husband support

deb-steph · 09-08-2006, 01:19 PM

just wanted to know how other husbands have responded to your diagnosis. mine is supportive in that whatever needs to be done (dr's appt, treatments) he doesn't mind me doing, going or paying for. he doesn't spend much time at home anymore and not much with me. when i try to talk to him about it he gets mad or says just wait until november. don't know what any of it means. did any of you get similiar reactions? what did you do? i have a great deal of support from my kids, parents, brothers, co-workers, friends, etc but emotionally not from my husband. let me know if this sounds familiar and what you did. i can't do anything about him but i would like to know if my situation is all that different. thanks.

dawn · 09-08-2006, 04:21 PM

Hi Deb,

I just have to say my husband has been wonderful, in every way. Sure, we have our arguements and tempers are short sometimes. But for the better part, I don't think I would want to go through this journey with anyone else. Whether its for me, the kids or whatever, as long as it makes things easier for me and helps to fight this thing he's all for it. Im sorry I don't want to sound like Im bragging or tooting my own horn, but with everything thats gone on this year, I think he deserves a little pat on the back. Especially for still being the man I married, even though I gained 17 lbs and bald.
Deb, maybe your husband is still having a hard time accepting this. A friend of mine up the street, said he never once said or discussed cancer with his wife. He just couldn't. What is the significance of November? Hope things work out well.

Dawn

Cindee · 09-08-2006, 10:01 PM

Deb

I had just the opposite response from my husband. He and I seemed to be growing apart but when this happened it brought us very close. In the beginning he cried often. Things have leveled off a little. I am perplexed about the November response. We live so close to one another maybe we could help each other more. I am confused and people do not understand that breast cancer is not breast cancer. I get so tired of hearing well my aunt olive or my friend had breast cancer and went through everything you did and made it through just fine. When I ask if it was hormonal or her2 neg or her2 ++ I get the response, "Well I do know". Nobody gets the fact that her2 ++ is not good and if you have to have breast cancer that estrogen based is the one that is the most curable.

Cindee

janet/FL · 09-09-2006, 04:42 AM

My husband was devastated by the diagnois. I ran across a book in the library, it was just out at the time and he read it and it helped. It is called Breast Cancer Husband, by Marc Silver and I highly recommend it. You can get it "new" from Amazon.com for 50 cents. Money well spent and it is recommended reading for more than just husbands: other people in our lives would get a lot out of it, too.
Janet

Andi · 09-09-2006, 03:02 PM

My husband has been so supportive. He has insisted on going to every chemo, every radiation, every doc's appointment and every herceptin. Like Dawn, I can't imagine going through this journey with anyone else. He says the hard part for the spouse is that he would rather it be him, but can't change the way things are. I know in the beginning, he would get emotional quite easily. Maybe your husband is having those feelings on the inside and the "male" part of him doesn't want to talk about things because he is afraid he may break down and thinks that would be hard for you. I think this is a possability since you say he is supportive in the other ways that you mentioned. The book that Janet recommends sounds like a good read. I hope things get better and best of luck with your treatments.

Jeanette · 09-09-2006, 08:32 PM

My husband and I have been married for almost 45 years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes it seems more downs , but we have always stuck together thru thick and thin. My husband has been very supportive, He gets a little frustrated at times, especially when you can't get results fast enough. i keep telling him its the Irish in him. LOL You are going thru a very hard time right now and maybe your hisband just doesn't know how to handle it. I hope this is the case. Just you stay strong and keep your faith, God Bless you, Jeanette

stephanie59 · 09-14-2006, 12:32 AM

A lot of husbands just don't know how to react to a breast cancer diagnosis. I think it is a number of things: they're afraid you will die, afraid you will be repulsive if you have a masectomy, afraid of cancer in general--like it's catching. You didn't mention how you and your husband got along before the diagnosis. If things have changed dramatically you need to try to get him some help. Make him talk to you.
My husband was really great and never seemed to think I was disfigured. BUT, he did read some books written by husbands and he did a lot of research about HER2. He even bought me the book "HER2" for Christmas the year I was diagnosed but I don't think he realized how depressing it was since Herceptin had just been approved and everyone in the book had died!!! I am an 8 year survivor without Herceptin so think of how good your chances are with it. Good luck, Stephanie

SusanC · 09-14-2006, 02:03 PM

Deb-Steph,
I read your post and I had to laugh. My husband does everything he can. He will get the kids, drive them everywhere, do the shopping, pick up dinner and clean. One thing he had a hard time with is talking about breast cancer. The other day, a "down in the dumps" day, five days out of chemo...I was crying and lying in bed. I had said that I can't do it anymore. He just stood over me, nearly expressionless. I fiqured he was just cold and didn't have any feelings. Then, I just turned to him and said " you have no idea what to do right now, do you?". He said, in a panic, "I have no NO IDEA what to do or say". "I want to be here for you but I have no clue how to handle this". It was as if he needed to be told how to respond. I am not very emotional so we haven't had to deal with emotional issues/support. It was then that I realized that he wasn't equipt to handle this. We are talking more about what I need from him and then he provides what he can. It has been better since we worked that out. Does that make sense? Some men have no idea what to do. They feel helpless.
Take care,
Susan