Cheryl ...

How was mine found? I complained of increased dizziness and an infrequent but strange visual thing in my peripheral vision of left eye. My onc said: "Do we have pictures of your brain?" And since the answer to that was "No"...we scheduled my first brain MRI. That was it.

The normal MRI showed one lesion 1.5cm in size, but the triple contrast/smaller slice MRI showed a second one of 6mm behind my left eye. Both of those first ones were treated successfully.

It was my second follow-up MRI that showed the multiple small mets, somewhere around 15.

This past month or so I have had the increased dizziness again, but no visual disturbances that I can say "for sure" to. But have had some additional head pains/pressure at times.

I also had a very sore screw spot with my second SRS, back of head on the left...didn't bleed as much as what you are saying, but hurt, then was very sore/tender for over two weeks.

Cheryl, I remember how very scared and MAD I was with my first dx of brain mets. "NOT MY BRAIN!!!" I kept screaming in my mind.... But my two oncs were both telling me how 'young' I was (lol, I had just turned 53!) what good shape I was in etc etc etc, that I began to believe I could be one of the ones on the FAR side of survivorship.

That took SOME of my fears and shrunk them a little bit, yet I made my lists of things I wanted to take care of...began to do so...putting my ducks in a row for my death. From will to prepaid creamation to music at my memorial and obituary. Doing these things freed me to begin enjoying the small things in each day. Mostly, I can still be in that 'calm place', but not always...

I have never once said: 'why me?' I think that is a very narcissistic way of thinking. Why not me? Everyone on the planet has issues to deal with, many of whom are dealing with MUCH WORSE problems of health than I am. I do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, wish to change places with anyone...do not want to walk even a foot in their shoes.

I am lucky and so grateful to have loving close family and friends. I am lucky that my two daughters are in their twenties. I am lucky that my pain is controlled. I am lucky to have such a great med onc. I could go on and on...

I just hope for you to find a way through, to find a place of calm for yourself. Our fears will be there, but we can do something about the amount of fear we feel...how debilitating or NOT.
I think that is totally and individual thing, the WAY we do this... but I know it can be achieved.

Here's hoping and praying for great follow-up scans and the FAR SIDE of survivorship!!!!!!!!!!!

much love, many hugs,
pattyz