS, MUCOUS MEMBRANES EVERYWHERE, DRYING THEM UP LIKE DESERT SAND). MY NOSE HURT FROM DRIED MUCOUS. MY VAGINA. MY SKIN COVERING MY ENTIRE BODY, BEGGING FOR MOISTURE. I WOULD NOTICE THE PAIN, BE COGNIZANT BUT I CHOSE TO PERCEIVE IT AS A PASSING PHASE I HAD TO ENDURE. PART OF THE PROCESS OF GETTING WELL. RECOVERING. HEALING.

AT TIMES I WOULD OBSESS ABOUT THIS OR THAT PAIN. FIGHT OFF IMAGES OF CANSER RECURRENCE AS THEY SURFACED ALONG W/FEARS OF HAVING TO LEAVE THOSE I LOVED. FEAR LOOMED OVER ME AS I LAY IN MY BED.

SLOWLY I LEARNED TO JUST *WITNESS* THE SENSATIONS WITHOUT JUDGING THEM. I BECAME AWARE OF THE FEAR BUT DECIDEDLY CHOSE NOT TO *REACT*. BECOMING THE WITNESS OR OBSERVOR IS KEY, I THINK.

AWARENESS BECAME LIKE A BEAM OF LIGHT WHICH I COULD DIRECT. I WAS BECOMING EMPOWERED.

I was no longer my self, transcending into becoming my Self. We have to learn to ditch the small self!

In doing that, I was uniting w/my Spirit. I began to stop feeling apart from the world. More a part of All. I felt one with the All, one with everything that exists, one with infinite Spirit.

In a case of mistaken identity I had been often thinking *I* was The Voice In My Head. That is the little self. It is the part of us that spends all day judging, being critical, blaming, full of resentment and as scared as the small child we once were.

It keeps us feeling separate and lonely. Uniting with your Spirit, is tapping into the divinity within yourSelf. We must learn to transcend the small self and rediscover our Truest Selves, our Supreme Identity. After this comes Enlightenment, rapture and serenity. Life becomes transformed. "Forgetfulness of self is remembrance of God", as many traditions believe. It is a part of the perennial philosophy. It is a breakthrough. The undoing of the habitual tendency to create a separate self where there is in fact only vast, open, clear awareness, as Ken Wilber so brilliantly writes in Grace and Grit.

Our true nature is Pure Presence, not everlasting but prior to Time. It is a timeless Now. And this brings an end to suffering. Not that you no longer feel pain or anguish or fear or hurt, but that you no longer feel threatened by the existence of such things. You become The Witness more than the one suffering. Wilber speaks of this attainment as ' a profound relaxing and uncoiling in the heart'. No matter what, no earthly matters affect our real Being. The person then possesses 'peace that surpasseth understand'.

A desire to help all others who suffer overcomes us at this point in time. Mercy, compassion, love, generosity and gratitude come together. Love your neighbor as your Self!

I love you Marilyn (Hermiracles). Your buts and all. Listen to your Inner Voice. Meditate with passion. Remember -- EVERY THOUGHT IS LIKE A PRAYER AND EVERY PRAYER IS A POTENTIAL MIRACLE.

Let your Inner Voice guide you, strengthen you, nourish you and invest its power in you.

You are in a process of recovering. Healing. Grant yourSelf this time. You have been through so much! Free yourSelf of your separate self. I stand with you. I believe we all do. You can do this. You will do this. Sending a giant hug to you way down under.

And to all my Sister Warriors...

Andi

[schoolteacher]

Andi,

Thank you for the post. I am coming up on my 22nd and 24th months. I needed to hear you say these words.

Amelia

[Sandra in GA]

Thank you Andi! You are a powerful author. Have you written any books? I think you should consider a memior.
Sandra

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yup. It's me again. Wayne Dyer taught me to live AS IF.

Totally changed my life! One of my greatest teachers...