CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC -- hear me out...

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

But understanding, and becoming aware of, the nature of the psychosomatic process, is more than edifying. It is empowering. We can't help what occured for whatever reason. But we can help with knowledge and awareness of the power of our thoughts -- to our great benefit! That is the point.

I lived most of my life on Long Island where the predominance of bc is the worst in the entire country. They wonder -- is the something in the water, in the pesticides (my house was built on a one time potato field) as were many others. Dix Hills was largely farmland. North Shore Hosp and many other agencies are investigating these and other possibilities for well over a decade, w/still now specifid conclusions. There is nothing I could do but filter my water, watch what I ate (low fats and carbs and red meat) and pray from time to time. Of course, I assumed bc, though dreaded beyond words and congnizant of the awful statistics, no matter where you lived, would happen -- to someone else. You never truly imagine it, or any great tragedy could happen to you. YOUR house wouldn't burn down. You would never personally experience kidnapping or the like.

But as I was living with a smile on my face, a genuine expression of my Spirit, I felt clinically depressed, struggling to make sense of my traumatic childhood and somehow fix it. I was wounded but didn't get that. I was angry, blaming, resentful, unforgiving, mad as hell. But bc helped lead me to the answers to finding joy and peace.

Even as I discovered that my thoughts were creating my agonizing, immobilizing back pain -- I never felt guilty! I had no idea there could be such a connection. Even w/structural malformation and visible MRI disc impingement. I felt no shame or blame there. WHAT I FELT IMMEDIATELY WAS WOW -- WE HAVE BEEN GRANTED SO MUCH POWER! My head reeled with the possible applications of this Secret of the Universe.

Dr. Sarno told me that studies had been done on people w/the same narrowing of the spine (which is natural w/age) and w/bulging, intruding discs -- WHO HAD "NO" PAIN. Really? He cited these various studies w/specificity. Amazing. Okay my malfunction and bulging L4 and 5, etc. doesn't necessarily cause the pain. So where is it coming from?

The pain decreases when we allow ourselves to more fully feel our sadness or grief or anger, etc., Sarno explained. I tended to suppress my outrage, as I'd learned to do as a child of a father who could not tolerate seeing me cry or look sad. In fact, studies show that if you smile, you begin to release the same chemicals that come from naturally smiling. I had adopted a natural, perpetual smile as it made me feel better and made others respond so wonderfully. Smiling, and laughter, increase our sense of well-being. So I use my sense of humor at all times, in the oddest of places, it just pops up. I do not like movies w/violence (which are truly difficult to avoid these days), but seek movies that I can learn something from (Waitress) and that make me laugh (Little Miss Sunshine). We are all dysfunctional, in varying degrees. There is no NORMAL.

Watching my mother's long death, Alzheimer's, inability to speak, understand, read or write, play cards, have a conversation and then her paralysis as diff brain parts were dying off -- was indescribably painful for me. It began in the late '80s (her late 60s). Ihad round the clock nurses for her for as long as I could afford to. We had a hoya lift to transfer her from bed to wheelchair. I managed a mini hospital staff. I marketed for her. I paid her bills. I grieved for her. (I wrote her eulogy 5 yrs before she died, as I started to forget the person she was, first writing avid reader, up on everything, volunteer all her life. Then the words became sentences and they became paragraphs.) My mother would stare into space blankly. I was caring for the shell of my mother as best I could. I hired ambulettes to transport my mom to doc offices as the nurse and I could not manage this alone.

Paul and I searched for Geriatric Care facility. She was not a candidate for assisted living. We were on a waiting list, expecting the call any minute and knowing we had 24 hrs to move her in or we'd lose our spot. Ev time the phone rang my heart leapt. I had hr packed and ready. One the day she went into the home, I "decorated" her room as cheerily as I could w/items I'd bought and saved. I put up a bulletin board I had made at the frame stare and pics I collected of her as a child, a beautiful young woman, w/my father who was long gone, pics of me and my sister as children and present, and the grandkids, pics of her parents -- all to hopefully remind her and give her a sense of being surrounded by love. It hung on the wall facing my mom's bed. An added perk to this was that the nurses had a sudden knowing of the woman who was now a shell. She was such a beauty. Those pictures. Wow. I can see her. They would ask me who was who and then review this w/my mom in my absence. Sometimes she'd smile back.

But the toll that took on me (from the late 80s to 01) was beyond mammoth. I was dx in '95. I never told my own mother I had bc. She wouldn't understand and if she did, it would gravely upset her. There was nothing she could do, but I felt, how could such a profound event take place in my life and me never mention it to her. I'd discuss my dghtrs and husb and the events of the day, prattling on. Surely the psychological impact of that horrendous ordeal for her, and more for me to watch, as she seemed not to know, had to contrib to disarming my imm sys. Not my fault. Just life happening. No blame, no anger, no resentment.

But had I known of the potential physical toll of my emotional upheaval I would have been better armed, to vent more, to find a peaceful place midst the turmoil of it all. I had a thousand pounds on both my shoulders of responsibility. (My sister was having her own family problems and therefore I was The One, it all fell to me, as if I were an only child.) I wanted to call my brother! But I never had a brother!!

Waves of sadness swept through me. There is no hope for a person in my mother's position at that time. My prayers turned to pleading w/God to release her from this tragedy and let her go in peace to a better place. I prayed ev time I left my mom, unable to feed or bathe herself. I thought I was dealing w/it, but now in retrospect -- not so well. Packing up her apartment and disposing of all contents in one way or another was so painful. My dghtr Ali helped me w/the papers. I couldn't focus on what needed to be saved and what could be tossed.I was disposing of her belongings as if she had passed on, but she was still alive. I felt I was intruding, peeking into drawers and crannies.

Surely I am not a self-destructive person. Never thought such a thing. I have been a survivor since childhood. That is how I have always seen myself. I do not see you or any one who has ever faced this dasterdly disease as bringing it on themselves. That is absurd.

Let us all do as Adriana says. She is much like me in so many ways. Long time survivors who have no intention of doing otherwise. I don't believe we were just LUCKY. Nor does UCLA, or many places of prestigious med research done on our behalf. Let us all add our personal experiences and best guesses and share our readings with one another to better understand the bc conundrum and try to get a better handle on it.

Please, ladies, don't any one of you feel an iota of guilt, blame or shame. That is totally unfounded. We are all here unwillingly but here all the same. Let us put our heads together and offer our heartfelt thoughts. Let us network our collected info (beyond the med percentages). INSTEAD LET US STRIVE TO ALTER THOSE PERCENTAGES -- TO OUR ADVANTAGE!

[vickie h]

Who could possibly feel that Andi was blaming anyone for their cancer. The anger I read in many of these messages, as well as guilt and unforgiveness astouds me, Which brings me back to what Andi was trying to say. No One intentionally created their cancer.....but unresolved issues, trauma, unforgiveness of others, blame, etc, as well as environmental issues, diet, etc do have a part in our cancer, just as chemo has had a part in resolving some or all of it. Please reach out to one another and love each other. Forgive those around you if you ask for forgiveness for your own acts. Don't ask for forgiveness if you can't forgive ( a message from God) And Grace, your message is filled with hope and a positive attitude. Railing against injustice is about the most positive thing I can think of......LOve to you all, Vickie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Bless your hearts. And your lives. Your words of understanding mean the world to me. That you get my intent loud and clear is wonderful. Your spirit jumps off the page and touches me profoundly. Thank you so much for your kindness and loving natues. I cherish them. Sending hugs and kisses... ANDI

[CLTann]

I read the original long message and all follow-up replies with a heavy heart. My life long philosophy is never to give advice on religion issues, since it is purely a personal choice. The theory that mind-set and physical illness could merge is a similar debatable topic and borderlines on religion. Therefore, I shall not give any comment on this issue.

I do sympathize with the author in regard to her difficult and long journey, from caring her mother to her own bc. To have strength to go through these difficulties took a great deal of perseverence and courage. Her use of determination provided the basic elements to heal the body and lift the spirit.

The most important issue here is the intent. I am sure the author meant no ill and she has repeatedly claimed her love for all of us. Her good will intent is enough for me and I sincerely wish all the best.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I appreciate your comments. I too do not discuss politics or religion as these are HOT TOPICS. I see Spirituality as beyond any one religion. We are all human beings worthy of dignity and respect. Actually I see us all as spiritual beings on a human journey. We are all bonded, regardless of religion, creed, ethnicity, etc. I see us all as one. And surely all bc patients are Soul Sisters, knowing beyond any one else's ability to grasp what this scary journey is all about and how it demands our constant vigilance. So the passionate reactions and the radiant glowing Spiritual responses were surprising. I have been counselling friends of friends who are sent to me for over a decade. Never had I recvd such negativity.

I appreciate your recognition of my ordeal w/my mother. I now see how enormously more stressed I was than I admitted to while persevering through her struggle which became mine of course. Then came the bc and from my reading, I see a correlation to compromising my own imm sys, unintentionally, and becoming ripe for bc. Not that I need a reason for getting bc. Because I have so very many wonderful reasons that came from the bc. That is what I choose to focus on. My Spiritual path was ignited, the lessons and messages and Secrets of Universe have illuminated my life. As one lovely lady on this board said earlier (which I knew for sure if it was Mary Anne) -- "In the very blackness of the night a light so bright and warm covers me with blankets of love". That, in the end, is what I wish for every "being" dx with ca. We can become BITTER or we can become BETTER. The choice is ours. The difference of one little letter makes all the difference in the world.

Wishing you all a safe journey through this unique fight. May you come out more than you were before, with expanded awareness and deeper meaning in all of Life. Much love always... ANDI

I app

[StephN]

The brave explorers who took heart and sailed in crowded wooden boats onto wild and vast seas have always held a special fascination for me. Why would someone leave the comforts of their known land and set sail outside the known world? I was recently reading the life of St. Brendan, the Irish chronicalist of 1500 years ago. He and a small group of Christian monks made a small craft and it is said they actually made it across the Atlantic to America and BACK! Not once, but twice. This is well before Christopher Columbus.

Somehow he was called to take this voyage. He seems to have had no choice, nor did he even WANT a choice. His voyages were taken as a way to know God. This "voyaging" is how I have come to see my fight with my cancer. Many dragons and sea monsters have been encountered to tame along the way, but seem able to do this so far. They are near, but do not threaten.

An unseen hand seems to guide and comfort me, keeping the periodic freakouts to a minimum. Accepting this disease as another life partner has been key in my type of battle.

Perhaps this is my way of using my energy as a healing force, even though I may be a bit selfish with it, getting less involved in the social pressures and problems of our times.

Learning from all here how you fight (and, yes, die) has been a way of keeping me afloat. There is so much valuable input that includes and goes beyond our individual attitudes. Keep it coming ... "with Love, from me to you."

As one not ready to give up my ship, I enjoy the wisdom shared, both ancient and modern.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

AMEN TO EVERY WORD YOU WROTE. You totally get it. Good for you. And I really mean good for you, for in the end that awareness and wisdom will serve you and your health well. God bless you for your open-mindedness and your open-heartedness. First seek to understand, then to be understood. First seek to forgive, than ask for forgiveness. That's what Spirituality is all about. (I think that's from St. Francis of Assis). Sending much loving energy to all, as always... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

As always, your words are prose. Your depth of comprehension is quite riveting. You should write a book with your talent for expressing yourself. And BTW, you said what I feel with each new day, only far more poetically. Always love your posts, and your most special Spirit! With love ... ANDI

Thanks Vicki and Andi. I wrote my post, hoping to get a laugh, and lightened up what I thought was getting to be a sticky post. I'm always positive, mainly that everyone else is wrong and I'm right (my husband just said "amen" to that). Anyway, whatever we believe, we're all in this together, and fingers crossed, we'll all come out of it together.

So let's rail at the world that hasn't yet found a cure and not at each other.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

YOU'RE FAST BECOMING ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE. I love her humor. And am relieved that you're always positive -- that every one else is wrong. When I saw the movie Broadcast News, Holly Hunter was told, It must be terrible to always be right. She sniffed a bit and said, Yes. It is. And I totally related! Ashamed to say. But I do love it when my husb admits he was wrong (both times in 41 yrs). Still stubbornly sending loving energy to all... ANDI

[Sherryg683]

Sometimes I think back on what could have caused this cancer in me. I was in tip top shape when I got it, best cardio shape in my life. Then I think back to all the days that I got myself in total fits of rage and stress over stupid things that meant nothing. I would literally shake with rage sometimes. I don't know if this stress I put myself through contributed to my cancer, but sometimes I wonder. I now try to control the stress, I don't get angry and worked up near as much. I do have my days but I try to stop them. I have started to let my healthy husband handle all the "dirty" work in our family. I was always the first to jump on the phone and chew someone out for some injustice..now he takes care of the problems..i like it that way. But as far as positive attitude. I am and have always been a glass half empty person. Every time I go get a scan, I just figure this is the one where it's going to be more bad news. My Oncologist always tells me that I am his first stage IV breast cancer patient that has gone this long without having to get back on chemo and tells me how good I am doing. I always laugh and tell him because it's because of my "positive attitude"..lol. Although i do find that I gain so much strength and positivity from God and praying. I like to go skinny dipping in our pool very very late at night. I will just float there, look at the stars and talk to God. I thank him for everything and pray for others. This somehow grounds me and gives me peace and strength. When I look at all those lovely stars above me, I know there's something more out there, I feel free. So I guess we all do what we have to to find strength. I don't find it productive in trying to figure out why I got Cancer, it's done and over with now..I just have to live with it...sherry

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Sherry! It is so good that you see how you could improve yr QOL by consciously choosing to stop old patterns. You are evolving, as we are each meant to do. Each day I strive to become more grounded, while being alert to the worries and stresses that give me the willys and in turn make me snippy at the very least. I can see now how our thoughts are linked to our phsyicality as well as our emotions = how we feel.

I have to leave at 6:45 AM this Thurs for my mammog. Now I was alw anxious before mammog (10 yrs before bc dx) and would sit in the waiting rm w/the other women and sense their energy, which in some ways worsened my own, and also had the effect of calming me, as I felt I was not alone on w/this angst and anxiety. We all call out to one another as ea was called in -- Good luck! We'd make fast friends. I have Vit H the following Thurs along w/onc visit (which I now do ev 3 mnths) used to see him ev single time, then once a mnth, now a graduate. Still I have a list of questions (much derived from this incredibly wonderful and well-informed board). The last Thurs this mnth I have what have become my ev 6 mnth CT scans (which is scary territory after moving from ev 8 wks to ev 3 mnths to ev 4 mnths for so many yrs). I am talking to myself a lot as of yesterday. My husb is going through shingles and his suffering his impacting me gravely. I can't wait for him to get better (it's been 2 wks of 24/7 pain for him). I wish this for him, naturally. And I, selfishly, wish it for myself, as I can't take it, watching him in such agony all day and all night. Looking grey, usually tanned from 3 days of golf a wk, hunched over, face drooping, mouth gnarled. So the energy in this house is percolating and I am busy trying to keep a lid on everything. It's a full time job, which it is alw is but now w/added stresses the mountain I have to climb lks a lot taller than usual. But acknowledging our feelings is the first step in recovery! Like alcoholics. I am a bc Survivor, and pray w/ev day that I will stay there. Tests taunt me as I explain to myself that this will just be another way to verify my wellness. I refuse to say this one is going to be it -- when the other shoe drops. I won't put that energy out there. The best I can do for myself is stay positive, I am sure everything will be fine, but I'm just a tad anxiety-ridden, admittedly. That's normal. It's a part of being human. And then I try to connect to what is the basic spiritual composition of the True Me.

Good idea for yr healthy husb to do the dirty work! I was lucky in this way as Paul, who felt helpless w/my bc found a outlet in taking care of the bills, the insur co., following up on promising new treatments he googled. This let me be free to focus on HEALING and attaining wellness.

Yesterday, in a rare situation, I followed up on the Bloomies bill. Paul alw gives it to me as all charges are mine, to make sure there aren't mistakes. I caught a double billing for my beloved old foundation. So I called the question it a wk ago. I had the bill in hand and went over and over, knowing I was right. I wrote the woman's name down, the date and time I spoke w/her. It'll prob take 2 or more billing cycles for the mistake to be rectified. Annoying, but thank you very much. Paul kept the bill aside as a reminder. Then yesterday we got a letter saying I must call to give more info. Paul said ignore it, but I couldn't. $52.50 is a lot of $, better in my pocket, where it belongs. Of course you start off speaking to a machine and then prompting and prompting, punching in your acct # and the last 4 digits of yr social. Then the voice says sorry didn't get that right. Please do again. This time I tk the VOICE route. Still a prob. So now I hold waiting for a real person. When she finally gets on I KNOW she is going to ask, as is common, for the exact same info I have alr provided. And she did. I was a bit snippy, perplexed by the dumb process. Why do they ask, to pull up my info and then re-ask. Any way she said the charge was right. I said wrong. She was patient and went over it again. I began to be patient, certain I was right, yet exasperated by my inability to communicate this. Then she asked how I purchased the item. This jogged a memory. I'd called to make sure they had the exact name of my color, which they often do not. She had 1. She'd put it behind the counter. What's yr name? When you come in, if I'm not here, tell them it's behind the cntr w/yr name on it. And that's precisely what happened. And then I was charged, seeing no receipt in the bag. This Carin (I alw ask for their name and use it) said that in order to hold it for a cust they auto charge it. So prob I was charged 5/2 and then charged again when I came in and used a diff salesp on 5/3. I calmed down. We started to chat and laugh. I love this founda (Alexanadra DeMarkoff and have used it for over 20 yrs and alw pray it won't be discontinued as so many things you come to love are). Carin related and we shared stories and had a lovely time. I have learned not to badger and berate as that gets us no where fast. I try to alw be a lady, polite, but firm. Anger is counter-productive and eats at our core, which is so very unhealthy.

I love yr skinny dipping story. We all need more skinny dipping and staring at the awesome sky lit up w/all those infinite # of stars and galaxies. We, the Earth, are so infinistessimal in the vast Universe. We are a tiny golf ball. A pimple. Making awesome spiritual connections blisses us out, offers us a sense of harmony and being one w/the Universe and all its' beautiful creations. We are ea unique beings. Such moments make us smile, and make our hearts smile. They are very theapeutic and healing. I wish everyone of my Soul Sisters more skinny dipping, dolphin sightings, Yosemite remembrances... Sending loving and healing energy always, ANDI in Boca

[HavahJ]

This sounds a lot like self-blame to me. HavahJ

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Havah, This Universal religion if you will called Spirituality makes us see our Oneness w/each other. It is not about blaming ourselves for unconsciously creating physical reactions to our psychological internal dialogue. It is not about the bad news, but rather THE GOOD NEWS. We are are so much more powerful than we ever thought. We have been blessed w/a birthright to enable us to continue to create ourselves and the world. Not a blame game. We are not victims, though we all have days we feel as such. We are proud, strong, brave, determined warriors on a path to gathering as much info and pathways to healing. Traditional medicine, spirituality, supplements, diet, exercise it all counters in to the mix. Some of us have nastier genetics to overcome. All of us are fighting for our lives, even those who reach a stable NED place. We all feel we must keep our footing, work at stay well the best we can, doing our very best on a consistent basis. That's quite a challenge. And we want to do it with as much grace as we can muster. With love in our hearts, as we are touched by so many loving Souls. With compassion, the genuine desire to understand, to share and communicate our experience for the betterment of us all. We must see our many blessings and be deeply grateful for all we have, not focusing on what we have lost. This is the foundation of a happy, harmonious and healthy Spirit. I wish you all that and more... ANDI

[fauxgypsy]

I have been doing a lot of reading on the mind-body connection. I am often skeptical. My degrees are in the field of biology so I look at the research with a cynical eye. But this applies as well to allopathic medicine. When I look at research conducted these days my first thought is "who benefits". I appear to be benefitting from the therapy I am recieving. Although, I don't know that the prayer and the "directed thinking" that I have concentrated on might not have influenced my outcome so far.

I am disapointed in my oncologist's total lack of interest in anything outside of the various drugs he is giving me. The clinic where I recieve my treatment is definitely benefiting as well as the giant pharmacology companies. Research is going to follow the money, with rare exceptions. That said, I am not talking about positive thinking. If I were standing on the deck of the Titanic and the lifeboats were gone, I don't think that being happy would be a solution. I was diagnosed with stage four cancer with liver mets in Feb. After two months of treatment, a PET scan showed no evidence of disease. My oncologist was surprised. This is not what he expected. Me either.

I have been reading quantum physics on an elementary level. And it leaves me filled with awe. Everything is so beautifully interconnected. I do believe that we influence how our bodies respond to illness. What I meant earlier in this post by directed thinking was that I meditated on my immune system, on the healing power of my own body. I visualized the cancer cells dying. I can't prove that it made any difference at all. But I can't prove that it didn't.

Obviously, there are many factors involved in the onset of cancer. Genetics ( as far as the breast cancer gene) accounts for only a small percentage of cases. Environmental insults from chemicals such as dioxins play a role. Viruses may also have an impact. But none of this disproves the theory that our emotions or thoughts or life experiences may affect our immune system or any of our autonomic systems,for that matter. How our body reponds to the cancer cells is obviously not under our conscious control. But that does not mean that it not affected by stress, etc.

There are scientific studies that suggest a strong connection between emotions and illness. It is erroneous to declare that it is an opinion with no basis in fact. I've included sites that address these issues.

http://www.psycho-oncology.net/abstracts.html

http://womensmindbodyhealth.info/science32.htm

http://www.scirus.com/srsapp/search?...=web&g=s&t=all

http://www.infinityinst.com/articles...mmunology.html

http://www.scirus.com/srsapp/search?...nom&ds=web&g=s

My thoughts on the matter are that both points of view are valid, with the understanding that it is not a matter of blame if you get sick or don't get well. No amount of thinking, positive or otherwise will keep us alive in this body forever. No amount of happy thoughts will console us when we lose people we care about. For some of us, it is important to feel that we can be proactive. That there is something we can do. It makes me feel less like a victim. We may not be able to heal ourselves but I think that to discount the mind-body connection is dangerous. The benefits may not be lifesaving but they can be life enhancing.

Leslie

P.S. The picture I have included with my profile is a painting I was just finishing when I was diagnosed. Phoenix rising.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Leslie, It is most impressive to find a woman with a biologist's mind (and degrees to prove it) who is into quantim physics (on any level) and has such a spiritual outlook! It is a joy to meet you! You speak of awe. Einstein said that "what is so incomprehnsible about the Universe is that it is so incomprehensible" , so incredibly and precisely designed. He believed their had to be an Intelligence at work.

The NY onc/hematol/nutritional expert I have been blessed to come to know (wrote HEALING ESSENCE -- Dr. Mitchell Gaynor) believes in a holistic approach. He has classes teaching meditation and guided imagery. He's quite zen, for an all American boy. Kodansha America, Inc. publishing in Ny, NY. Most worthy of your attention. I found his bk life-altering! Also, just must add FIGHTING CANCER by Richard Bloch (of H & R Bloch) is FREE for a phone call -- 1 - 800 - 433 - 0464 -- chronicling his story of lung ca, 3 mnths to live. 20 odd yrs later he was still alive, using highly aggressive chemo he asked for, visualization, positive thinking and love for his wife Annette. It is
quite compelling.

If I were on the Titanic as it was sinking w/no life boats around, I suspect I'd feel much like a 4th stage ILC patient w/2 nodes involved. Thinking happy thoughts would be most inappropriate. I would call upon the Universe, seeking to draw strength and miracles to sustain me. The heroine of the movie had the love the the young man and an unhinged door that came floating by to save her. I watched a woman being interviewed on HBO. She was Russian, a SURVIVOR after terrorists attacked a theater in that country yrs ago. The authorities pumped a gas into the theater, after a long stand off and many threats, all inside succumbed, passing out, vomiting, some choking to death on their own vomit. This woman was one of a handful who survived. (The police had not thought their plan out, and did not have the remedy handy for the captives.) WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED THAT YOU ARE STILL ALIVE??? She looked away from the interviewer, her eyes darting about as she investigated her thoughts. In a heavy Russian accent, she proclaimed, with much passion -- I COMMANDED my body to survive!!!! I had goose bumps. And I never forgot it. So when I was dx I too commanded my body to survive, with absolute impassioned determination and conviction.

After the horrific tsunami a few yrs ago, I watched a model who was vacationing there and had survived. This was some 9 mnths later. Her companion perished. She clung to a tree for 9 hrs as I recall, w/what turned out to be a brkn pelvis, ribs and such from the heavy debris crashing over her again and again. 9 hrs of refusing to let go. She was not thinking happy thoughts, for sure. She was drawing upon the energy of the Universe to enable her to withstand the unthinkable onslaught. Her will was strong, bolstered by her spiritual connection.

Leslie -- your painting is remarkable. Beautiful. Inspiring. I will carry the image with me always. As the sun dies in flames each day as it sets in a magnificent display of artistry and emerges again w/ea morning. The phoenix rises from the fire and ashes and has a spiritual rebirth, renewed and reinvigorated. That is what I wish for ev Warrior Woman among these posts. May we ea find the fortitude to withstand the 9 hrs of our clinging to a tree midst the Chaos of Life, and to emerge stronger, wiser, braver and forever changed in marvelous ways. With my loving wishes... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

One of Leslie's post links has electrified me. DON'T MISS IT! I'm wading my way through her list slowly and eagerly. This site is from The Academy for Guided Imagery, located in Malibu, California. It mentions a book called Healing Yourself, by Dr. Martin Rossman. "Imagery is the natural language of the unconscious, going to the heart and bypassing words". It speaks of the fact that your body has an incredible natural ability to heal. Our goal is to harness that power. To learn about it and access it.

http://womensmindbodyhealth.info/science32.htm

"The Spirit is the master; imagination the tool, and the body the plastic material...the power of the imagination is a great factor in medicine. It may produce diseases in man and in animals, and it may cure them...Ills of the body may be cured by physical remedy or by the power of the Spirit acting through the Soul." Paracelsus, Father of Modern Medicine

"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Sending healing energy to all... ANDI

[vickie h]

Andi and Leslie and all,

Your posts are so wonderful to wake up to, a cup of tea in my hand, the sun peeking throught the Cypress, and deer playing in the hills beyond.

I think of E.E. Cummings and his quote when I think of you all...."To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight....and never stop fighting"

Thank you for lifting us all up by making us think, by making us discover new trails...for we should not go where the path may lead, we should go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.....

Today is so breathtakingly beautiful and filled with the strains of classically moving music sung by the wind, orchestrated by the rustle of golden leaves, penned in the silver ink of human love.

I cherish all of you brave and bold and lovely women.

Never forget that All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident

My love reaches out to you . Love, Vickie

[fauxgypsy]

I don't feel very enlightened today. I have been tired and irritable all day. I don't know if it is the anemia or the shot they gave me for it but I have been tired. For some reason I am getting phone numbers wrong and I am typing worse than normal.

I may just be tired. My daughter, Athena, and I have done several faux finish jobs in the last few weeks and I may just need some down time to recharge my batteries. I have scheduled some down time for the summer so that will probably help. I hope to do more paintings in the next few weeks. I am going to try and get them in a gallery in Oxford. I would really rather paint than do the faux.

The mind-body connection is fascinating. I have been reading Deepak Chopra's book "Life After death" and Wayne Dyer's books "Intention" and "Inspiration." Wayne Dyer's works just seem to nourish my spirit. I have started a journal at WWW.fauxgypsy.pnn.com. I am not sure if it will be all that interesting but it is there for now. I also have started a page at Care Pages. It is called LoveLetters. I don't know if y'all are familiar with Care Pages. It is a place where you can create a page for your friends and family to keep up with how you are feeling. I think it is a great idea when you really don't feel like talking with everyone.

Here is another link that is addresses the mind-body connection. I don't think I included it in the last post. I get the MindPower newsletter. Some of it is a little out there but it makes for interesting reading.

http://www.cancerselfcare.com/html/mind_power.html

Andrea, I love your enthusiasm. Vicki, I love your quotes. I don't know if you read my post with this quote: "En el mundo del Destine, no hay statistica" - In the world of destiny, there are no statistics (attributed to Martin Alberto Filches and quoted in Stuart Archer Cohen's The Stone Angels). I read this right before my second PET scan. I still repeat it to myself when I need it.

Several years ago when I was a graduate student there were several of us who shared and office. My friend, Scott, and i would find quotes that we really liked, turn them into small signs and put them on the wall in a corner that we called our "profundity corner." One day we wanted to rearrange the office and asked the other students if they minded. One of them told us it was okay as long as we didnt' put his desk in the "fecundity corner." Scott and I just looked at each other. After the other student had left we fell out laughing. The we decided that maybe he was right. The quotes did keep mutiplying.
Leslie

[vickie h]

I read your journal, walked out to the sun and cried as I sat on the deck staring at the creek below. Your writing touched my heart so deeply. It was interesting, heartfelt and heart breaking all at once. It took me back over three years ago to Feb (like you) when I was diagnosed with stage 3b IBC.

I was greeted by four Drs. while I was in the hospital with pneumonia. It seems that the CAT scan they took of my chest lit up like a christmas tree, and they were somber, looking at the floor, their eyes fleeting, glancing only as long as they had to at me lying there in bed. I was told that my prognosis was very poor and that chemo was my only hope for another year or two of life. My husband was running an errand and I was there by myself. I felt myself wanting to reach out and put my hands on their heavy shoulders. I told them not to be burdened...I felt sorry for them. One was a surgeon, the other an Oncologist, another a plastic surgeon, and the other a Pulmonologist. I told them I would be OK, I smiled, I felt my body melt into the crisp, white hospital sheets, I turned and stared out the door. When they left, the tears fell like acid across my cheeks onto my chest, etching the beginning of a story I was part of, an actress in a movie I never auditioned for, a black comedy perhaps. I fled to Mexico as soon as I left the hospital and would not call back home for the results of my biopsy. I sat by the pool and ate almonds and brown rice and water, while others feasted on enchiladas and washed them down with margaritas. I took long walks and swam and wondered about all things.

I came home to messages on my phone directing me to an Oncologist's office and my diagnosis. They were frantic, they were worried. I called them, haltingly, and assured them I would be OK. I fled then to The Kushi Institute, A macrobiotic compound in Maryland. Again, I stayed there for a week and cancelled appointments for chemo. I ate lots of seaweed, vegies, brown rice, and slept to the sound of the snow outside.

I came home and started chemo, and as they put in that first needle, again the tears spilled all over my shirt. I felt broken, I felt lost, I felt cheated. The women sitting near me nodded in recognition, in sisterhood. They knew. I didn't yet. The nurses hugged me and comforted me that day. My husband and daughters stood by me like boulders fending off the floods. I walked out of there a person changed forever. My hair fell out a week later, followed by all other body hair the next week. I. too. stared in the mirror, but a strange thing happened then. I looked at a reflection of a woman filled with stregnth and courage and hope and I hardly recognized her. It was me. Without any hair, eyelashes, or wigs. I missed the old me, wanting to hang on, but letting go and floating into the next world.

Today, I have hair, and eyelashes and dignity. I love the new me, though I still catch a glimpse of myself all those years ago in the mirror. I've decided I love both of those people and I love you, too, Vickie