Need some inspiration

Westcoastgirl · 06-22-2009, 10:27 AM

Hello everyone,
It has been some time since I last posted. I have visited from time to time but have been staying away, trying not to think about breast cancer. What a silly ninny, hey! How can one so immersed in bc treatment not think about it. I have two more chemo treatments to be finished chemo but was surprised to hear I had radiation to look forward to after chemo. I have to admit it does feel like I will be on this road forever. I have been able to remain in good spirits but am finding it is harder and harder with each passing day. I read here about women changing their lives, trying hard to beat this cancer but here I am feeling like I cannot move forward, legs as heavy as cement, my mind vacant. I suppose it is normal for our moods to go up and down but golly this is tough to manage. My husband seems to find it harder than me and has suffered much with anxiety. I on the other hand have been a brick throughout, now suddenly close to the end of chemo I am finding the facade is cracking and I am not a brick any longer. I would like to hear that I am feeling normal emotions and that the lows are a place to rebound from. Thanks, Carolyn

chrisy · 06-22-2009, 11:02 AM

Hi Carolyn,

Let me be the first (of many, I'm sure) to reassure you that what you are experiencing is COMPLETELY normal, and that you WILL rebound from it. One day you will wake up, go through an entire day and as you're going to sleep, you will realize that you forgot to think about cancer all day! Or maybe you won't even realize it for several days.

Having said that, you should know that it may take some time. When you first face this diagnosis you go full force into fighting it. It's a long road as you are finding out, and it feels like a long slog.

You have been very strong - and while you are actively girding up for the fight, there is a tendency to put the emotions on the back burner. At some time they have to come out (probably after you're all done with treatment and when you least expect it); it's like a post traumatic stress reaction. So when you feel like the facade is cracking, that is EXACTLY what's happening. But it's not a bad thing, you can't keep it bottled up forever.

All of that is normal too.

My advice is to be gentle with yourself, listen to what you're feeling and know that you will move past this. Treatment takes a physical toll (as you well know) and that makes it harder to cope, or at least that was the case for me.

Hang in there sweetie,

Chris

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-22-2009, 11:44 AM

Dear Carolyn,

I saw your call for inspiration and you pushed my buttons. I would urge you to please read my thread CAUTIOUS REMISSION along LIFE-CHANGING BOOKS TO READ thread and of course my signature which tells my story.

Of course Life is a roller coaster ride and once you add bc, it's like uber ups and downs. My day, all this time later, is filled w/me trying to become One With The Universe, to acknowledge my stunningly scared to death feelings and their horrid what if scenarios that beg to play out in my head all day.

There can be none of that. It will only drag me down, I know. Olympic gold medalists do not linger in such negativity. The VICTORS in Life are the ones who reprogram their mental chatter and find mantra-like phrases to bounce around their heads, into their life force and course through their bodies all day, instead. Not an easy task, I am well aware, but so worth the effort. And, it does get easier w/practice, like all things.

Stay STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. One step at a time. One at a time. And, when necessary, one hour at a time.

Be gentle with yourself. Pamper yourself. You've been through so much. And done it with grace. Good for you. Naturally, you have your moments. You are human. You're a radiant Soul, but you are presently quite human as well.

Also, my husband was a pretty huge mess though strong for me when I needed him to be. He needed to feel he could help, which of course he couldn't bc wise. So he drove me to every appointment, assimilated all information and acted as my personal tape recorder, repeating and explaining what I/we'd just heard. My brain would seize up at certain points and hear nothing after that. He marketed for me, he went to the dry cleaner, the drug store, did the laundry. These tasks delighted him as it was a way for him to participate. He dealt with the insurance company -- all this allowing me to focus on me and on HEALING!

So, Carolyn, I suggest you learn to live AS IF. (I describe this wonderful new way of being for myself someplace within the threads I mentioned above.)

With love,
Andi

Mary Anne in TX · 06-22-2009, 12:13 PM

Hi Carolyn! Yes, of course, you are so normal!!!! I smiled to myself as I read your words, remembering thinking those things myself. I made it through 3 years, being strong (I call it the wonderful place of denial) and then 3 months after ending herceptin, I became a nervous wreck. It was the pits, but I'm on the other side and only visit there on rare occasions now. I got anxiety meds (not taken yet) and know they are there if that goof world comes back.
You are so normal! This battle takes courage, information, and focus. Eventually it wears us out and we need a break....I agree that finding some ways to pamper and nurture yourself would be really good. Living in a world that few understand and even fewer want to know about, isolates us and takes us on a different path than most of the people who were our constant companions and friends.
You will get through this time, including the radiation (which will also kick bc butt) and you will have those days of not thinking about BC. Just remember that Joe and Christine have created this site just for us to come to for guidance and support! Some days I lived on the site just to find some sanity. Now, I come because I want to know how everyone is. I also am very aware that the day may come when I have to get back into the battle mode and be a fighter again.
We're here for you, just as someday you will be there for others. Best wishes for the rest of today being far more peaceful. ma

Mary Jo · 06-22-2009, 12:29 PM

Hi Carolyn....Yep, normal, normal you are.

I am approaching my 4 year cancerversary and just said to my husband the other day ..... "wow, 4 years already.......remember when it was all so scary and all I did was fret EVERYDAY." Haha....YEP....he remembered.

The first year was tough but while actively going through treatment it was a bit easier. I guess just knowing I was DOING something helped me a bit. Year one to two was HELL...and I mean that in every sense of the word. Dreaded recurrence was ALL I could think about. I swear to you (and my husband would back me up on this 'cause he was the poor fellow who had to hear of my new recurrence each day) everyday I had a new cancer....that ache/pain/cough etc. was cancer....I WAS SURE OF IT!

Anyway Carolyn, YES, what you are experiencing is very normal....expected really. You really wouldn't be normal if you didn't go through this phase of your journey. BUT, pick up on what I said there.....it's a PHASE......and I PROMISE you...this too shall pass. Stay close to God - pray - stay active and one day this "worry constantly" phase will be behind you.

As Chrissy said...."one day you will realize that you didn't think of cancer" this hour - or this 1/2 day - or this whole day or even a week.

Sending you a big encouraging hug. You're getting their sweetie.......treatment is important and you are doing well.........

Love and God's Peace I pray for you today.

Mary Jo

newgg · 06-22-2009, 01:12 PM

Yes indeed, just give your self time to just breath in and out. 5 years NED here and there are still ups and downs but getting on with it. Figure...as many have said...the more time my brain is off bc the more little battles I win. This site....more than any...has given so much to all of us as we fight. So win more little battles each day and before you know it...warrior friend...the war is won. An hour, a day, several days.....gosh....it is possible. This beast will NOT control us.....we guide this fight. Smile !! Live, Love, Laugh !! We have all learned to dance in the rain!
Hugs and prayers,
Bonnie

SusanV · 06-22-2009, 02:26 PM

Dear West Coast,

As everyone else has said, you are normal in your thinking. This journey has many twists, turns and bends, some of which are difficult to predict. I think your Dr. Suess Quote says alot about you though.... You are going to tough this out. (Time to put on your big hat !) I was just reading some "survival" stories today - Not BC survival stories exactly, but stories of why some survive plane crashes, lost at sea for days, buried in the snow etc....They all seem to have some common threads...They are optomistic and attempt to deal with the situation instead of dwelling in the gloom of it all, they have a strong sense of family and the strong desire to do what ever they can to see them again, and a strong sense of faith. While not an exact parallel to our BC situation, when you have your down moments hang on to your faith, hang on tight to your loved ones, and know in your heart you are tough with that big hat on and you will get through this !!

Sending Much Love and Comfort

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-22-2009, 03:40 PM

Just had to add, inspired by Susan's words -- those who survive (anything!) are the ways who KNEW they could do it. A voice deep inside them told them unequivocally that they would live! Plus, images of those they love most in the world and want to see and be with permeated their thinking, stirring them on.
KNOWING and LOVING are HUGE here -- in overcoming anything!

Being stubborn minded helps... I plead guilty to that... It works for me...

Westcoastgirl · 06-23-2009, 06:13 AM

I realize that we all have down days but it helps to be talked to by all of you. After reading your posts yesterday I felt better and got up this morning determined once again to find my optimism. I suppose it truly is human to have times of doubt and despair but it is also human to be optimistic and determined in the face of adversity. I thank you all for your well meaning thoughts and ideas. It was a wealth of information that I will walk with on this path. Sometimes the weight feels just a little too cumbersome for anyone person to carry but yesterday you lightened my load, thank you. Carolyn

alicem · 06-23-2009, 09:52 AM

Carolyn,

I'm so glad that you are feeling better today. How blessed we are to have a soft place like this to come to when we need consoling, not just answers to questions. Thank you so much Joe and Christine!!!

I also want to suggest you look for a post I made titled "Life is a Series of Problems", in case you did not see it yet. A friend e-mailed it to me, and I passed it on to everyone here. It talks about how each day in our life there are good things and there are problems. It is just that some days, one outweighs the other. Whenever I am having one of those bad days, I re-read this, and it helps me keep things in perspective.

Here is hoping that you have lots of great days, and continued support when you have a down day!!!

Alice

Andrea Barnett Budin · 06-23-2009, 12:23 PM

Dearest Carolyn,

I am hearing you louder and clearer I think.

All said is well and good, but...

In '98, when my bc recurred I momentarily lost my way. I asked for help from my onc immediately. He gave me Ativan (anti anxiety) which I still take nightly. It helps me sleep -- which is essential to healing and wellness and being able to move forward the next day.

I also take an anti-depressant (Zolft) which takes the edge off and allows me to be me.

My doc says, we should never suffer. Physically or psychologically. He believes in our learning to take care of ourselves. To recognize symptoms AS they occur, and to take meds right off, before the issue spins out of control and we are stuck in pain.

Forgive me for not adding this essential ingredient in the mix to achieving wellness, joy and serenity from the getgo. Everything we do counters in. Everything we think weighs heavily in the healing process.

I had never before (bc) realized that we need not be victimized by our thoughts. The visions we carry our mind's eye are grossly underrated. It's a cultural thing.

I just read HEALING IS THE ACT OF REMEMBERING OURSELVES BACK INTO WHOLENESS AFTER WE'VE BEEN DISMEMBERED.

Surely, I listen to the thoughts with which I seem to be obsessed with. I listen to the words that come out of my mouth. I make a conscious decision to linger on thoughts and images that bring me back to wholeness. To my True Self. To my Spirit. To my sacredness. Have your read Wayne Dyer's Your Sacred Self?

HEALING LIVES IN THE WORDS AND IMAGES WITH WHICH WE CHOOSE TO LIVE.

With love,

I used to be an anti-pill person. Never needed or wanted to take a pill. Well, chemotherapy and my canser experience altered my way of seeing that there are, thank goodness, many alternatives to integrate in our healing and wellness...

Andi

suzan w · 06-23-2009, 07:16 PM

Carolyn, nothing new to add that hasn't already been said! "Normal " changes with a breast cancer diagnosis for sure! My new "normal" has a lot more appreciation for the simple things in life. My new "normal" says not to waste a minute on feeling sorry for myself. My new "normal" loves everyone I love a whole lot more!!! Pat yourself on the back...you are "NORMAL"!!!

Jackie07 · 06-24-2009, 07:53 AM

Carolyn,

Glad you have felt better about the treatment now.

You should have seen me 'chewing' my doctors out when they mentioned 'Tamoxifen' after my radiation treatment.

The oncologist gave me the wrong impression at the beginning of my treatment with the statement 'because it is non-hormone sensitive, we can't use ...'. He did not make it clear (or I did not get it right) that he's talking about different portions of the cancer (% wise.)

Eventually I got it clarified (1 month delay after radiation?) and I started taking the 'pill' once a day. Thought I still have the recurrence because the surgeon did not get it all and was too confident to find the mistake sooner.

Yes, I know the 'never-ending' feeling. But it will be done. And you will be glad you 'did it!' Hang in there. All the sisters here are with you.

Terri B · 06-24-2009, 09:05 AM

Carolyn,

I was in your shoes not quite one year ago. I went through all the emotions you talk about. My biggest foe was the fatigue. I HATED it. especially during rads. I didn't think it would get me down, but it did. But guess what? Life is good! My "normal" is an about face from a year ago, but I'm loving life and I have energy again. If I could only get rid of these financial problems, life would be "perfect"!!

A year ago, i was a party girl. Loved karaoking, getting dolled up and going out to play pool and socialize. I still like to socialize, but i'm more home oriented now. I have a HUGE garden (NEVER gardened before) GO FIGURE!! must be that grandson that i have now!! oh, and another one on the way!!

Someone at work looked at my wedding picture behind my desk (16 years ago) and said "Is that YOU??? MAN, you were HOT!!" I winked and said,

"I'm still hot. Only really SPECIAL people can see it!"