wanting opinions - Page 2

mekasan · 09-03-2006, 09:53 PM

I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard. If you want to talk about it, you know you can call me anytime.
Shannon

margaret · 09-04-2006, 10:51 AM

Thanks for your post, Michele. It takes courage to speak from the heart of what's really happening in our lives. My breast cancer was a HUGE wakeup call for me. I saw clearly how unavailable my husband really was. I saw how miserable I really was in my marriage. I saw how I just kept trying to keep it together 'for the kids' sake or because I was too afraid to make such a big change.
As soon as I was strong enough after my last chemo treatment I left my husband. That was three years ago, and I am so grateful I got out when I did. The BIG lesson for me was that life's too short-----no matter how long you have! Live fully and richly and surround yourself with supportive loving people. I don't have time anymore for negative and draining people. Just say NO to people that don't support you. Everyone's born with beauty and light and should be surrounded by love not negative draining energy. I now have a supportive loving boyfriend and I'm happier and healthier than I've been in years. My children are also healthier and happier. Say YES to life and live it to the fullest with love and joy! Remember, this is it. It's the one life were given in this body. It's not a dress rehearsal. Have fun. Find your joy!
Margaret

karenann · 09-04-2006, 12:11 PM

Dear Michele,

Love and warm hugs being sent your way... so very sorry you were feeling sad. Thank you for trusting all of us with your feelings. I hope you are feeling better now.

I must also comment on the wonderful replys to Michele's post. What a lovely group of women/men we have on this board.

Karen

AlaskaAngel · 09-04-2006, 12:41 PM

Hi Michele.

There is nothing like hitting middle age and having to deal with serious illness and the issues of life mate... all at the same time.

I'm glad there is this place to talk. I still think that the problems my mate and I went through at one time was the most painful, worst emotional time I've ever gone through, and I've been through being laid off from a long-term job, a house fire, and cancer diagnosis and treatment. I don't have any real words of wisdom except to say that you do have a lot to deal with. so give yourself lots of space and credit for trying as hard as you are to work through it.

Much love,

AlaskaAngel

juanita · 09-09-2006, 04:00 PM

Happy belated anniversary! I can't add anything new that these ladies haven't. i just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers go out to you!

dberg · 09-09-2006, 08:07 PM

Michele,
I have two teenage boys. Although my husband and I drink, we have NEVER promoted drugs/alchohol in our household. My husband and I both run marathons and our boys were both in cross country in high school, yet they still experimented with pot in OUR HOUSE. They are a different breed. I also have a husband who doesn't "get it" either. I am 2 years post diagnosis, and feel very vulnerable right now. I feel for you and hope I can help. Please email me.
Diane

Becky · 09-10-2006, 09:20 AM

Dear Michele

I wanted to respond earlier, when I first read your message but I didn't know what to say. I will say that I feel that sometimes men don't know what to do when they can't fix something. My husband fixed every broken thing in our house when I was diagnosed and he put chair railing up and molding around all the breezeways. He bought me a 100 gallon fish tank (because I always wanted one) and investigated it thoroughly to buy one that looked like a piece of furniture. He painted our bedroom and bought a new comforter and curtains (that I don't like but I didn't say anything because it was such a nice gesture on his part) because he thought I would be very sick on chemo. But... he never SAID anything. He worked physically so hard so he didn't have to think or say. He cried once when I told him my pathology was "bad" and that HER2+ was bad but he kept going (and lost weight) so he didn't have to think.

Then, I hit a fork in the road. I had hired a "bad" doctor. I knew this from the beginning - when you do research and really understand your disease and know more than your doctor but your doctor doesn't listen to or respect you - you know its time for a change. And this changed my husband. I think then, when discussing this doctor's inadequacies, my husband really realized that I just might end up okay because I knew what I was doing (this all happened right when I became eligible to begin Herceptin). Then, he went to the doctor with me and Herceptin treatments and interviewed new doctors.

We are almost married 22 years and have had our moments. I think that this is a moment for you. Maybe you need to hit on what you both need from each other.

Our children suffered more than I thought from the cancer too. My middle daughter, who loved me to no end, hates me. I know she really doesn't but I think, for her, subconsciously, it is easier to hate a dead mother than to love a dead mother. I understand this. It is hard on her. She is a senior in high school but really doesn't want to move onto college I think because she thinks she will never see me again. And I am doing well - like you! I guess more time has to pass so I can prove her wrong. I know she goes out with her friends and partys so I ensure they all come to my house instead. I buy all the junk they like to eat so they come here (RB will hate me for buying all those chips and soda for them).

I always hate to say this(that we have to be the ones to change or offer the olive branch first) but.... what does your husband like to do? Can you do that with him - go somewhere he wants. Sometimes that opens up some sort of communication and kinship. Sometimes we have to be the ones to try first. I think its always worth trying to fix a 20 yr old marriage before hanging it up (but then, I don't know if you have been trying for 20 yrs and are now at a major crossroad - if that is the case, then its different). I will also offer the "Dear Abby" response of counseling (but MY HUSBAND would never go if I ever suggested it but I am suggesting it anyway).

Please try to be happy Michele. I have the utmost respect for you and all you have done and accomplished as a cancer patient and advocate (for yourself and others) and I want the beautiful smile on your face to be real and true all the time.

Big hug to you

Love, Becky

michele u · 09-10-2006, 07:29 PM

Wow Becky, you hit so much on the head. Especially about the kids hating you so they don't have to love and miss you. All us young mothers really understand eachother don't we?
Well, me and by husband had a breakthrough. He told me he wasn't bitter toward me for trying to push the family away so they wouldn't miss me. He admitted he is bitter and needs counseling. he needs more compasion also. He also admitted that. We are getting along alot better this week. counseling is going to be good for all.
Oh, and by the way. I FINALLY got a awesome horse. She is a paint mare 9 years old. She is sooo sweet. She's alittle skinny because the people did not take good care of her, but i will fatten her up. My kids rode double on her. They love her already. She is brown and white and has one blue and one brown eye. Her name is Rain.

tousled1 · 09-11-2006, 12:13 AM

Michele,

Glad to hear that things are getting better between your and your husband. Counseling is a good thing - just make sure you continue it. Have you considered taking your children as well.

sarah · 09-11-2006, 08:06 AM

Michelle,
Sounds like a major breakthrough. We all get scared and everyone acts weirdly and different. So glad to hear that things are working out with your husband or at least he sees that there is a need to find a way to help each other understand the fear and need of each other. All my best wishes for you both to find a way to love and comfort each other and your children.
hugs and love
sarah