Cancer is back...I just knew it. - Page 3

Chelee · 09-22-2009, 10:41 PM

I saw my onc today and she was throwing so much at me I couldn't take it all in. (She knew I was upset with her for denying me scans 6 months ago when I was complaining of pain.) Now she is pretending like she cares & wants to get going on everything right now! I'm not impressed. Now I have what seems like a million appts & so many things to do in such a short time. I am so overwhelmed that I feel stuck if that makes sense.

I've broke down & cried in front of her which I did not want to do...my emotions got the best of me.

She said I could get started this Monday on Herceptin & Zometa for my bones. She also said I could do TCH again...or Herceptin & Navelbine. (sp) She also started naming off Tykerb & other drugs...she didn't think I knew about them all. I've told her I live on the Her2 board...she doesn't listen.

I mentioned one tooth that is bothering me so I'm suppose to see a dentist asap and possible have a tooth extracted. (Which means how could I start Zometa if my tooth gets pulled?) They have an ECHO set up for me this Saturday and I had x-rays today of my hip & femur bone. I also demanded a brain MRI asap...so that's set up for this wk too. First Herceptin infusion will be Monday until I decided what chemo to take with it? (Any help in that area I would appreciate from my Her2 sisters.) I have labs to do and then a port accessment. I have no clue where or how they will place a port this time...it worries me. Herceptin infusion Monday will have to be done one time without a port. I hate the thought of no port...I have no veins left. Oh boy am I stressed out. I don't know how I'm going to get all this stuff done. So many appts in such a short amount of time. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted already and I haven't even started.

Chelee

Believe51 · 09-22-2009, 10:49 PM

Chelee, I am blown as far away with this news as you. I want you to know that you will be in my non-stop thoughts. I am sending love and hugs to you. Keep the chin as high up as you can and let us carry you the rest of the way. I am deeply saddened and that much more angry at this disease. Fight Chelee, we will walk besides you Lovey!!>>Believe51

nitewind · 09-23-2009, 06:40 AM

Dear Chelee, you sweet lady, you sound so overwhelmed. I was so sorry to read about your news and that you had to face this visit on your own. I know it doesn't help much but just remember we are all with you in spirit. Wish I was close to you, I would gladly be your partner in this new venture.
I know what you mean about not having a port, my veins are gone too. Don't worry, they'll find a place to put it and won't have to bother those poor veins.
We all love you very much and are with you. Please keep us updated.
Hugs to you
Susan

Sandra in GA · 09-23-2009, 07:34 AM

Dear Chelee,
Just wanted you to know that you are also in my prayers. The crazy quote below, in my signature, came from a get well card that I received last September when I was early in this battle. For some reason, whenever I was especiually low, this is the one I would dig out and reread. The message for me was, "If you are going through hell, you cannot stop and get stuck. You have to keep going to get out!" So, my prayer for you is that you dig deep, pull up that grit you have, and keep going until you are once again out of this situation.
Lots of Hugs,
Sandra

MJo · 09-23-2009, 07:56 AM

There's nothing I can add to the great information and encouragement you have gotten here, except that I am pulling for you, too. And I love the Winston Churchill quote. Keep going, Chelee!!

'lizbeth · 09-23-2009, 09:10 AM

Chelee,

This is just terrible news. I know that feeling of being overwhelmed. I was just crying on my husband's shoulder this morning about always being up in the air about my lawsuit, trying to get into a clinical trial, coordinating with work, finding more work, you name it.

When I think about what you are faced with suddenly all my problems seems very small. My biggest difficulty is asking for help when I need it.

We are all here for you. You just keep posting and surely we can help you divide and conquer.

Wishing you the best and a quick victory over your cancer.

Love,

'lizbeth

tricia keegan · 09-23-2009, 11:53 AM

Chelee,

I only just saw your thread and am so sorry you were right about the recurrance.
You came through this before and will do so again I know once the initial shock wears off and please know we are all here for you.
/(((hugs))))

janieR · 09-23-2009, 12:04 PM

Chelee,

Initial shock is awful , just so awful but as tricia says we are all in this together and here for each other.

Thinking of you

Love

Janie

Ruth · 09-23-2009, 12:32 PM

Dear Chelee,
How I hate to read this. You were absolutely right in your worries, they say we do know our own bodies and you had a bad feeling. I am so sorry honey. No excuse for hubby. He should have dropped EVERYTHING and went with you. Maybe shock and didn't know what to do hit him but he better do some serious thinking about his choices. I hope you can get your second opinion and get some options going. Everyone here will help you along the way.
Lots of hugs and love
Ruth

Sherryg683 · 09-23-2009, 12:41 PM

Chelee, Im so sorry this has happened and you have to go back into this hell called treatment. And yes, your husband was a jerk..as most men can be. When I got my diagnosis, the same night, my husband sat by the TV and cheered and whooped on at a football game. He said he was trying to get his mind off it. Your husband is probably very upset and is trying to distant himself until he collects his thoughts.....or he's just being a selfish jerk. Men react to fear so much differently than women. When we seem someone sick or hurting our nature is to nurture. I think men feel if they ignore the problem it will go away. There have been some great men on this board however, so I can't lump them into one group. Please get yourself a good medical team and demand to your husband that he step up to the plate this time...luv..sherry

Chelee · 09-23-2009, 01:20 PM

My head has been spinning since being told my cancer is back yesterday. Then being rushed off for x-rays...being given appt. dates for ECHO's, infusion dates, dentist visits, labs, port placement, brain MRI and the list goes on as I DON'T have to tell any one of you.

I haven't even had time to really deal with how I feel about any of this. My husband finally said today he will take me any where I have to go...he will use FMLA or whatever it takes. He told me not to worry about it. I was shocked to hear him say that. But I'll see what happens when it all starts up. He was so angry last time I went through this & took it out on me often. It was so hard on me. Like I didn't feel bad enough.

After hearing that and coming here and finding all the replies and support from you all I can't quit crying. But that's what I needed to do. I serisouly DO need you guys right now because I have no one to help me. You would think this would be easier the 2nd time around...but so far that doesn't seem to be the case for me. I've been on the phone all day scheduling all these appts...right now it just seems like too much. One minute I feel like I can do this...then I'm not sure. But I remember the 1st time once I got my first infusion out of the way it got easier it seems. So I'll be ok...but I really will need some help here to get through this. So thanks to all of you for the PM's, prayers, messages of support. I'm over whelmed by it. I'll get my crying out of the way to day and put my boxing gloves back on. There laying around here some where.

Chelee

WolverineFan · 09-23-2009, 01:48 PM

Chelee.

I am so sorry to hear the news. Please know you have tons of people on this board here for you. We are ALL here to cheer you on and help you fight this. You can do this!!!

As for a second and third opinion, I believe it is a must! I requested annually since I was 35 to have a mammogram because of extensive cancer in my family. I was always declined approval from my dx because there was no breast cancer in my family. My dad had prostate cancer, but he was 62 so dx thought it was safe to wait until I was 40 for mam. I was diagnosed earlier this year at the age of 39. Follow your gut. It not only gives you some sense of control in this time, but hopefully you will find a great, compassionate, cutting edge onc in the process.

Hang in there, Sweetie. We're all pulling for you!!

DianneS · 09-23-2009, 04:48 PM

Chelee,

I know this is overwhelming right now. One step at a time. We are all here for you, sweetie. I'm glad you let your onc know you're ticked off! Maybe keep her on her toes from now on. You WILL get through this. I had all my chemo and herceptins without a port....perhaps they can find a vein without putting in a port? Can you use either arm?

Just a suggestion, but I make up lists for my docs so I don't forget anything. With all the tests you will be having it relieves your mind from having to remember every detail.

Sending the best vibes to you!
Dianne

Jean · 09-23-2009, 06:49 PM

Sweet Chelee,
I have no words to say about your dr. I am not going there with her. First of all and most important you allow yourself to feel what you feel. Of course it is over the top - and I doubt it gets easier anytime.

I think it is very wise to start the herceptin. Next before you jump into any further treatment I would get a 2nd opinion....while Dr. Slamon may not be taking new patients he certainly would consult. Give his office a call up at UCLA...That alone will give you a strong footing once again as you gear up to fight back.

It goes without saying how sorry I am that this has happened to you...and I am angry!
Love you,
Jean

Bill · 09-23-2009, 07:24 PM

Chelee, I'm sorry to hear this news. I hope and pray that you may have someone to help you and be there with you, and for you, as you go through this rough time.

BonnieR · 09-23-2009, 09:31 PM

You mentioned Dr Link. For what it is worth, I have a friend who swears that he saved her daughter's life. She felt like he thinks outside the box...
ETA: Keep the faith

Shobha · 09-23-2009, 09:37 PM

Chelee,

I am deeply sorry to hear your news. I am praying very hard that God will light your path and bless you with strength to carry on forward as you did in the past and win this battle again!

hugs,
shobha

sarah · 09-24-2009, 12:59 AM

Chelee this is very sad and I know how depressing this news is. I took the 1st time around very calmly but the recurrence hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't stop crying but it did pass.
When you can calmly think about it, you'll remember just how many people on this site there are who have had many recurrences but have survived.
There are so many treatments coming up every year, one of them (at least) will work for you.
I totally understand your despair but eventually you will come to see that you're going to live. Cancer's a chronic disease and has to be treated that way. After you get through this horrible despair and anger, you will have to learn how to live again and realize that you are going to live and have fun again.
Hug your husband and let him hug you.
You are not alone.
BIG HUG, many hugs and love
sarah

Laurieanne · 09-24-2009, 07:18 AM

Hello Chelee,
Just want you to know I am praying for you at this difficult time. You we're the first to respond to me when I was diagnosed last year. You helped me so much. I wish I could do more.
Love, Laurie

freyja · 09-24-2009, 08:41 AM

Chelee,
I've been thinking about you constantly and the last couple days and now finally have time to sit and write. We are all shocked and angry and scared right along with you. We are also strong, and determined and optimistic with you, too. You are not alone. You're also not the only one who had issues with her husband during treatment. I know exactly what you're talking about. My husband seemed to turn into a zombie when I was diagnosed. He was completely absent to me, and I had to deal with everything myself, or call my mom in to come stay with me during the hardest parts. He also had anger issues and I was shocked that he could get so angry with me for so many tiny little things that weren't even my fault, while I was going through so much. It doesn't make any sense. At times I thought my marriage was doomed and if I had been in the position to be ABLE to leave I probably would have. Now that I'm not in treatment any more he has come out of his fog and has admitted that he completely couldn't deal with it and was useless through the process, so hopefully he learned something about himself and can react much better in future crisis...we shall see. Men are not actually made of steel, are they?

The really important thing is communication. If he's not doing what you need, tell him. He really can't know what you want him to do unless you communicate clearly, and the other most important thing is that you both agree to try to not take anything personally. Emotions are amplified now, and that makes communication harder because feelings are easily hurt. You're joining forces against a common enemy now, so being angry at each other only weakens our defenses.

Forget one day at a time, just take things one moment at a time. Keep a notebook and calendar with you at all times so you can write down EVERYTHING so you won't forget, and a tote bag or backpack with all your medical records and forms you need, snacks and a book or craft project. That way you don't have to scramble every time you're headed to another appointment, and you'll have something comforting with you when you need it.

If your husband doesn't have the energy to be there for you sometimes, call your family and friends. They don't know what to do either so they need you to tell them.

Take a lot of very deep slow breaths. Slooooow dooooown. It's hard to think clearly if you're thinking about everything at once. Start at the top of your list and tackle one thing at a time.

It all seems simple but those are the things that have helped me the most, and it's easy to forget simple things when faced with so much complicated things.

My love to you Chelee. Your instincts are strong. Trust yourself and you'll do fine. You're doing everything right. Go ahead, cry...I'll do it to. Celeste