again with the blues

[Joy]

Hi all,

just having a rough day. Nothing in particular. Well except cancer. I have scans next week too. I'm sad to think that maybe my run with Navelbine will end and then we have to face decisions and then what. I mean I know there are options. But i, just like all of you, want it gone. I would like to wake up some day and know that it is gone and I don't ever have to face it again. But, I know that is not possible and that makes me feel alone and scared and angry. All I want, really, is to grow old. So many people get that opportunity and I don't understand why I can't have that. It is so unfair as you all know.

When will my body say it just can't handle more drugs? When do they all just stop working? Why can't this dumb thing just be fixed? Is there any hope that some treatment will really work after all the ones I have had? Is there any real hope at all. Any hope that I will get to raise my kids? Meet my grandkids? Outlive my driver's license expiration?

I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do.

[Sherryg683]

Oh Joy, I feel the exact same way you do. Everyone tells me "you're doing so good" (because I am in remission). They just don't understand the fear of this thing coming back and not being able to stop it. I too would just like to grow old and raise my kids. I look at old people and feel so envious. I have my good days but it's always in the back of my mind. Sorry I can't be more encouraging, except to say I understand how you feel and you are not alone in feeling that way. There is always hope and faith, that's what gets me by...sherryg683

[jag]

Joy -i Understand What You Are Saying...there Is A Lot Of Whys-what Ifs And Will They Questions...i Do Not Have Any Answers ...but All One Can Do Is Take One Day At A Time....easy To Be Said...but All One Can Do...maybe They Will Find A Cure....maybe You Will Meet Your Grand Kids ....try To Enjoy Each Day....dont Lose The Good Days Now When You Feel Ok....as It Says In The Bible Tomorrow Is Promised To No One......all We Have Is Today....bless You Joy...and I Hope And Pray God Watches Over You....and Heals You ...and Blesses You With A Long And Happy Life...i Hope I Said This In The Way I Meant...take Care Joy....

[Jean]

Dear Joy,

When I was first dx. I was feeling really frightened and very much alone.
I had one of my close friends tell me - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow
and yet in my mind I answered with - "well I can see the bus and the license plates on it"...I believe each one of us is worried and frightened at different
times - this cancer is like a hellish roller coaster. There is no easy answer
to reslove the emotions we endure.

I don't think stage even matters - all of the woman worry about this
disease. Our state of mind is so very important (the mind helps the body)
I am not saying that we will heal ourselves through our mind, rather I
believe we help or assist our bodies immune system to flourish and fight back.

I try not to have the cancer define me and take over my days to the point
that I can not function (which can easily happen). I also find it helps to
think of all the women that are surviving and doing well. (And you can and
will too)!

What helps me is to look around me and I see many who are less fortunate.
The world is full of bad things happening to good people. (Just recently the
nightmare at Virgina Tech.) We never know what tomorrow will bring
and it just might be a cure. I say to myself daily I can beat this and most
important I remember that I am not alone, I have my sisters on this
board to help me when I need it. Every day is a gift, please Joy don't
waste a day in fear - enjoy each day and live it.

Hope you feel better - sending you many hugs!
Jean

[tousled1]

Joy,

I feel your pain. Perhaps the upcoming scans is what is making you feel so down right now. I know that when I have scans scheduled that's when I'm at my worst emotionally. I'm praying that your scans will be okay and you won't have to make any decisions about treatment.

[Hopeful]

Joy,

I am so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your treatment now. So much of bc is mental; it is not enough that our bodies bear the brunt of this disease, but our hearts and minds suffer even more. So many times I have read your posts and felt your light shinning off the screen and bathing me in its glow. But even our sun doesn't shine brightly every day. Every now and then, a cloud crosses its face, only to have it re-emerge and shine even brighter. This is how I think of you. I have no answers for you (none of us does, but you know that), just whatever positive energy I can send your way. You give so much to us all - I'm glad you let us know you can use some to come back to you. You are in my thoughts.

Best of luck to you with your scans.

Hopeful

[Soccermom]

Dear Joy,
I wish that i could wave a magic wand and make "IT" all go away! I'll send healing thoughts and vibes your way and as Hopeful said , the sun will shine again for you soon.
I have my scans next week too, on Wednesday the 25th, and am feeling anxious too. The folks I work with just don't "get it" and keep nagging me to put on my happy face. Survivors are entitled to feel whatever they feel, when they feel it ( we have earned it) !

Big ginornous hugs,Marcia

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Dear Joy,

I was so touched my your posting. We've all been exactly where you are. Cancer, I've learned, is all about FEAR. Conquer the fear, the worries, the "what ifs" and you rid your body of toxicity that will hamper your immune system and make you feel mierable. I've learned (since '95, and again in '98, and all the days inbetween and since) that I must refuse to allow thoughts full of poison to ravage my body and my life. So, not to get sappy, but I have learned, through meditation, and reading wonderfully inspiring books I now call Spiritual, that WHAT YOU FOCUS ON ALL DAY WILL CALL YOUR "DESIRED" OUTCOME TO YOU. I live with an open heart, becoming a vessel if you will to receive pure, unconditional Universal Love. It fills me up and radiates from me, as it overflows. I give it to every one I meet. I believe in the mind/body connection and instruct my body daily -- NO MORE CANCER. I WANT TO LIVE WELL AND HEALTHY. I KNOW that I have the personal EMPOWERMENT to draw what I want to me. The ENERGY I send out is sensed, and responded to IN KIND, by the Universe. My loving Energy is matched and returned to me, like a boomerang. I live AS IF what I want already exists. It does. Out there in the stratosphere. I am a living magnetic field. I draw HEALTH AND WELLNESS to me, calling out to it, commanding my body to get it's act together and start functioning properly. To kick start my immune system. I command myself to live! I envision myself far into the future, surrounded by family, glowing and happy. I see this in vivid details. I thank God every single day for my good fortune. For my blessings. I give of myself, serving great purpose, helping others and reminding God of the many good reasons I need to remain alive. Love, Gratitude, Joy, Serenity, Laughter, Compassion take over, alter your body chemistry and keep you in Harmony. Friends look at me and say, You have breast cancer and look at you. What am I looking at? You look so -- happy and peaceful!! That is what I wish for you, Joy. And for all you great ladies out there fighting for your lives. Sending, loving, healing Energy...ANDREA

[tricia keegan]

Joy I'm sorry you're having a sad day,I think we all get them no matter how positive we are in general. I'm stage 2 but understand and have those days myself,but in my case it's usually when will the stage iv come...how many years will I have after that? Maybe I'll die within weeks?? It's all negative thinking but we can't help ourselves and I think it comes with the disease!
In truth we have to go right down in order to come up smiling and hopeful again and I have no doubt you will.
In the meantime I'm sending you lots of good healing vibes and a few cyber hugs thrown in!!
Hang in there..tomorrow will be better.

[Margerie]

Joy,

So much of this mess is hard. I think the diagnosis is like getting thrown off a cliff, the stages are just how high. Like Chris Martin sings "How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?"

I have said this before: we should be offered a class in test psychology. I have a scan on the 2nd and feel myself slipping a little. Sometimes denial land looks pretty good.

I hope you have good results and that smile is on your beautiful face again soon!

[Mary Jo]

Hugs to you Joy....................

I think, if we're honest, we all feel how you feel from time to time. It hits when you least expect it. I felt so bad when I read your post because I would love to just take it all away from you. If I could, I most surely would. But, obviously I can't. What I can do is pray that our Jesus would wrap you in His arms of Peace and hold you close and that I have done.

Today is all we have. Our tomorrow's we can't change and our yesterday's are over. TRY to enjoy this day.

Loving you as a "sister" on this journey,

Mary Jo

[lindaw]

Dear Joy

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I find I often go through that when i feel the treatment isn't working and may have to go to another one. it just feels endless some days and i ache for my former life when i felt well and never had anything wrong with me.
I don't know how to get through it - it is incredibly hard and mostly lonely cause apart from us guys - no-one really understands how it feels to be you.
We are here for you as you have been for so many of us.

love
linda

[Bev]

Hang in there Joy. I hope the scans come back wonderful. You can't do anything about a situation that doesn't exist yet. So take that worrying energy and put it towards enjoying life.

I spend some amount of time everyday worrying, and I do have a good imagination, but come back to why worry about some possibility? You can't get upset about it until it's identified. Then you can research and work up your best plan of action.

It's good to vent. Keep up the good work, Bev

[mamacze]

Dear Joy,
And that, for me, is what this fight comes down to...living long enough to raise your kids. A mothers love. You hit the nail on the head. What a wonderful, loving, caring mamma you must be.
You can give and give and give for so long and perhaps you just need to rest for a few minutes. Dear Loving and evelasting God...your ray of light on earth, Joy, is just wanting to feel healthy, to continue to serve you in great love; to lovingly raise her children. She is exhausted, God and she is worried about her upcoming scans. She is sick of being sick. You are the great healer, God. Hold Joy in your arms, heal her and help her find peace.
Please stay with us Joy and let us know the outcome of your scans.
Sisterly love ... Kim from CT

[hutchibk]

Joy - all I can say is that I feel exactly like that so very often. Those days are a struggle and sadly are just part of the package. I agree that all I want is to just be able to grow old. We are so very lucky to have each other here on this message board. We really understand what each other is feeling and going through... and our well-partners and well-friends just can't comprehend. I wish love, prayers, energy, and light for all of us here. Especially you today.
LIVESTRONG!

[MJo]

I'm listening. All the very best to you and yours. And robust health to you in particular.

[Emelie]

Joy,
I felt so sad for you when I read your message! I felt the exact same way last week and had a long, hard cry in the shower where no one could hear me. Please know that all of us on this site feel your pain. You are not alone in those places where our mind tends to go when we feel down. You just have to remember to not visit that sad place too often or for too long. I am sending you warm thoughts and prayers that your scans will come back "Great" and you can once again, be the Joy that you are to all of us.
Happy thoughts coming to Colorado especially for Joy.
Emelie

[Joy]

all of the advice, shared thoughts and prayers and keep it in my nightstand! Thank you for such beautiful and passionate responses. I'm better today even though the cleaning elves have not showed up. I guess I'll be occupied with toys and laundry and vacuuming and grocery shopping-like a normal person, huh?

I really needed all of your reminders for daily life with this disease and like always, on this board, I'm moved by all of you and need you and love you.

[Mary Jo]

HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Joy, Your way of expressing yourself moves me so. Your genuine sentiments and your humor make you glow, even in cyberspace! I think I'm in love. I have felt, and lived through, everything you comment about. Please stay in touch with your Essence, your Soul, your Spirit. It has eons of wisdom and wants only to help you. It is your Inner Voice. Your Teachers, Guides and Guardians Angels walk with you. They speak to you. Listen. They love you. We are never alone. Never. We are always divinely connected!

It a joy to meet you, Joy! Stay in touch. Stay strong, brave and determined, loving, full of laughter and humor, giving and grateful for your blessings. Work each day toward becoming a miracle. You're doing a thumbs up job! My prayers and thoughts are with you. This is one lady headed for NED! Look out world!
ANDREA