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Old 06-18-2013, 05:43 PM   #81
Paula O
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the
child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
and for junk food, cereal and soda in the other aisles.



Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't
get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."



Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.



She said to the incredibly patient gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.

I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. A lot of mothers could learn a thing or two from your example.”



Grandad smiled, and the woman said, “William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......my gandson's name is Kevin."
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Old 06-19-2013, 06:00 PM   #82
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

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Old 12-07-2013, 05:05 AM   #83
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work..
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.
3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

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Old 12-08-2013, 06:23 AM   #84
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

10 Things For Every Mom to Know:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ4Rnba85o8
(By Kid President)
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Old 12-14-2013, 05:38 AM   #85
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/vid...rt-1/17w3cwhc4

Jay Leno interviewed Dorothy Custer back when she was 100 (as well as birthdays after that).
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Old 12-23-2013, 04:47 AM   #86
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Refrigerator magnet/ T shirt sayings:

“There’s only one more shopping
day until tomorrow.”

“Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for washing my face with spit on your hankie.”


These are some Patsy Clairmont thought up:


Menopause: a target for heat-seeking devices
Need a facelift? Try smiling!
Hormones: emotional chiggers
Trifocals: triple ripple

Paula
Isa 33:2 O Lord, be gracious to us, we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

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Old 05-11-2014, 03:52 AM   #87
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Passing along some Happy Mother's Day smiles......
--Paula
A merry heart does good, like medicine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY
World's Toughest Job


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyzHYlYr88o
"I love Moms or Something"
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:51 PM   #88
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Happy Mother's Day ... Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Thanks, Paula, for the neat links.

Hope all the Mothers here on the Board have had a happy Mother's Day.
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Old 05-16-2014, 07:40 AM   #89
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

I know that it has beed few days since Mother's day, but thank you for that link it really made my day
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Old 06-08-2014, 04:21 AM   #90
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

"A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it."
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:39 AM   #91
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To Me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To Me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?'
"Wait a minute."

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Old 08-29-2014, 11:36 PM   #92
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Why do women have hemorrhoids more then men?
Because men are already perfect a**holes.
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Old 08-30-2014, 03:40 PM   #93
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:46 AM   #94
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

What did one strand of DNA say to the other strand of DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet."
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Old 09-11-2016, 02:36 AM   #95
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

A philosopher says to a linguist, "What if instead of periods, women had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions."

Ha!
Paula
My blog: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/
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Old 09-11-2016, 05:50 PM   #96
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Hahaha! too short, must laugh longer Hahahahahaha!
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12/12/16 CT/Bone scan Mostly stable significant uptake at L2 plan to PET
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3/29/17 CT & BS = NEAD
7/31/17 Aetna denies access to H&P <gearing up for a fight>
8/4/17 CT& BS= STABLE
8/9/17 No treatment, Aetna still denying H&P
8/14/17 Aetna appeal approved H&P through February 2018!
2/5/18 CT & BS = STABLE

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Old 09-12-2016, 04:46 PM   #97
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

>Hahaha! too short, must laugh longer Hahahahahaha!



What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
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Old 11-16-2016, 04:55 AM   #98
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

More funny jokes here...
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Old 11-21-2016, 03:55 AM   #99
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

I posted a whole bunch of Thanksgiving riddles and a turkey cartoon in my blog today if you want some corny stuff to pass along this week : http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1656

It used to be that I could highlight, copy, and paste cartoons and put them here in this section but does't seem to work any more (It'll just describe the image in a word when pasted---not so funny! )

The real treasure there is the Bald Headed Ballerina--WOW! Whatdayathink?! No stopping that gal, huh?!
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Old 12-17-2016, 03:55 AM   #100
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
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