Wouldn't we all be better off without this person?

Colleens_Husband · 04-28-2008, 01:06 PM

During the ancient days of the Athenian democracy, the Senate, in an effort to run smoothly, had a policy of voting one person each year to be banished from Athens. The person being banished was chosen based on how obnoxious, over-bearing, or long winded they were. Since anyone could be voted out, most Athenians tried to conduct themselves in a civil and cordial manner.

With that in mind, I would like to open up nominations for someone to be banished from society for one entire year. Feel free to make your nominations as well.

My nomination is a couple of thirty somethings who were standing in front of me on Friday evening at the Oregon City Hagens Grocery Store. As this couple were getting their groceries scanned, they saw a woman walk up to the Starbucks counter for some coffee (well, it was probably a skinny vente' frappucino with sprinkles, I'm not even sure if Starbucks even sells just plain coffee) who had extremely short hair. She was about forty, had a cute figure and a pretty face.

The lady said, "Ewww gross!" I can't imagine why any woman would choose a disgusting hairstyle like that!"

The husband said "She looks butch like a dyke or something."

The lady says, "Why in the world would anyone do that to their heads?"

The cashier, who is a friend of mine looks at me and shakes her head, mouthing "Just let it go, Lee".

And upon retrospect, maybe I should have just let it go. I recognized the hairstyle as the "I just got done with chemo and it is a hot day hairdo."

I was going to say, "Have you considered that the poor lady who is the object of your derision has a valid medical reason for her coiffure choice?" I must have misspoken because what came out of my mouth was something like, "You obnoxious jackasses! The lady has obviously had chemotherapy and is growing her hair out. She didn't choose that hairstyle, she chose life instead of death. Cancer is hard enough to survive without some judgmental morons criticizing her. Even so, I hope you two never have to face the ignorant condescension of inconsiderate louts, such as yourselves, because NOBODY deserves cancer. If her fashion sense makes you uncomfortable, then don't go out into public places, because one in eight women will get breast cancer and one in seven men will get prostate cancer. If you think her hairstyle is troublesome, I think her courage and spirit are commendable. Instead of heaping scorn on this woman, who has already been through so much more than your shallow lives can contemplate, why don't you go talk to her and learn a thing about integrity and bravery!"

They quietly paid for their groceries and left the store and the lady got her espresso.

I was still pretty angry at these people when I got in my car to leave, but I thought that life is too short and precious to waste being angry. That is something that my wife's cancer has taught me.

Anyways, what can you do about these type of people? Nothing really, but maybe I can nominate them for some sort of Hall of Shame. Thats what I'm doing now. And you know what? I feel just a litle bit better about everything.

Have a good day, you deserve it,

Lee

Faith in Him · 04-28-2008, 02:58 PM

Thanks, Lee. I have had people stare at me too. I learned quickly to hold my head up high anyway.

lilyecuadorian · 04-28-2008, 09:17 PM

yes for me too ....but I 'm sure that going out bold or with extremely short hair is the better way to awareness ...plus if other doesn't like to see that ..is kind like "we are all sharing our pain ...me having the short hair style and you watching ..."

hutchibk · 04-28-2008, 11:03 PM

Lee - you are my new hero! Isn't it funny how what we mean to say and what comes spewing out of our mouths is sometimes two entirely different things??? I have learned to love what spews forth! And I only wish I had the quick brain/quick tongue to put together a tirade like yours! Hopefully those jackasses are still sitting at home with their tails between their legs...

jenniferz · 04-29-2008, 11:02 AM

Your wife is an extremely lucky lady to have such a warrior on her side! It would be nice to think that these two people learned something from what you said, but sadly, I doubt it. They have missed that life lesson somewhere along the way. Once stupid, always stupid.

I think you said what others think. I applaud you!

Jennifer

StephN · 04-29-2008, 11:38 AM

Lee,
Your took out the arrow and aimed it well! Just like any good Athenian.

You meant to wound them rather than politely educate their naive little minds. Hopefully now they will keep their mean comments to themselves from now on. But, it may have a secondary effect of them telling their "grocery line calling out" story to others who they catch doing the same as they were doing.

You must have had to clam up and take many curious stares as you are accompanying your wife in her various states of hair/hats/scarves.

I recall going to the opera to see La Boheme wearing a scarf in a (hopefully) somewhat fashionable way as I did not want the people behind me to have to peer over or around a hat. I knew the scarf would draw more attention to my baldness, but did not care! I was as well dressed as anyone else as was my hubby. We were just glad to be able to get out to a cultural event.

Bill · 04-29-2008, 03:53 PM

Way to go, Lee! But, next time, don't sugar-coat it, tell us how you really feel!

dhealey · 04-29-2008, 05:46 PM

I applaud you Lee. Last year during my chemo phase I sometimes chose to go out bald ( I hated wearing a wig) I got so many stares I sometimes wanted to put on a sign that said " yes, all you morons I have cancer, this is what we look like." I still deal with the stares and comments from others as I had bilateral mastectomies and did not chose reconstruction. I wear my flat chest as a badge of honor for having survived 14 months of grueling treatments!

swimangel72 · 04-29-2008, 05:54 PM

Lee - this reminds me of a time, many many years ago, when my girlfriend and I were about 20 years old and standing in line at a fast food place. My girlfriend laughed and pointed to a little girl who's hair was long to her shoulders, but only in bits and pieces - she was obviously going slowly bald. Back then, in the haughtiness of good health, youth and ignorance I was STILL shocked that my gf didn't recognize the signs of chemo, so I told her that didn't she ever consider the fact that this poor child was obviously getting chemo treatments? My gf's eyes and mouth opened wide with embarassment. Fortunately the child didn't hear her ignorant comment. Why people are programmed to be so quick with criticisms of anyone different from themselves is a mystery to me - must be some kind of weird "survival-of-the-fittest" gene or something of that nature, because even good-hearted people (like my girlfriend) say the most negative things. So.....education is the answer.....unfortunately compassion isn't taught in too many schools.

Becky · 04-30-2008, 06:18 PM

I can't remember what visit it was with my rads oncologist (who I still see). I think it was either the last day of rads or the visit that is one month after rads are over. My rads onc is very short for a man (maybe 5'4" or so) but his wife is shorter than him. She is okay looking but certainly not even pretty (but also a doctor).

Anyway, I went to the appointment and wasn't wearing my wig. My hair was very, very short and quite gray. I really don't believe the rad onc had ever seen me that way because I always came to rads flying into the room straight from work (that was a one hr drive away).

So, he was alittle shocked - my wig is much like how I wear my hair so it was longer and brown - now shockingly short and gray (to a point where I was still wearing a wig). He said, "Are you not wearing anything now?" I told him I was because I didn't want people at work to connotate me with being ill. He said, that thank goodness his wife wasn't around because she likes to make fun of people who look or dress funny (with a chuckle).

Why do I still see this man? I told him its very sad that he has to be married to such an overbearing and insensitive woman. (Knowing she was no great beauty and that she is a doctor who never sees patients (radiology)) - I added in that it must be nice to be beautiful and perfect and well loved by everybody. It must be nice to be married to someone like that.

For some reason, we kind of clicked on a certain level AND I like to see him because he knows that I know that not only is his wife a jerk but I know that he is too since his initial reaction to her behavior was endearing. Maybe he was ribbed one too many times for being short but I don't care. When I see him, I always ask how his wife is doing.

Some people were not born nor raised with manners and its that simple. After cancer, I feel it is my duty to let folks know how I feel.

Good for you Lee!

Mary Jo · 05-01-2008, 07:30 PM

Hi Lee,

I don't have anyone to nominate, although I'm sure if I thought long and hard enough I could come up with someone.

The reason for my post is to HIGH 5 you. I loved your post so much that I made my husband pause the DVR so I could read it out loud to him. He loved it too and said "good for him!!!"

Good for you Lee. You gave it to them with both barrels and they deserved it NO DOUBT. They have learned something also because of you. Hopefully they will never, ever look at someone again and judge them. Hopefully your words will always reverberate in their hearts and minds and they will feel shame for what they did.

Once again - HIGH 5's to you Lee..........and I'm sorry you had to witness such a "jackass" display of ignorance BUT I'm confident you taught these people what real men are like. And you are that real man.

Love to you and Colleen,

Mary Jo

Leslie's sister · 05-08-2008, 05:24 PM

I'm reading this thread and realizing that there are just plain dumb people out there.

Anyway, here is another idiot comment/question posed to my sister

My sister's hairdresser asked my sister after her very recent double mastectomy, "So what is it like to not have any nipples?"

How would one answer such a question?????????????

Besides the obvious, "So what is it like to not have a brain."

hutchibk · 05-08-2008, 08:08 PM

I like this response that I learned at the Day of Caring last week in Denver - during the Fear of Recurrence meeting:

moronic statement to cancer patient: "Wow, you must have done something really bad to make God mad at you..."

appropriate answer: "Well, if that's the case, then I sure hate to see what he has in store for you!"

Bill · 05-08-2008, 10:10 PM

Good one, Hucklebuck. Alot of people are so thoughtless in what they say. I'm guilty of that too.

Sheila · 05-09-2008, 08:12 AM

The best thing I've done was get a port...although not the most attractive accessory on my chest/neck area...I've gotten a few stares and eeewwwssss..like I've swallowed a grape or something...I always tell them "I Love it!!! Its the most expensive jewelry I will ever wear around my neck!" They don't know what to say.

PinkGirl · 05-09-2008, 09:55 AM

There is a joke that I like. I don't think it is appropriate for the newly dx. or those who have recently had
mastectomies, but me and my sick sense of humour rolled on the floor
when I heard it, and I was newly dx.

The story about the hairdresser asking about what
it's like to not have any nipples reminded me of it.
(I can't imagine someone ever asking that question!!!)

So, here's the joke.

What is one of the advantages of not having any
breasts????

No one knows when you're cold.

Get it???? You know how we worry about our nipples sticking
out when we shiver????

Anyhow, I must have heard it at a good time for me because
I laughed til I cried.

Leslie's sister · 05-09-2008, 10:04 AM

Pink Yeah, I get it. It is good to laugh about all of this.

Would have been a good response to the stupid hairdresser too. Though it lets her off too easy.

Had I been there with SIH (stupid, insensitive hairdresser), I most certainly would have said the "What is it like to not have a brain" comment. Rude, OVERLY insensitive comments irk me.

Keep laughing,

Lisa

hutchibk · 05-09-2008, 10:34 AM

That's a good one Lisa! You know, you really can't fix stupid.

fauxgypsy · 05-19-2008, 08:32 PM

I went to the dentist with my daughter during my no hair days. I was wearing a pink baseball cap and I felt awful. A mother and grown daughter sat over on the other side of the room and stared and whispered. I still wish that I had gone over there and told them that my lack of hair was a temporary condition but rude was forever. You go, Lee.

BethC · 05-21-2008, 02:17 PM

Lee, that might have been me with the goofy hair, so thank you!

I had an experience kind of like yours recently. My family and I are going to Disney World next week and we can't wait. Yesterday, a couple of ladies at PTO asked how long we would be gone and I told them 10 days. They both said "Wow, who gets to go to Disney World for that long" and continued with comments like that. Finally, after the third comment by them, I said "People who have had breast cancer in the past year." I didn't mean to be harsh but they were being so insensitive and clueless I couldn't stand it anymore. Sometimes people need a reality check.