~It's Believe51 And I Am Sending Love And Thanks

[Believe51]

Just wanted to tell you that I miss the board and having you in my daily life. You are still there though, as I go through my day gentle thoughts of you embrace me. Even during this brief absence I can feel your love and energy.

I am staying centered and focused moving on during this part of the journey. I laugh and carry on through these days like this is not happening. I used to be unsure why and maybe still unsure, but I do not want to miss a thing. I have been hanging out at Facebook trying to move on alone, catching up on the life that I have missed for the last 3 years.

Ed is failing slowly as I watch so very helpless. The remote is no longer a source of freedom it is that of pure frustration. He no longer can use it. The pain is still unbearable and that is with 320mg of Oxicontin, highest dose of Percocet, highest dose of Fentynal, highest dose of Tramadol. I am told that no meds can help at this point and I do believe it. I do not want to see him unconcious either. He mumbles badly and must reach for the words and thoughts that would before come so naturally. He is almost completely deaf so communication, unfortunately, is very slim and difficult. He does talk crazy sometimes but this may be meds may be mets.

It is taking me more energy to stay focused than not but I cannot fall in a funk. I am very sad but really know I am going to be alright afterwards. My friends have proved during this time that they shall carry me through. I have always known this but could not make sense that I would be okay. I am confident.

I have been getting ready to get back to work but Rose will not hire until after Ed's death. She wants me to take care of him and calls to check up and to reassure me I have my own desk and unlimited budget....Flori, let's do some shopping therapy together...lol.

I will not be gone long, I cannot stay focused here right now. I shall return and let you know of the wonderous things I am doing with my life. I will give you the lowdown of the foundation. Of course I will be in charge of breast cancer.

And we have decided that we are not mentioning cancer in the obit...it WILL NOT get the last frapping word!!!!!!!!! What cancer does not understand is that even with the death of my husband I will fight it until the death of myself. I had reservations if I could do this after losing him but that too is a must.

I love you all and know that you understand that in order to function, I need this vacation. Double-edged sword. I miss you and my home. And the best thing about home is the door is always open.

Thanks for loving us this deeply, for this journey would have been a bust.>>Marie