Becky's 2000th post commemorative thread

[naturaleigh]

It only a joke. . . or is it?

President George Bush and first Lady Laura Bush were taking a road trip.

They stopped into a convenience store to buy gas and a few munchies. While inside, the clerk behind the counter came up to Laura and she in turn gave him a BIG hug and a kiss. George needless to say, got a little perturbed.

They got back into the car and George asked Laura, "so who in the world was that fellow"?

Laura responded: "He was the guy that I dated before you and almost married."

George then stuck his chest proudly and said, "Well aren't you glad you married me??? If you married him you would be the wife of a Convenience Store clerk!!"

Laura response:


"No, if I married him, then he would be the President"!!

[Bill]

Naw, 'Nita that's a good one!

[harrie]

Capoeira ...wmv (1552.2 KB)

[Colleens_Husband]

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down an Alp.

[juanita]

a blonde returned home from work to find her house ransacked and burglarized. she called the police and reported the crime. a k-9 unit was the first on the scene. as the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch and moaned, "i come home from work to find all my possesssions stolen....i call the police and what do they do? they send a BLIND policeman!"

[Mary Jo]

Hi Everyone...

I always forget to look at "Keeping Your Mind Off Of BC" - I had so much fun reading these jokes....I have one too............

'A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home in time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned. Then at 8:00 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole" says the husband. "Oh that's terrible" says the wife. "I know" the husband answers. All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Harry...hit the ball, drag Harry.....

Hahahahaha! Sorry that's the best I could do. Hahahahaha!

Mary Jo

[juanita]

Cute!
A young woman was brought before a judge to answer for a ticket she received for running a red light She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher, and requested that her case be dismissed so she could get back to her charges at school. Upon hearing this, a gleam came into the judges eye. "So you're a school teacher? I've waited for years to have a schoolteacher in my courtroom," he said. "Now sit down at the table right there and write "I will not run red lights" 500 times."

[StephN]

For all of us who are---seniors OR have a bad case of chemobrain. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!



And, Speaking of Senior Moments:

'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shoot ... So that's why no one was at church today.'

[hutchibk]

A wise sage once professed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

[Colleens_Husband]

You didn't finish off a case of spray cheese? If you did you would be feeling freaking great.

[hutchibk]

No, I thought that might be unhealthy...

[Bill]

Marejo's funny joke reminded me of a true story. Several years back, a group of my friends went deep sea fishing for marlin on a charter boat. Rick was in the fishing chair when all of a sudden a giant Blue Marlin nails the bait and takes off. Everyone gathers around and watches as this huge fish is taking line and once in awhile as Rick is fighting him, jumps through the air! This was a huge, very strong fish, and if you've never hooked into one, it's alot of exertion to land them. After about 20 minutes of hard fighting, Rick grabs his chest and falls out of the seat and says, "I'm having a heart attack!" At that point 3 men almost break their necks fighting to get into the seat and grab the fishing rod and reel so that the fish couldn't get away! No one lunges for Rick as he slumps to the deck! After about 30 seconds, Jimmy winds up in the chair and reels in the slack and they determine the fish is still hooked and the fight resumes. Everyone cheers! Then they all look at Rick, who by this time has crawled over to lean against the side of the boat, obviously having a heart attack. Mind you, these guys have been fishing buddies for years. Jimmy says, "hey man! are you ok?" Rick says,"I'm having a heart attack" Everyone is still at the stern rail waiting for the Marlin to jump again. I'm not sure who asks, but someone says, "what do you want us to do?" Rick says,"that's the biggest fish I ever hooked into. You fight that GD thing and bring him on board!" LOL, yet another cheer goes up. Every few minutes or so, someone goes to sit with Rick while he's having his heart attack. At one point the captain shouts down from the pilothouse, "what's going on down there?" Rick says,"Just tell him I'm resting! If he knows I'm having a heart attack, he'll turn the boat around" The bait boy knows what's going on, but everyone assures him that he will get a great tip, so he doesn't tell the captain, but he feels bad for Rick, so he puts a cold, wet rag on his head and gives him a bottle of water and then goes back to the rail to watch the marlin jump. Periodically, they check on Rick, but he insists that this heart attack doesn't seem as bad as the others, and that they should keep fighting the fish. Once in awhile Rick shouts encouragement from the deck and asks how the fight is going. One time he actually crawled back over to the chair and wanted to take a turn in it, but the guys, who were taking turns in the fighting chair, wouldn't let him, telling him he had to "rest". They did check once in awhile to see if he wanted to bee-line back to shore, but Rick wanted that fish. Finally, after 4 HOURS! they got the marlin aboard and told the captain, "we're not sure, but we think maybe Rick had a little heart attack alittle while ago. Maybe we should head back to the dock." They shot back to the dock and had an ambulance waiting for Rick upon arrival.

[PinkGirl]

I've got one too, but not as serious as a heart attack. A long
time ago, the Toronto Blue Jays (baseball team) were having a
very good season and ended up winning the World Series. My
husband and I, friend Bob and his daughter Brandy, were in our
basement family room, watching a very important game.

The phone rang and it was for friend Bob. With our eyes glued
to the television set, we could overhear his conversation. It went
like this: "What?......who?......hit by a taxi?.....is the ambulance
there yet?.....okay..... thanks..."

He hung up the phone and continued to watch the game. We all
looked at him, waiting for an explanation. With his eyes glued to
the TV, he said "Deb was hit by taxi while crossing Whitewood Ave."

We waited ... he said "the ambulance isn't there yet, we can watch
the end of this inning". Brandy started to cry "mommy...... she was
hit by a taxi????". We watched the end of the inning, put a VCR
tape in, and all went to the hospital.

[Colleens_Husband]

A clown, a baby seal, and a dyslexic rabbit walk into a club. The bartender says to the clown, "Your not going to start any funny business are you?" The baby seal says, "Don't worry, he is a sad clown, he won't be any trouble." The clown asks, "Do you have an Kosher dill pickles? " Then the dyslexic rabbit says................

Oh wait a minute. I forgot this joke was wholly and completely inappropriate for this forum. Never mind.

[hutchibk]

A penguin takes his car into the shop and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. He goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream. But because he's got no hands, the penguin gets the ice cream all over his beak. He goes back to the shop and the mechanic tells him "well, it looks like you blew a seal" - and the penguin tells him "naw, that's just a little ice cream"...

OK, not totally clean, but really funny!

[Sheila]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The
doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.'

[RobinP]

Whoa, Becky, congrats for all your posts and helpful communications here! Way to go, girl.

Since you are the expert in MEDICAL here goes some medical jokes:

WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTOR?
HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY.

WHY DO SOME DOCTORS PRACTICE MEDICINE SO LONG?
THEY ARE TRYING TO LEARN TO DO IT RIGHT,

WHAT DID THE DOC SAY TO THE PATIENY AFTER SURGERY?
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.

CAN COFFE MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WITH THE FLU DOC?
IT MADE MAX-WELL.

HOPE THESE MADE YOU LAUGH, BEC.

[juanita]

a minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. the group surrounded a dog. concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "what are you doing with that dog?" one of the boys replied, "this dog is just an old neighborhood stray. we all want him, but only one of us can take him home, so we're having a contest. we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." taken quite aback, the minister said, "you boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he then launched into a 10 minute sermon against lying, beginning with "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with "why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." there was dead silence for about a minute. just as the minister was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "all right, give him the dog."

[Sheila]

Subject:Important new health advice for women



IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from Shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to fell better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about
anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare and naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex
lovers are really dying for you to call/text them at 4 in the
morning.

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking then most people.

[hutchibk]

I've heard that Tequila is another in the same class of drugs... the added side effect with Tequila is that it makes your clothes fall off.