Emergency mri &%#@$!!

[carlatte7]

Oh, Denise....i am sorry that you are dealing with more- again-, but glad no new uglies are the problem. Sending prayers...

[norkdo]

Denise....i come to look for you here. I want you to post more often! Please!!! prayers and love go out to you.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Me too. I am looking for an update on you, Denise.

I think of you ALL the time.

What's happening? Did I miss a post????

LOVE,
Andi

[NEDenise]

Hello My Friends,
Soooo sad about losing Amanda... have been in a bit of a funk. okay... a lot of a funk. Her pain must have been unimaginable. I'm glad she's found much needed peace. But, I just can't stop thinking about her husband and kids. So sad. Such emptiness.

I will miss her already, and want to post a remembrance, but I just can't yet. There are so many priceless things about Amanda... I don't want them to fade.

Losing so many friends, in such close succession... is starting to become overwhelming. It definitely has made me realize how much we need each other... well, at least it's made me realize how much I need all of you! As Shirley pointed out to me... you never know when or who your posts might reach out to... whether they were intended for that person or not.

At first, I thought I needed a break from the board and all the sadness... but I've realized that's exactly what I DON'T need. No one in the world understands what it's like to be us... except us. We have to be here to support each other. So... here I am... tear stained cheeks and all.

Honestly, I haven't been feeling well at all. I'm relieved that the MRI showed nothing tragic, of course.
And the weekend was fabulous!
The kids did great at the band competition,
the fall leaves were in their full splendor...
I got to spend LOTS of time with Ted and our youngest, Ben.

But... I just don't feel well. Like... full blown chemo, not good.
Which can reeeaaally drag your mood to the dumps.
The arm shaking is lessened.
The off balance-ness is tolerable.
No more visual symptoms at all.

Still having trouble with speech.
Now in the spirit of full disclosure... I have always talked fast... really fast.
I've actually had students ask me to slow down because they couldn't "listen that fast".
But this isn't exactly slower speech.
It feels more like how I talk when I've been awake waaaay too long and it just comes out slowly,
a little too quietly, and not crisp...
I drop the consonants on the ends of some words.
Does that make sense?
My brain is sharp... but not my tongue.
And, I could lapse into a nap at any time of the day or night, just by closing my eyes for a few minutes.

On top of that, I have a dull headache almost 24/7 and feel just a little bit nauseous too. I thought it might be related to my thyroid and adrenals but so far we haven't found evidence of that.
As far as Ritalin is concerned I took that before BC for what we thought was chronic fatigue. (thanks for the reminder Rhonda - and welcome back! I've missed you!)
I now think it was the beginning of BC ravaging my body.
I'm torn between wanting to feel better, and being afraid to mask symptoms that might kill me.

Now, friends, remember, you asked.
Please don't think I'm worse off than I am.
My cancer seems to be stable.
It doesn't get a whole lot better to my way of thinking!
I just wish I had more energy and could get more done!

Thank you all for caring about me and checking in on me.
I'm sure you don't realize how much your concern and support mean to me.
Believe me when I tell you that I get much more from being here than I could ever give back!

Sorry this got long. Hope it didn't drone on or ramble too much!
Love to all of you!
And unending prayers as you face the challenges in your life... BC related or not!
Denise

PS- Caroline, I loved the song... no "inappropriate" ad before the version I watched.

[norkdo]

Oh thank you Denise for your post. Thank you thank you.
Your spirit is such a massive treat. Whether low or celebratory it makes not one whit of difference. It just is something I crave to read. You are the most splendid, alive, and life-giving treat. It makes no difference whether your post is indicating sadness or disability or joy and accomplishment. You are the light and soul, to me, of this board and I can't stop rereading your posts, whatever they indicate.
Of course I would love great news and I know those will come. But don't forget to sleep a ton. The body heals during sleep. It has to shut down operations to heal. (My vet instructed "no walks" while my new four month old great dane is recuperating from kennel cough and ringworm...the latter provided by the free kitten the farmer gave me when i purchased the boston great dane pup at three months of age...thanks kitty!) It hit me like a lightning bolt. Of course! Bodies can only heal during shut down of operations!
Me too, re sleep.
I recall such fatique for a couple of years before discovery of "our" (yours and mine) onset of cancer at stage three.
Fatigue went away after treatment (well after the post treatment fatigue went away). Now it is back. I know it is advancement of the cancer beyond the node in my chest that was treated by radiation and so-called "disappeared" but i may be lucky and perhaps it isn't. I find out end of next month when i go for my scans. No symptoms but fatigue. Funny enough the fear is so minimal that the cancer advances because i have read these boards and know that the signature lines contain survival beyond the worst of symptoms that you, for example, are currently enduring.
So thank you for sharing everything as God is in the details of the posts and the excellent survival beyond the worst of pain and weird symptoms.
Love you,
Inspired by you.
You, to me, have become the heart of this site.
Manda's passing is hard on us. We honour her incredibleness in our tears for her.

[KsGal]

Denise...Im sorry that you have not been feeling well. I've been feeling the same, although so far my scans are stable. I think that, in my case, it's stress. I apparently can't handle emotional things or stressful things like I used to, which means I am less "me" than I used to be, which upsets me more.
Losing so many sisters here in what feels like a short period of time, and witnessing how fast things can change with this disease has really frightened me. Seeing so many warm, loving, intelligent women lose the battle right in front of my eyes has saddened and depressed me. But then, we should be sad. It's a terrible loss.
Apparently, in my "new normal" state, I need to find a new way to deal with and express my feelings that my brain can handle. Apparently laying in bed isn't fixing anything..
Just want to make sure that you know how much you mean to everyone here, how everyone looks forward to hearing from you and how much you inspire others to keep going forward. This site has been such a tremendous help to me, and all of us, and I am just so grateful to have found it and all of you. I certainly wish we could have all met under different circumstances.
Im going to keep working on getting my positive attitude back...but big hugs to everyone, and all of you are in my prayers.

[Pamelamary]

So glad to hear from you, Denise, even if you are feeling less than your usual self. Ramble you may do, but in the most delightful way, and drone - never! Which is part of why you shed so much light on this forum....
Warmest wishes..... Pam

[Bunty]

Denise - even in your darker moments, you inspire. Love you my friend. We are all here - right now - always.
Marie xx

[Lien]

Hi Denise,

Your symptoms could be burn-out stuff. You have been under a lot of strain for a very long time. Sometimes our bodies just tell us enough is enough and we need to do relaxing and fun things for ourselves. If your cortisol levels are elevated all the time, your system just crashes sometimes. I could be wrong ofcourse, but at might be something like that.

Hugs

Jacqueline

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Denise,

So distressed to hear about your crappy symptoms. They all suck. Wouldn't wish them on anyone.

You are overwhelmed, stressed out and your body is messed up.

I am praying for you to find the way around all this.

If you haven't checked out my latest post in A SIMPLE FORMULA FOR CHANGING YOUR FUTURE, please take a look. I had you, and well, all of us in mind, when I wrote those words.

It's the only way around our far too many losses in far too short a period of time.

GROUP HUG, EVERYONE!

We must keep moving forward. Onward and upward. Which takes a hell of a lot of effort, I know.

Once in the chemo room days (10 yrs of them for me) the social worker sensed I wasn't myself. I am usually sunshiney, as you are Denise! Apparently, my glow was rather tarnished.

She came over to me, brought a chair up beside me and asked me what was going on.

I stammered. Clueless. I responding, I realized that not only my dearest friend on the planet, Sue, had passed on, but this one and that and oh that one too. My chemo mate for 5 yrs, who sat beside me every wk, who I talked to and e'd and went to dinner with as both our husbands always accompanied us and were there to support one another as caregivers.

The social worker suggested that I write each person's name down and then touch each name, close my eyes and think of them. That I take a few moments to send them my love, which I did at length, and then to send them my blessings and prayers for them.

When I got home, I made my list. To my amazement, there were over 20 names!!!!!!

That alone shook me, but also served to get me out of my funk, which I hadn't fuller realized I had sunken into.

One by one, I did as she suggested. And it was an amazingly gratifying experience. I felt very connected to each one for the few minutes I spent with them. I had a form of closure, sending my love and offering my blessings and prayers. I felt they were with me! Truly! That they heard me. That my words were heard.

You may want to try that out. May it help bring your joy and serenity back. And may your lousy symptoms lessen with each hour of each day, NEDdy!

I love you.

ANDI