I am in need of encouragement

[Tracy]

I am in need of encouragement, I am so down and depressed. I cry all the time, I am in full blown chemopause and feel like there is no end in sight. I am terrified of being her2+...I don't know why it scares me so much. Does it ever get easier? I am on A/C #3, been 5 days. I have been crying for 2 days now. Everything makes the tears come. I just keep seeing that her2+ has a worse prognosis. I am 36 with 2 children and am not going to leave them. I refuse to ever give up this fight. I am just so scared sometimes.

I used to feel so strong in the beginning of this journey, I know I am still in the beginning....I have 1 A/C, then 12 weekly Taxol, then Herceptin for a year, plus rads, I have a long road yet ahead of me. I know I can do it, I just feel like I am falling apart sometimes.

[Sheila]

Tracy

We all get down from time to time....it is normal, we are scared, mad, sad...everything all at once....all due to our gift of breast cancer. Call a friend, come to this board, talk to someone...there are plenty of women on this board who are "beating the Her2 element" every single day. Things are changing every day in medicine, the future looks bright. Keep a positive attitude, remember we are all here with you, and praying for each other, and feel the love and warmth from all of us. Sending you a big hug that tomorrow will be brighter.

[kristen]

Tracy,

This is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. What you are experiencing is very normal. A lot of us went on something to help even us out chemically. It's nothing to be embarrased about. If you need some extra help, I am sure your doctor would prescribe you something. If your not inclined to take anything, that is ok also. Just don't let it get to the point of where you time spent with your children is being effected.

Also check the dates of what you are reading. When I was dx 2 years ago, everything you read said it had a worse prognosis. Know in your heart that right now you are on the best chemo combo there is to fight this the first time out of the gate. Hang tough and be strong and come back for help, encouragement, info and anything else we may provide for you. You can do this.....

[RobinP]

I went through something like this too Tracy a little over a year ago after I found out I was her2+. I know the burden of breast cancer and having several young small children, it's really hard. In fact, I was hospitalized for severe depression. I think when you can see these early warning signs that you are seeing, you need professional counseling and not just a support board.I can't help to think that if I had just gotten outpatient help earlier, I wouldn't have required the hospitalization and all the embarrassment associated with it. Hope you get the help you need, hang in there.

[Becky]

Dear Tracy


I know how you feel and how when you read about Her 2 positive breast cancer you always read that it has a worse prognosis. It scares me sometimes even though I am now 18 months out. You are lucky because you will be getting the Herceptin with your Taxol treatments. I finished my taxol last January and I was lucky to be able to start Herceptin in June (because I was less than 6 months from my last chemo and the ASCO conference made a recommendation to start people like me on the Herceptin) so I will be done in June.

I do get down now and then but I convinced myself that I do not know what will happen to me breast cancer wise or other wise. So, until its my time, I will LIVE. Sometimes people ask me why I can be so positive and I honestly say that I don't want anyone to ever think that my living ended because I got breast cancer and I don't ever want people thinking of me of being a grumpy old lady ever since I got breast cancer (especially 30 years from now while I am still here).

Being in treatment is a hard time because fatigue can be an issue and staying well fed (nutritient wise) can also be difficult.

First, try to eat well - if you feel sick (even with the anti nausea drugs) eat small nutritious snacks all day long - peanut butter on whole wheat crackers, yogurt, cut up fruits and veggies, bananas, cottage cheese, tea.

Try to rest and if you can't sleep all night long, get a sleeping pill from your doctor.

Take a walk everyday (bring the children with you). It doesn't have to be a marathon but being a bit active and outside in the fresh air helps.

Take help from friends who offer. Let them bring a meal or clean your house. It's hard to accept their help but people really do want to help (and you can always pay this back by helping someone else who is having surgery or something in the future). Lastly, if you have more energy than I think, you can help someone else or an organization. Maybe put together food packages at a food pantry or at a church etc. (When I just finished my 4th AC my neighbor was in a car accident and laid up for a long time and I cooked for them as she was in a wheelchair for over 6 months).

Lastly, you might try or have tried lots of things to not be sad and if so, get something from your onco. There are lots and lots of good antidepressant drugs out there (and if after a month, the first one isn't working get a drug change).

I wish I could be there with you and give you a hug. It is hard, we here on this site all know. But I know you can do it and you will do it. You have every chance in the world to be fine and you will be.

Talk to me or this board anytime. This is why we are here.

Love, Becky

[fourboysmom]

Dear Tracy,
Somedays it feels like it will never end...I know, I am walking the walk with you. Did 8 rounds chemo (last 4 were A/C) Going to begin rads next week. Being Her+ does take an emotional toll. All of a sudden we face our own mortality, and its not fun. I'm 39 with 4 kids.
Lately, I've been on my own downhill roller coaster...but lets listen to these other women who have made it through and are surviving!! Tracy, we just have to, there is no other option. Right now you are in the hardest part, the abyss of chemo. Hang in there. They said it to me, now I say it to you!! Feel free to email me anytime if you want to talk.
Love, Janet (hairless in Connecticut!)

[Patty H]

Tracy,
When I went through my first treatments of taxotere and adrmyican I cried like that. After the first treatment I had gotten sick and so I figured that was what the crying was about. On the second treatment I started this crying thing again. I felt like I was in a black hole and no way out. Then the week before time for the next treatment I popped out of it in the middle of the night and I thought wow the depression is all over. Then after the 3rd treament I realized there was a pattern. That the chemo was causing the depression and as soon as it was out of my system I would just pop out of it. I thought I only had one more treatment and I could handle it. So I did the forth only to find out I would need 2 mores. It took me that long to bring it up to my Dr. He was quite upset that I had been going through this and hadn't mentioned it to him, because they can give you something and there is no need to suffer through it. I had never felt so hopeless in my life and I spent most of the day and night crying. I also learned that the longer I let it go on, the faster it affected me. At first it was a day or two after treatment, before I finally got help, I was crying by the time we left the treatment center. No other treatments have ever affected me like that and I have learned if I have any discomfort on anything to talk to my Dr. right away. This was all new to me, I had never been one to talk to Drs. or hardly ever even go to one. I hope you talk to your Dr. A lot of us have had this problem. Let us know how tghings go. Patty H

[Nicola]

Dear Tracy,

Hang in there Hon, there are going to be difficult days but in-between those difficult days are going to be good days. Sometimes we have to stop and count our blessings and realize there is so much that we have to be thankful for. I know at times it can become overwhelming and seem like it is too much to bear but always keep in mind there are people winning the fight against breast cancer everyday. There are so many women on this site and many others that are so inspirational, they have been living with and managing this disease for years. I have read so many posts from women that are now disease free that fought long and hard to get there but are now there. I have faith that we can all get there too. There are so many more treatment options, new medications springing up everyday, terrific, scientists, doctors and nurses all working on finding a cure, we are lucky to be born in the age of technology where we can work along side modern medicine and tailor our own treatment plans to suit our individual needs. I believe that it will only continue to get better and better for women fighting this disease and that we are all clearing the path for other women as the women that came before us did. We are all trail blazers and warriors in our own rite, and we can win this fight, if we never let go of our hold on courage and might. Stay strong honey and know that you are not alone, remember courage doesn't always come in with a great roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow.

Big hugs & lots of love,
Nicola

[Joy]

Hey Sweetie, A/C is really tough and it can take a tough outlook and trash it quite quickly. I have worked with dozens and dozens of breast cancer patients and have been there myself. It is almost universal (in my experience) that the third A/C is where resolve begins to dissapate. There is something so negatively compounding about actually feeling so sick after a cancer diagnosis before which most of us felt fine. It can scare you to the core. One of the funniest conversations I had with my specialist was when he asked me if I had felt symptomatic prior to my re-diagnosis (I was doing Taxotere/Xeloda at the time) and I said, "Not until you people got a hold of me," and he replied, "Oh, we can take an asymptomatic person and make them symptomatic in a snap!".

It all passes and your resiliency will be proven. Let the tears and the sobs wash away and purge the fears. Use some complementary therapies to strengthen your body (acupuncture, massage, healing touch, etc.) while the drugs are tearing apart the cancer and you. It makes a big difference.

Thinking of you!

[Joan]

Dear Tracy,
I just read your post and the replies you received and all of the good advice that has been sent your way. My heart goes out to you. Yes, it is a long and hard road, especially with two small children to care for, but that is why you are fighting and why you will get through your treatments.

Take some of the good advice and don't let yourself fall into a depression as that can be a very difficult thing to climb out of. Talk to you doctor and share how you are feeling. It is good that you were able to express your feelings on this board and that is good practice for talking to your doctor.

January can be a miserable month for many and lots of ordinary people are feeling the blues and they don't have anything like the burden you are going through. You are going through a very difficult time and those close to you can't even imagine how it feels.

Just know that you will get through the chemo, and that rads are not half as bad as chemo, and Herceptin alone is a walk in the park compared to chemo, so there are better days ahead for you.
Best wishes to you and your family, stay strong - you can and you will get through it.

Cheers!

Joan

[StephN]

Dear Tracy -
Life is often NOT fair and throws us all sorts of curve balls. Cancer being one of the hardest to bat back.

You have been advised by otheres here to try some sort of mood elevator prescription. That has helped many who temporarily needed something to help their emotions even out.

I like to use herbal teas and find that they are helpful. There are blends with valerian that are good for helping to fall asleep. Chamomile is also a soothing tea. Also helps with the delicate stomach if you have that problem. I found that the health food stores give good advice when you tell them your problem.

The hormone imbalance is really hard for you premenopausal gals. There are some things you can take for that, but I did not need them (being postmen at diagnosis) so can't recall all the names. Someone here should know more about that.

Your onc's nurse case manager should also be a good person to talk to as she has heard it ALL by now! They are usually very helpful and will talk to the doc for you even though you don't have an appt scheduled.

So, don't keep it all to yourself - let your treatment team know how you feel, and remember - Spring WILL come!

[lu ann]

Dear Tracy,

I have been in that black hole you are in and I know it can be unbearable. I cried all the time. It just consumed me. I prayed. I asked others to pray for, and with me. God listened to my cry and healed me of this burdon. It didn't happen over night, and there are still times when I visit that dark place, but I don't stay there too long.

You are taking some of the most potent meds to eliminate the cancer. The side effects can be horrendous. Tell your doc what you have told us and get something to help you with the depression.

I know how hard it is to have small children and feel the sadness of the possibility of not watching them grow up. I was first dx. 14 1/2 years ago with children 7,4, and 8 months. They are now young women and teenagers.

I am battling mets now, but I had 12 and 1/2 years of remission. It goes to show you that not all her-2+ cancers are aggressive.

Just remember, you are alloud to cry. Tears are cleansing. Take the advice you want from others and leave all the rest. You don't owe anyone anything. Now is your time to take care of yourself. You have young children to take care of, but I'm sure there are others who are willing to help you.

Try to do the things that used to give you pleasure. I love to laugh and I have been doing alot of that lately. I went to a party New Years Eve and had the time of my life. My husband and I didn't get home till 4:00am and I slept till noon. My friends sent me e-mails and called to let me know how much fun they had with me. I know they had to be thinking, "How can she be so happy and terminally ill"? Which I would say back "We are all terminal, noone is getting out alive, so live while you can, and be happy!"

Take care, my friend, and call on us for support. Someone is always here to help another in need.

Blessings to You and Yours in the New Year.
Lu Ann.

P.S. It was easier for me when the children were young. Now that they are teenagers they are in their own world and think that everything should revolve around them. It is hard to deal with but it is a normal part of their developement and we can't take it personal. But I do find it very hard not to at times.

[Tracy]

I want to say thank you to all of you wonderful women who helped me through this day....it took me some time to read through this, but each post I read gave me more and more strength to face what I have to. I am on Wellbutrin right now and my onc said he will up the dose if the need be, I think I will call him on Monday morning. I can make it until then.

My children are not very small.....my daughter is 17 and my son is 11. I need to be
strong for them and show them how to live....

Thank you again so much, I will save this post and read it each time I am feeling down, I pray for all of you, all of us....we will get through all we are handed...

My exact dx is IDC, grade 3, stage 2b, node+, er/pr- and her2+....

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

Tracy is the fact that I am celebrating my tenth year of survivorship this month, so there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I too thought, when I began this journey, that my life was over and I had to many things to get done yet.
Well here I am 10 years later and I intend to go on for many more.

You try to stay positive honey and I know that is very hard to do sometimes (and do not feel like a failure if you have pity day's) I still have many. Just know there is hope and never give up. Give your chemo some time to start working and you will see. You have many prayers coming your way.

Take care -

[cdbrown428]

Hang in there. I know it seems like this will last forever. I have had the same treatment you are just starting. My journey began 1 year ago. I am now at the final stage and just 6 more months of herceptin to go. But you know, it went by faster than I thought. This round of A/C is the worst. Taxol and herceptin was much eaiser. Just one more to go and you will get through it. Is there a support group you can join?? You may find that very helpful. You are NOT alone. There is light at the end of this tunnel, I promise. I'm proof. I will put you in my prayers and wish you luck.

CB