Hi everyone, I haven't been on for a long time -- I have a lot of news I'd like to share.
A lot has happened since my initial dx - stage 4, *very* bad... I had so much cancer I went to see a veteran breast surgeon at a major center and she cried...but I told every doctor I talked to that I didn't want any prognoses or opinions on how long I would live, and every single one of them was respectful of that. And dang I saw a lot of doctors!
Here I am 4 1/2 years later - alive and well and living a life that is more fun and full than I ever imagined in my healthiest days, though I went through a lot to get here!!
I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life, but after the cancer it got very intense. I didn't understand why my husband treated me the way he did or why my family offered almost zero support, and I thought there was something wrong with me. I had an excellent therapist and she helped me a lot, but the biggest relief from my depression happened in Sept 2014 when I estranged myself from my step mother (she was like my mother -- my birth mother died when I was a baby -- also my dad passed shortly after my dx). After I kicked that b**ch to the curb I didn't feel depressed for months!! Then it set in again...
One by one I was ending relationships with my siblings as it began to be clear to me how toxic they were for me. My therapist helped me to put myself first and get past my guilt feelings. Then it became so painfully clear to me how toxic my marriage was, I had been avoiding confronting it. The idea of going off on my own had been inconceivable. I remember once, sick and bald, in one of the worst times, a little voice inside saying "some day, I don't know how, I don't know when, but some day I will be free of this."
Well someday came when I decided it did. I strategized, financially, talked to people about healthcare coverage options, worked out business plans and possibilities with the help of some amazing people, and I built up enough hope and belief in myself that I told my husband I was leaving him (we do not have any children so that was not a factor). He has a good side, and he is a brilliant man, and with my illness the last thing I wanted was a contentious divorce. I didn't hate him, he just couldn't handle my situation. But we fought and fought -- he wanted to keep the marriage -- and then finally I was so happy the day I convinced him to accept it, then everything went smoothly and amicably, and he has been very nice about things, which has been so important because I was still getting my treatments (still am), so having only a fraction of a normal energy level, being able to move on my own time was a blessing. This was a little over a year ago, and we are still very good friends, like brother and sister really.
I bought a house not very far away on 5 acres and moved into it in March 2016. My divorce was final in June. In August I met a man who may truly be the love of my life, and we are very happy together. I have started an organic farm and started a jewelry business. In my earlier days I was an engineer, but now I have decided to follow pursuits close to my heart which bring me joy, and I love growing things and making jewelry (among lots of other things
). I have found that with a dramatically impaired energy level I must really stay within that narrow path of what really energizes me in order to be able to mentally keep up. I need to take care that I find ways of doing things that don't require too much physical exertion and so far something always works out for me somehow, with faith! I feel overwhelmed at times, but that is mostly me trying to make up for the 16 years I spent living someone else's passion at the expense of my own so sometimes I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do!
Thanks for reading my story, it has been quite a year! Call me crazy but I did it!!
MY EXPERIENCE DATING WITH A PORT...
Everyone's port looks a little different, but I would say that compared to my met sister girlfriends my port is about the most prominent and worst looking. Anyway, in July I felt I was ready to start dating. I went on match.com and lined up some meetings with a half dozen or so guys.
Before my first date I took care to find a shirt that covered up my port. I had decided that if it was a guy I might want to see again I would tell them about the cancer up front so if he had a problem with it I wouldn't waste my time. I approved my appearance in the mirror and off I went to meet guy #1 at a microbrewery. He was tall, good looking, and friendly, and we smiled and talked a minute and then his eye fell on my port. I didn't realize that when I sat down it peeked out of the top of my shirt. An then there was the little tube that goes up to the vein, that is more subtle but it does show... It felt so awful for me, I felt so self conscious. He suddenly seemed nervous, and I told him I had cancer and it's a device to help my treatments, and that I was doing very well. I did not feel confident at all, in fact I felt scared. Freaking really, inside... Anyway he managed to pull himself together and we had a very good conversation for a couple of hours. He walked me back to my car. I wasn't so impressed by his personality, but he was quite hot so I thought "I don't really know about this guy as a boyfriend, but maybe just a kiss..." lol.
So you know how we all have issues with muscle cramps, etc., and if we have an injury or overexertion it hits us harder and lasts 3 times as long as it used to...anyway, this guy was like a foot taller than me, and when we got to the door of my pickup I turned my head around to see if I would get that kiss and he planted it on me so fast I was twisted all the way around and up, etc, and it had been so long since I had been kissed my body simply would not move! I was like paralyzed in that contorted position for who knows how long? Anyway, somehow I injured a ligament in my right shoulder blade. It was so bad I went to my primary doctor to see if they could do anything for my kissing injury and I got a nice muscle relaxer.
We exchanged appreciative texts afterward but never asked me out again. I felt sure it was the cancer, and I was actually quite traumatized by the experience of him seeing the port and reacting like that. I thought I did not have the strength to meet all of these other guys, and I felt like I couldn't go through that again and I needed to cancel. But after a serendipitously timed therapy session and consulting with a couple of friends and my ex husband, I decided I would be brave and stick with it. This time I planned how I would say it, and I found a shirt in my closet that was flattering, casual, and completely covered the port and the little tube too. My plan worked out great. What I did was I said "See, I have just a tiny bit of cancer." I said it confidently and moved on quickly to the related subject. When they asked I kept it as brief and light as possible.
Anyway, guy #4 was a keeper, and he is now my beloved, so it was all worth it! And he totally acts like the port isn't even there to this day. My breasts look fairly normal, so unlike many ladies I didn't have that to contend with as well. I never had breast surgery, just my affected breast is still enlarged with thickened scar tissue from when it went inflammatory. I'm lucky in that it's not real conspicuous.
Well thank you for reading my story!
Rachael
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