Self image--here we go again

Sherry in WV · 06-12-2006, 06:01 AM

It is hard enough battling stage IV cancer for 4 years (thank God I have had this much time). Years ago, 51 to be exact, I had a Wilms Tumor and had my right kidney removed. I was lucky then, too, 98% of kids who had Wilms back then died. No chemo only high dose radiation.
Anyway in Jan of this year starting having problems with painand bleeding when I urinated. Had a stent placed. I bleed even more, so they took stent out.
Then had severe pain. Back in hospital in Feb. They did cysto and said my urter was full of clots. Stent back in. Same senario in March. This time everything seemed to be fine. Then end of May I got an urinary tract infection. Stent changed, now I have severe pain all the time and bleeding all the time.
Went to specialist in Pittsburgh, he said I need a ureostomy. My urerter was damaged all those years back when I had radiation, but is just now raising it's ugly head. It is bad enough all the things that comes with cancer and treatments. I look older than I am, I have lost muscle mass and have skin hanging everywhere, ect..... Now to think that I have to wear a bag on the outside of my body to drain my urine into. Well, I am really having a problem with this one.
Self image is at an all time low.
YUK
Sherry

pattyz · 06-12-2006, 06:59 AM

oh Sherry......

The pain and suffering you've been going through; like a horrible nightmare that won't stop... without THIS next added blow.

When I am feeling low ( I am a queen of vanity! ) I try to remember: "I guess things COULD be worse." And so far it's been true. It is a little thing that helps me get over/through those very rough spots. Until the next one comes along.

IF your observations on your appearance are reliable, I do believe we could be sisters, but for the upcoming added accessory... You took the words right out of my mouth when describing yourself.

Two yrs ago, when I had my abdominal total hysterectomy for cervical cancer (adenocarcinoma, not the more common kind), I was sent home with a bladder catheter and 'bags'. One large for overnight, plus the day time 'walk about' bag.... After that, I know I could do it if I had to.

My worse case scenario is: I would be DEPENDANT on someone else to do those types of body function things FOR me..... With brain mets, that is in my mind for possible reality down the road.

I know Sherry. I was a young looking 'hottie' of 50 at bc dx, 6plus yrs ago. The downhill slide began then. But after mets dx, also four yrs ago for me, well. I turned into my mother at age 73. Not a 'good' thing.

I hate like hell you must face this latest insult after having so many other hurdles in your path. I hope with time you will find a way around/through your feelings of devastation.

with love,
pattyz xoxox

Annemarie · 06-12-2006, 07:05 PM

Hi,
I would like to share a simple story with you. When I was faced with brain mets and WBR I was most concerned about my hair not growing back (as crazy as that may sound). I called Christine and she said something so powerful to me I will never forget it. When I asked her about her hair regrowth she said very emphatically,"My hair? I have my life!!!" Everytime I go down that path I think of Christine's words. It was so basic and so true.

Chelee · 06-12-2006, 11:57 PM

Hi Sherry, You have had a very rough journey it sounds like. You have had more then your share and then some. But I must say, you are one very strong women to get through so much. My heart really goes out to you. I can't certainly understand why you are feeling the way that you do. I feel terrible about what I have been through and I just got started. Just diagnosed in Dec. 20-05. I have only had a mastectomy so far and chemo. So lost a breast and some hair. Nothing even close to what you have been through...I just can't imagine what that would be like.

Its so difficult to get through one thing only to have another problem pop up. My heart really does aches for you. But as bad as your feeling, you are showing many women going through hard times that as bad as it gets...you can continue on the journey and get through it as hard as it may be. I know one thing...don't hold your feelings back...it will only come back to bite you. I have been having a rough time with that..putting on a brave front for everyone..telling everyone I am fine...when I am NOT. Because they just don't understand. I have to learn to allow myself to cry...and not feel bad about it. Then move on rather I like it or not. (I know that isn't much help...but what else can we do when something else it thrown at us.)

You have come along way through some very hard times...some I am not so sure many could get through. I wish I had some inspiring words of wisdom for you...but I don't. I know as bad as things get for me...and as bad as I will feel at *times*. I have learned one thing...how much I appreciate life...and how much I want to live. So we will press on no matter what it thrown at us. So you hang in there Sherry...this too will pass and be behind you. I know that is easy to say...but look how far you have come already.

As I said early...I just started in this nightmare of a journey...and I can already see the aging taking place. Bums me out. But I so want to live that I will just have to take what I am given and make the best out of it. (Again, easier said then done...but I will press on some how.)

I do understand about your hair lose...that has really bothered me too. I always had such long thin straight blonde hair and I loved it. I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did when it feel out. But I have gotten over it because I rather have my life as much as I hate wearing a HOT wig out here in sunny CA.

But let me say how much I admire your strength to carry on though all this. Hang in there...and know how many of us support you and how much you will help others carry on by sharing your story. You have been through alot...that goes without saying. I am just really sorry that so much has been thrown at you...I know it is far from easy.

I am sending you warm and healing thoughts...and many prayers. Take care of yourself..also go easy on yourself. You have had more then your share, but I hope in time you will get through all this and finally have some peace. You sure deserve it. Just when I think I am having such a hard time...I read a story like yours...or MaryAnns....and so many others...makes me feel a shamed of myself. Hang in there.

Sending you a big hug.

chelee

06-13-2006, 04:52 PM

Sherry - hugs and prayers for you. Your journey has been on a rocky road to say the least! May those 'rocks' become pebbles ... and true beauty is what is within us, not our 'shell'....

Bev · 06-13-2006, 08:41 PM

I'm starting to look like crap. Is this bag thing permanent? Maybe a 2nd opinion? Best of luck. BB