It has been a good week, until today

linn65 · 07-12-2013, 11:45 PM

I couldn't focus today, my body aches, tingly hands and to top it off my emotions went from 0 to 10 I think. I had my herceptin on Tuesday and it seems it builds up in my mind, body and spirit. Then I have a couple hour cry, and I am drained. I work on doing proactive things ; cleaned house, visited a friend, and went to nursing home to see my dad recovering from open heart. Also, my son is home from college 7 hours away and he stopped in my office for 10 minutes and he was off.. But he told me ex husband and his new livin GF bought all new appliances, making our old two car garage there bedroom, putting on a new deck and life is good/great couldn't get any better. Then I had emotion over that. 20 year marriage and divorced for 5. In this last year of me going thru treatment he has been the happiest in his life. I have had so much reflection this year. Knowing our son will never have a family unit, our grandchildren will have to go too different grandparents. Then the feeling of loneliness with cancer in my own head. I have more self doubt and question everything i do and I have done. Geez , is herceptin bring on full blown PMS. I have to do better and this isn't working for me.

Jackie07 · 07-13-2013, 12:35 AM

Lynn,

I feel for you.

It's unavoidable to experience the pain again when you are confronted with the reality. He's having a good time/life and you are not. He's busy building new stuff and you are still trying to heal - both physically and psychologically.

Your reflection and resolve will carry you through. I read your post in awe! What an amazing woman!

Sending you good vibes from the wild, wild West...

linn65 · 07-13-2013, 12:56 AM

Really? That made me cry because you don't think I am crazy for having these feelings. Why does it hurt me so much? Because I can see a future for them, and mine is messy and it could be messy again, and I can't dream in my head of a future for me. So I am feeling sorry for myself, and I need to toughen up. Does herceptin cause more emotion the week or?

Jackie07 · 07-13-2013, 02:24 AM

When I was undergoing chemo treatment (Taxatere, Carboplatin, Herceptin), it took me 4 days to recover after the infusion. I had infusion on Thursday afternoon around 4:30 pm. I went to work fine on Friday. Then I collapsed on Saturday and slept whole day Sunday. Then miraculously I was good to go back to work on Monday morning!il (though still tired easily)

It's natural for us to have self-doubt during treatment. Our body is busy fighting the disease, it's hard for us to spare our energy on anything else. And yes, we get much more sensitive than usual during this time period. Having tears is actually not a bad thing. Sometimes a good counselor can help us sort out things. It won't hurt to talk to a professional if you are still feeling like a mess.

I was introduced to a term called 'unresolved complex' - I was crying like a baby when a job counselor casually asked me: "How did you lose your job?" The job loss had happened more than 2 years prior and I'd already been working full-time - though not in the professional field I'd been trained for. The job counselor told me that I had unresolved complex and insisted that I see a psychiatrist! "So now I'm crazy?" I sobbed even more!

But I knew I needed help, so I got a referral from my family doctor (couldn't help crying while making the phone call) On the appointment day, the staff in the department seemed to have conspired together: everyone I met would ask me the same question: "So how did you lose your job?"

After I'd shed tears and told the story for the 4th (?) time, the question suddenly ceased to bother me ...

Cat · 07-13-2013, 04:55 AM

You are VERY normal. Our lives have been put on hold in many ways while we watch the changes that happen with others. I agree you should call your Dr. I saw a psychologist for awhile and it helped to talk about those things no one wants to hear. She also suggested wellbutrin and I'm sure it helps without removing my emotions. Good luck

karen z · 07-13-2013, 08:36 AM

Hi. I got divorced the morning of May 10th, 2005 (after a 23 year old marriage) and found out later that afternoon (through a mammogram/sonogram/frank radiologist) that I had breast cancer (my internist had found the lump). I had no time to even think about my divorce or understand that it had really happened as I was immediately thrown into "cancer land". About one year later (after the more difficult part of my treatment was over....still doing Herceptin) I found myself crying almost non-stop. I saw my internist (who was quite knowledgeable about anti-depressants) and, for the first time in my life, I started to take one. That and "talk therapy" (during those times I have gone) have helped a lot. I still am not really "over" my divorce. It is not that I think we made each happy (really the opposite) but I am still emotionally attached and he is my daughter's dad (and he is a great dad). My ex-husband and I remain friends but I do not think I will every totally get over that specific loss .......as I will never get over the death of my dad when I was eight or the death of my mom. What I am trying to say (while rambling) is that I think your feelings are very normal (I do think the less specific details you get of your ex-husband's adventures the better- not saying a moratorium on information but the specifics might lead you to think more about them more or imagine more) and that you might try talk therapy (shop around for a good therapist) as well as something for depression. Remember that you do not have to take an anti-depressant forever and remember to check everything with your oncology team. That just reminded me. My hospital has a cancer wellness program that is available to anyone who is a current or former cancer patient (at my hospital or others). Do you have such a center near you? Often, such centers include a lot of activities with others going through (or having gone through) the same thing as you and are free. Ours has free consults with a nutritionist, a counselor support groups and on and on (yoga, drumming, mindfulness training). See if you can find something like that and go. Good luck and keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

CarolineC · 07-13-2013, 10:32 AM

Hi,

For one thing, you are trying to deal with the physical side effects of having Herceptin and Tamoxifen and I want to reassure you that I went through the same emotions as you. The week I would have my Herceptin for early stage treatment and I was on Tamoxifen I would notice more, let's say, emotion. Now, during my ongoing treatment, I am on Letrozole and I still notice more susceptibility to being emotional and my immune system (ie allergies) will be more sensitive as well the week of my Herceptin treatment.

Your hormones are being hit as the Tamoxifen lowers your estrogen levels. That is a physical effect as well as an emotional one.

I see in this last week that the only thing you did for you was visit a friend. Seeing your dad in the hospital after what he has gone through is stressful. You love him and you hurt for him. Work is stressful, cleaning the house might clear your mind, but it's still work. Then you hear about your ex's supposed great life. You will have a great life as well, and you are doing everything you should to ensure that happens-look how far you've come!

Everyday I am so envious of the people who live in the land of the living carefree, including the ones who have had their cancer treatment and are looking at everything in the rearview mirror and I think, after four years of dealing with this illness, some people's support has expired. They're tired. I'M tired.

I am part of an in-person support group that helps me and I am proud to be a part of this one-you guys get it.

I hope each day gets brighter for you and that you focus on doing WAY more positive to balance out the negative. You are not alone.

linn65 · 07-13-2013, 11:51 AM

I typed a long reply and all of a sudden I was logged out and it disappeared. And it's too much to type over, 😔

Recap of what I wrote: I miss family; eating to loud, being to loud, or going in the other room so I can watch my own program. All my family have family, and I wake up to a quiet house. I have always been busy and cancer stuff has me slowed down. Then when I am feeling really good I push and want to go hard because I don't know I will feel the next day.

Now, two treatments left....you might as well say I am done with treatment and I am NED and really most Checked out after TcH. I get it everyone has family and lives. I came to this board because its a safe place for me. It's okay to be whatever I want to be, and it seems everyone understands. I tell people the feelings I had they don't know what to say. Or you are being negative and you need to think positive and you have more important things to worry about you have cancer. Or tell me all your complaints but then say but you have cancer I shouldn't complain. Then I have to go into reassure mode when visiting. Idk maybe it's just life.

Tamox does something to your estrogen but what does that do? And herceptin does something to your hormones but what does that do?