year anniversary..feeling scared

Sherryg683 · 11-17-2006, 11:04 PM

My year anniversary with cancer is coming up and I feel pretty scared. I can't help but thinking that one year down, is one year closer to the average expected survival for stage IV cancer. Which as we all is not good. I am feeling fine, and still in remission, although I get scanned again at the end of the month. I just feel so depressed waiting for that other shoe to drop. I have got to live at least another 10 years is what I tell myself. I've got to see my little girl turn 18 (at least). I know I am asking for a lot but I just can't leave her without a mom. Not really a question here, just feeling insecure...sherryg683

dawn · 11-18-2006, 05:50 AM

Hi Sherry,

I know how you feel. I've got my five year old son and two year old daughter that I wait to see to 18. It gets so scary sometimes. I notice every little thing they do and sometimes I think Im going to drive myself crazy holding on to everything. I just had a major meltdown last night, my husband did his best, but its hard for anyone to come to your rescue when they don't know what is going on in your head. My one year anniversary is coming up in March and I wonder too, how many more I've got. But then I tell myself, why should I be any different from anyone else with BC. On the other hand my oncs are very optimistic with my treatment and are looking at long term. But why not ask for a lot. We've all had to take a lot since or DX so what is wrong with a little in return. I don't think it's a lot when you're asking to raise your children to adulthood. I know Im looking forward and going to fight for it. Here's hoping they'll get a cure!!!!
Dawn

Joe · 11-18-2006, 07:11 AM

The subjecy of our first teleconference will be about dealing with the stress of cancer for both patients and caregivers:

www.her2support.org/tc.htm

Regards
Joe

MJo · 11-18-2006, 11:12 AM

The one year anniversary of my diagnosis was November 1. I am feeling vulnerable too. I worry about all the what ifs....what if I do have some stray cells growing. What if they are in my brain. What if I'm one of the patients who doesn't respond to Herceptin. At the same time I am down on myself for worrying. I think I should be grateful, thrilled with life, aware of every wonderful thing, etc. After all, I've been given a second chance.

Maybe this is a stage we pass through. Is this post traumatic stress?

StephN · 11-18-2006, 02:56 PM

Dear Sherry and ladies,
Your fears are quite normal and I was having just this discussion with one of the chaplains at my cancer center. (SHE went through breast cancer treatment in 2005/06 herself!)

The substance of that discussion is that I am pushing 60 and have had quite a rich and active life, but still want to fight this disease in every way I can. She is younger and relates more to what you all are saying about having young families, etc.

The stress is incredible and people with our diagnosis have it even harder than the more common forms of BC.

My chaplain is just getting to where she has the energy to do things like run and mountain bike again. She took a bad tumble mountain biking several weeks ago and the x-ray showed a couple of fractured ribs. Her pain was worse and she was complaining, thinking maybe she had some disease progression. A bone scan was finally ordered which showed NOT 2 ribs, but SIX ribs with TWO fractures each. Thus a bone scan is much more sensitive, and she was vindicated for her complaining.

All this was quite frightening, not to mention the discomfort. We also talked about the parallel with mental pain, that exists for us. The physical pain can be a distraction, but ups the fear level. Then there is the unknown...

I found that with time you just keep going and trying to enjoy life at every opportunity. But, you HAVE to cut yourself some slack from time to time to deal with the mental aspect. So, go ahead and come face to face with that fear, then put it back in its pigeon hole and go on to something that makes you feel good. Like decorate a little for Thanksgiving and look for some fun new recipes.

rinaina · 11-18-2006, 03:56 PM

Of course these worries are normal and there isn't a one of us that doesn't have a reason to want to live until the next momentous time in our childrens lives but especially while they are still so young and being raised by you. Mine are 24 and 28 but single and I have done my raising but I want to be around to see them get married and to have grandchildren. There is always something to want to be around for.

sabpri · 11-18-2006, 09:06 PM

I feel the same way! While my family and friends feel like every month that passes I am that much closer to remission, I unfortunately feel like it is getting closer to the countdown of my end! I was diagnosed with Bone Mets at diagnosis August 2005. My twins just turned 2 and my daugther almost 4. I HAVE to live at least another 15 years, which would be pretty miraculous for a Stage 4 person. I know I have read 1-2 years mets come back, and now I feel like at 15 months out I am smack dab in the middle of the Cancer Zone! AAGGHH!

Everyone keeps telling me how great I look now, how happy they are that I am done with cancer, etc. etc. I just smile and say yes, but it makes me feel so alone inside because I am just as emotionally tormented as I was when I was going through chemo. No one wants to hear all my misery and emotional pain and fears of cancer coming back and every ache and pain I freak out over!! I found a good therapist that has helped me to deal with it and is has helped.

It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Here is to us, living a very long and healthy lives, to see our grandchildren!

Natalie

Sheila · 11-19-2006, 05:52 AM

I am sure it must be harder on women with young children...the fear is overwhelming. As a nurse, I have seen a positive outlook on illness make a huge difference in healing....so although we have these fears, we must also have faith for the future....like Steph, some of us who were older when diagnosed, have the same fears....although my children are raised, 31 year old twin girls and a 29 yr old son, and 5 grandchildren and 1 on the way....I have many reasons to look to the future, take each day as it comes and live life to the fullest....I don't want regrets, this dreaded disease may have invaded my body, but I refuse to let it take my spirit too!

VirginiaGirl · 11-19-2006, 06:12 AM

I had convinced myself that I was DONE with cancer after finishing treatment the first time, and less than a year later I am diagnosed w/ mets. It just wasn't supposed to happen. I, too, chant in my head "10 more years" until my daughter is 18, at least. At times I'm convinced my positive attitude will make it happen, other times I'm afraid I'm deceiving myself again and not being realistic. But we have to be positive and brave around our children. I know my daughter is scared, too, and given her young age, I don't want to freak her out more than she already is! I, too, feel that the fear about what any physical pains mean is worse than the pain itself (so far anyway), and that now is as good as it's going to get coz it's all down hill from here, and just that much closer to disability and/or death. Ultimately, I don't like to think that way, and just push it out of my mind and try to focus on how lucky I am, on all the blessings in my life, and really there are so very many!

Peace

CLTann · 11-19-2006, 10:59 AM

I have long concluded that it is the natural human instinct to survive and strive for a long life. In fact, this is the universal principle for all living matters, even including the naughty cancer cells. I am near retiring age and look for enjoyable life with my husband. We have children and grandchildren. Still, we do not give up any opportunity to be happy. The BC is a much milder form of cancer than other types. We all have hope to live a long life. The mental fear is very natural for all of us since our enemy is like those terrorists. We don't know when and where they will strike. Stay alert, vigilant and keep up with the new knowledge. With a little bit of luck, we shall conquor the unknown and live a meaningful life.

lexigirl · 11-19-2006, 11:38 AM

Hi Sherri,

Sending you a huge hug. I definitely know how you are feeling. My one year passed and I felt anxious. I'm dealing with some sort of pain in my upper back that has me worried. My husband is telling me to get it checked out and doesn't understand why I'm not racing to the phone to have an appt for a scan made. Denial is sometimes easier to deal. I have two kids, ages 14 and 10. I told myself if I could just make it to when my daughter grads. from HS. Of course if I do make it I will want more! ANd there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking our heavenly Father for more. He expects us to! Don't feel selfish. I did at first, but I know that God wants me to have the desires of my heart, too! I believe that you are going to be here for many years to come.

Hugs and Prayers,
Lexi

Jeanette · 11-19-2006, 11:51 AM

I have just finished my Herceptin and now only on Arimidex, I also worry at times. i have six children and fifteen Grands and I want to be able to dance at there weddings. I will not give up, though there are time when i think we have all felt that way. with the good Lords help we will survive to live a long life. bless all of you, Jeanette