Told my kids about the recurrance

Faith in Him · 01-21-2008, 05:32 PM

I just had the heart today to tell my kids about the recurrance. I had too, since my hair will soon be gone again. It was definately a low point on this journey. My six year old son moved on like it was nothing but my nine year old daughter could not understand why it did not work the first time. She seemed pretty concerned. Unfortunately, one of her friend's mom died of breast cancer two years ago.

I tried to answer all her questions as best as possible. Just feeling a little blue today. Tomorrow will be better. God grace is new each morning.

Taxotere is definately kicking my butt so I hope it is kicking cancer butt. Rash seems to be the same but the breast does not seem to feel as warm to the touch. Sorry, I know I'm giving you a blow by blow here but I feel the need to vent. Need to get it out so I can focus on the business at hand. Thanks for being a safe place to share my thoughts.

Hugs,
Tonya

Bill · 01-21-2008, 05:41 PM

Tonya, I pray that God comforts you and your family. He will give you the strength you and your husband need. I pray that your children receive guidance and understanding. Peace to you all, Bill

Becky · 01-21-2008, 05:55 PM

Dear Tonya

The children are the hardest part. They "know" even when you think you aren't saying anything at all. In Oct, when I had a cyst, I told my husband to not say anything to our youngest (16) who is still at home. She figured out that something was up. For her, it is like when you get that bad mammogram and know something is very wrong but no one will tell you anything. She asked that we never do that again - ever! So we promised, lumps - bumps - she's in on it waiting for the results with us.

I am very glad that you are seeing even the smallest of results starting (less warmth).

Sometimes you need round two to make everything be okay.

Jackie07 · 01-21-2008, 05:58 PM

Tonya,

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry you found the recurrence this soon. My residue tumor was overlooked for 4 long years. And I remember the feeling when it was revealed by the biopsy. Several senior members also have (had) recurrences - I noticed that on their signatures. I always draw courage from them. And I know you will, too. Please know that you and your whole family are in our prayers. Jackie07

Jean · 01-21-2008, 06:01 PM

Dear Tonya,
I am sorry that your young daughter has to deal with this news.
It is so difficult when we have to tell our children this type of news.
My son was in college at the time of my dx. and it was not easy for me
or him. So I can't even imagine a nine year old having to understand
absorb and feel safe. These are the moments I hate this disease because
it hurts our loved ones.

I also know that adversity brings propserity and hopfully this will happen
for your daughter. She will have stronger character and sensitivity
for others. Also our children are so resilient that they always surprise us
with their abilities. You were wise to answer all her questions which will
help her cope.

Tonya sounds like the taxotere is working, it is a great drug and I am praying for 110% success on those skin mets. Please keep us posted
and of course come and vent also. Drink fluids after treatment and
rest....sending you healing wishes.

Hugs,
jean

Mary Jo · 01-21-2008, 07:01 PM

Dear Sweet Tonya,
Sending the gentlest hug to you. Holding you close and asking God to lift your spirit.
I'm sorry you had to share this news with your children. There is nothing harder. Becky is right, kids know. They just know when somethings up. Try as we might to hide things - they know. Thankfully children have a resilience like no other and they will accept this news and move forward - just like their wonderful mother.
Yes, God's grace is new every morning and I am thankful for that for all of us.
You are entitled to a "blue" day. And as you said, tomorrow is a new day - once again, may your spirit be lifted and His grace cover you.

Love & peace "sister"
Mary Jo

tousled1 · 01-21-2008, 08:27 PM

Tonya,

I know how hard it is to tell young children what's going on. When I was first diagnosed I told my grandson I had cancer and that the drugs I would get would kill both good DNA and the bad DNA and that I would loose my hair and probably not feel to well. He handled it very well and knew what to expect ahead of time. When I recurred in July of this year I had to tell him that I had to get treatment again -- loose the hair, etc. Children are very good at handling things as long as they are kept informed. I had Taxatore and it shrunk my tumor so I'm sure that it will knock your mets into oblivion!

suzan w · 01-21-2008, 08:51 PM

A tough day for you and your family. Honesty is the best approach and your kids are lucky that they have honest parents! That is a real legacy!!! Peace to you all!!!

Joanne S · 01-21-2008, 11:16 PM

Tonya,

Telling out kids can be so hard because we wan to protect them. Being open and honest with our kids is always best ----so there won't be a trust issue and they won't be concerned that you are hiding something, and a it's a very good example to set for the kids.

Giving us a blow by blow or play by play is a way of venting and sharing. Please don't apologize for that. That's healthy for you and also a way of giving to your

HER2

so we can support you.

Keep the Faith. Wishing you strength and wellness. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Lolly · 01-21-2008, 11:58 PM

Tonya, I know it was hard to tell the kids, but it's the most important part of living with cancer, that those we love are allowed to know the facts so they can come to their own understanding of their part in the journey. I made the mistake of trying to "gloss over" the facts of my first recurrence to my kids, and when they found out, I caught you-know-what; so even though it's hard and we fumble for the right words, the most important part is that we're giving them the power to form their own perceptions of our struggle, and that's well worth the temporary pain of our fear of hurting them. You did the right thing, and they will always love you no matter what.

<3 Lolly

Mary Anne in TX · 01-22-2008, 10:19 AM

Good Morning Tonya! You told them...that's so good. For them and for you. You'll get lots more hugs (God's precious medicine) and tons of energy and spirit boosts from their love and concern. My granddaughter went with us to treatment yesterday and wrote me a little letter while I was in the treatment room. It allowed her to express her fear of losing me and to tell me she loves me and doesn't want me to leave her ever! Maybe some time going to a quick movie or pizza or something easy to talk at would help her process and help you release your concern for her. I'm sending a giant hug and some "secret fun smiles" from my house to yours! I'm praying and believing that your victory will be celebrated for many, many years together with your daughter in special ways! Lots of love, ma

Heide · 02-27-2008, 05:40 PM

I read your post tonight Tonya and I really feel for you about your children. I have a 6 year old and 10 year old. Like you I worry about my older one and how he handles all the road bumps in my treatment. I can handle all the infusions, pokes, prods, tests, scans, injections etc.. but the guilt I have about burdening my children about my disease is the hardest. It's not fair that their mom has b/c and it stinks. I know life isn't fair but I wish their childhood didn't have to be affected by mom's constant appts. Please take care Tonya and I will be thinking of you often.

Carol Carlson · 02-27-2008, 07:21 PM

Tonya,
Children are so amazing in a time of crisis. They are a lot stronger than we give them credit for.
Re: the Taxols
They surely do knock you for a loop but everytime you feel like you're being beat up, just say, " this stuff is doing it's job" and that's something else you can tell your children. That this is tough stuff but it's going to rid you of this disease.
Take care and God bless..
Carol C.

caya · 02-27-2008, 07:50 PM

Dear Tonya,

You just let it all out here kiddo, we are hear to listen to and support each other. It really is the pits our families have to take it all, especially the children. I know when I was first diagnosed I was frantic how the news would affect my daughters, 17 and 20 at the time.

I am praying that the Taxotere will knock our your skin mets - I had 3 rounds of Taxotere, and I was exhausted from it, as well as having other not pleasant s/es. But I just kept reminding myself that it must be kicking the cancer to the curb as well.

I am praying for you and your family.

all the best
caya

micheleu · 02-27-2008, 07:54 PM

Tonya,
are you on tykerb?? That is something to ask your dr. about.

Colleens_Husband · 02-28-2008, 08:41 AM

Dear Tonya:

When I hear of news like yours, I am at a loss for words. Your faith and strength are an inspiration to us all. I am sorry to hear about your recurrance. I hope your family will grow stronger from these tests they are being put through. Please know that you will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Lee

basset girl · 02-28-2008, 12:31 PM

Tonya, may God watch over you and your family and give all of you peace during this. I know when I told my 11 year old daughter when I first got my diagnosis she was very anxious. Her father had just died four months before and I didn't know how she would handle it. She did go for counseling for about 6 months to try to deal with her father's death and my diagnosis. It did help her to let some of her anger out. Last summer when they found the suspicious spots on my lung I didn't tell her. Somehow she figured out something was wrong and actually imagined far worse than it really was. I promised her from now on I would be honest and let her know what is happening. Truly the hardest part of all of this has been worrying about her. I have tried to start each day giving my worries and concerns to God and praying for him to watch over my daughter and help me know what to do. He gives us grace for each day and I am praying for your family that he will watch over all of you. I also pray that the new treatment will work wonders and you will be through this soon with brighter days ahead. Sending you a big hug.

Faith in Him · 02-28-2008, 12:55 PM

You are all so wonderful. The replies have been very encouraging to me. Thank you for all the loving words, hugs and especially prayers.

Tonya

harrie · 02-29-2008, 05:34 PM

Tonya,
I was a young adult when my mother went through the experiences of breast cancer and still raising her children. I can't even begin to express how valuable my experiences of seeing how she handled her disease has been for lessons of life and love for me. It has been an extraordinary role model for me to follow as a mother as well as cancer survivor. I may not have been able to do as well as I am emotionally if it were not for her example of strength and the power of love. She did it all for the sake of her kids and with the power of prayer. It reflected a kind of character in her that we all loved and had a tremendous respect for.
My own children are in their early twenties. I am sure it has overall been a good experience for them to expeience my going through breast cancer and the handling of my treatments.
If you are interested in hearing in more detail how my mother did it all while raising 3 young girls as a single mom, all the while maintaining the most positive proactive attitude, I will be more then happy to share some of her life with you. She was truely magnificent and her memory lives very strongly within all of us.
By the way, she was initially diagnosed in her early 40's and she lived a very productive, good life for a long time (over 20 yrs).
Harrie (maryanne)

Sherryg683 · 02-29-2008, 06:59 PM

I think that is the hardest thing about this disease for those of us with young kids. It is so hard to tell the children. My little girl was 7 when I was diagnosed with stage IV. I never told her how serious it was but it seemed like every TV show we watched had someone dying of cancer on it. She is now almost 10 and still doesn't comprehend it all very well, she has never seem worried. I pray for you because having to go through this a second time has got to be hard on you and your family. sherryg683