how do you deal with friends who aviod you?

valleygirl · 02-15-2012, 07:34 PM

How do you deal with your friends who avoid you? I'd say 96% have been very distant. Some have been my friend since childhood. I have some coworkers that I think of as family, who I've worked with for over twenty years. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
I'll text and won't get a text back, I think phone calls have been avoided and once I do get a hold of them I can tell they're not comfortable
talking about what I'm going through. I have tried to just keep the conversation light and up beat, but there always seems to be a monkey in the room.
Even on facebook no one seems to response to my posts. earlier tonight I asked friends to join me for our local Relay for Life, asked them to message
me if they were interested, No messages. My husband suggested that I just invite some over for dinner, he thinks they may be more comfortable
talking in person. I'm not comfortable with that because I'm not comfortable with how I look in tops. If I do go anywhere I leave my coat on. I had a
double mastectomy, have a implant on one side and an expander in the other, but find it very noticeable. I'm still in some pain and wearing a bra
is painful. I know I've been very emotional lately and having a hard time turning it off. I only know one other woman who has had breast cancer but
she lives 1000s of miles away and don't know her very well. How do you deal with friends?

SoCalGal · 02-15-2012, 08:19 PM

I would suggest that you find a breast cancer support group. That will help you get more comfortable with yourself and as a result your friends will be more comfortable with you.

chemteach · 02-15-2012, 09:16 PM

No one knows what to say or how to act. They are nervous and uncomfortable because it is a life threatening event. My friends were somewhat distant too until I started to talk about this whole process to them, and then the dialogue started. They will ask questions. I answered honestly and completely and was very open about all that I have gone through. Some want to know what it's like. Some what to know what your chest looks like, about the scars, the expanders, the new boobs and so on. Let them ask and show them whatever you are comfortable with. I am glad to share my experience with whoever asks because ignorance and fear can be lessened with someone who is in it. I have not changed as a person, but my body has, and true friends know that. Relax and let them know you're still who you are. I cannot be militant or overbearing about this disease, but I will offer my opinion when asked. People are people.....they can't help it.

Debbie L. · 02-16-2012, 10:49 AM

Dear VG:

I don't have answers for you but I can tell you that all of this is very normal. First of all, you're in that extra-vulnerable time that happens to most of us, as treatment ends and the body begins to heal. It seems like the things that have been shoved into "hold" mode, as we used everything we had to get thru treatment -- those fears and emotions and doubts and vulnerability can see it's their time to emerge, that it's time for us to deal with them -- and all at once like that, it can hit us hard. I don't think there's a magic way to get thru except just to keep slugging on and know it will improve eventually, but it can help to know that it's normal and common, and that many others have had the same issues.

As for friends, as chemteach said so well, people are people, and they are scared, even terrified, of cancer. I think it's in part that our society is so death-phobic. Even though most people do know that everyone with cancer does not die -- there's still tremendous fear around cancer. So for those who've dropped off the radar, you have several options. You can write them off as not-really-your-friends, and move on. Or you can reserve judgment and leave room to let them back in, if they eventually get their act together and want to be close again. That's a personal decision. But I have heard lots of women say (later on) that their cancer diagnosis actually strengthened their network of friends, because it weeded out the ones who were not real friends, while deepening other friendships and opening opportunities for special new friendships.

About the appearance of the chest -- I assure you that although to you right now, your appearance feels extremely weird and obvious -- no one else is noticing! Again, there is no magic answer that will fix this for you instantly, but again -- time (and some more physical healing) will fix it. Eventually you will come to accept that what's on your chest is just you. You may not be thrilled with it (although we hope you are), but regardless, it will stop feeling so obvious to you. You will stop being constantly aware of how you think it looks. Honest!

This is a time to be oh-so-gentle with yourself. And as patient as you can be. This all takes time (alas). Those around you may want you to begin moving on, but we know that it takes time for that to happen, and if you need to hear, again, that you are totally normal and your feelings are common and understood by all of us here -- come back and talk about it some more. I think that face-to-face breast cancer friends are great, but in today's connected world -- they are not essential. If you have an online support system who understand and nod heads when reading what you're expressing -- you'll be much more able to let those friends be more distant, and those family members be less understanding (than they were during the acute phase of treatment). While you're being gentle with yourself, try to spread some of that around for the other people in your life, too, even the ones that are hurting you right now. Their bad behavior is not directed at YOU, it comes from their fear. Which doesn't necessarily make it less hurtful to you right now, I know. Like I said -- no answers, but lots of understanding.

Keep talking, let us know what you think about what we've said, okay?

Love,
Debbie Laxague
PS: If you can do without the support, the ultra-lightweight "barely there" types of seamless bras are the most comfortable if you're still healing.

ElaineM · 02-16-2012, 11:33 AM

You may be dealing with other people's fears about cancer. Just the word cancer scares alot of people.
I say just ignore them and make new friends.
I learned something from a co-worker who died of breast cancer 2 months before I was diagnosed.
Most co-workers ignored her or were overly sweet to her. I just treated her like I always did. We talked about whatever she was in the mood to talk about or professional things going on. We enjoyed a nice friendship until the week before she died when she became unconscious and couldn't talk anymore.
I did not tell most of my friends and relatives when I was diagnosed. I only told a few friends and relatives who I knew could handle my health problems and swore them to secrecy. Most people I know still do not know about my health problems 13 years later. I can be more effective in my various interests and projects, because everybody treats me normally. This method may not work for everyone, but it works for me.
Hold your head high and keep going. Don't worry about other people's fears so much.

sarah · 02-16-2012, 12:42 PM

Hello,
Sorry to hear this but we've all gone through this. I agree about joining a support group, it will help you realize you're not alone and many others are going through the same thing. In our group besides this problem, some have seen their husbands/partners/caregivers give up.
May I suggest that you send those friends you would really like to have back in your life, (cut the rest- good riddance) send them a joke or cartoon not about cancer just anything and say "hey let's be in touch and please let's not talk about cancer."
It's not odd, after my relapse I emailed my brother - yes BROTHER and no answer, no call, nothing! so I emailed him and misquoted Mark Twain's famous line (after an obituary appeared for him!) "the rumors of my death have been greated exaggerated!" my brother called immediately!!! I didn't berate him and we talk about all kinds of stuff.
Read, watch movies, do what you enjoy and things will get better.
There's a wonderful post on this site about what to say to someone with cancer, not sure if you'd want to send it on but it's true so many people don't have a clue what to say and are scared. I had one friend who I thought was intelligent! ask me if it was catching!!! I fell over laughing but.....I actually thought she was brave (since she thought that) to come over and hug me!!!
You're at one of the hardest stages, it gets better and you'll find new, better, more understanding friends. Also caregivers need support too.
Our small support group where I live is wonderful and we have a great time and we're like a crazy family and we care so much about each other. This site also is a great support group.
health and happiness
hugs and love
sarah

valleygirl · 02-16-2012, 06:11 PM

Thanks for the replys. I'm going to look into a support group in my area. I do understand to some point how my friends feel and I don't think i've made it very easy for them. I do seem to want to talk about my troubles alot. I'll keep coming here with all my questions, I seem to have so many. Good thing you guys always have such good advice. Thank you!!!!

Britbee · 02-16-2012, 10:17 PM

Hi what I did was write a blog. I sent it to all my friends with the by-line "if you are interested" and a lot of them said they enjoyed reading it and that it was very informative. I also found writing things down very therapeutic for me as I am going through this. I was fortunate that most of my good friends stuck with me through this. I hope you find that they will eventually come around. There is some very good advice in this thread, everyone on this forum is awesome!