Come Meet The New Me...

[Ceesun]

Bravo to you, Andi....you represent one of the best of us...in thoughts, words, and deeds. I wish you every happiness. Love, Ceesun

[tricia keegan]

Andi, congratulations on having the confidence to make this decision with your onc and of course huge congrats on being the poster girl for VIT H for so long
I can imagine how thrilling this new freedom will be and I'll be trying very hard to take your advice daily in my own life.
maybe you should make a tape and earn some $'s from all this lol......

[Marlys]

Andi,
I celebrate your "newness" with you! It is truly amazing what God can do for us. However, I must comment on your remarks about the strain of being in the treatment room and the emotional aspects of this. This is what I
have been experiencing on this site the past few months. I sometimes find myself feeling guilty that I am doing so well while others are experiencing such reverses. This has made it difficult for me to share although I am out here lurking and reading and praying and crying. Enough of that. I am on the Oregon coast enjoying the fog, the whales and seals, and most of all the clam chowder at Moe's.
Love & hugs,
Marlys

[jones7676]

Andi, it is wonderful and inspiring to read about you. You have no idea how often you have saved my day or week for me with your writings - and this is no exception. I hope it is gone forever for you, for your sake and all of us that look to you for inspiration and hope.

[schoolteacher]

Andi,

You have been an inspiration to me.

Amelia

[caya]

Mazel Tov dear Andi on reaching this huge milestone!!

You are the beacon of hope for all of us...

all the best,
caya

[kcherub]

Andi,

That is a.w.e.s.o.m.e.

Take care,

[Sheila]

Andi
Love your new picture...you Radiate !!!!
I am so happy for you...you have reached "the point"! Cut those strings and fly with the wind....you are such an inspiration to myself and others on this site....you have taught me to reach deep inside, and always believe....your positive influence has brougfht many of us to a new level with this fight.

Enjoy your new freedom...we love you Andi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PinkGirl]

Geez Andi, I forgot to post to this thread. Maybe it's because
I had some inside information and was expecting this announcement.

Like everyone else, I wish you all the best. You thought long and hard to come to this decision and I know that you will be fine. You have all of the bases covered. You have always thrived with your positive outlook and I know that you will continue to do so. Onward and upward, without that every 3rd Thursday to think of .... love you lots!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I will be eternally grateful to Dennis Slamon, who isolated the HEr2 gene, and helped develop Herceptin for Genentech (along w/Dr. Mark Pegram and others). They have surely saved my life!!

Throughout the years, i would be talking to friends and often somehow mention I had just had chemo. What do you mean?, they"d ask incredulously. You're still on that stuff!? How long has it been? I began in '98. They'd stare off, somewhat stunned by the length of time.

Then, they'd ask, How much longer do you have to stay on this chemo? I would pause, gathering their full attention, and say as calmly as I could, trying to relate my complete acceptance -- FOREVER... They'd each respond shaking their heads, looking away into space and repeating -- forever... Disbelief of course.

You see when I metastasized in '98, I was told grimly (by my New York onc who knew Paul and me well, since this bc thing began for me in '95) -- What you have is "inoperable, incurable... And you will be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of your life". I had 4th stage breast cancer. I was utterly demoralized.

But, with great effort and determination and as much grace as I could summon, I doggedly moved forward w/faith in my ability to SURVIVE. Of course, God, the Universe, my docs, nurses, Herceptin, even Taxotere, my supplements and wonderful *nut onc*, my meditation and guided imagery all countered in. And, as it turned out, the long term chemo was the *easy* chemo, the new monoclonal antibody that was tailor-made to correct this aggressive, malfunctioning gene. Just like a smart bomb!

It was then, for me, that I found that along with my terror (of cancer and real possibility of death) came a glorious reverence for Life and humble gratitude for my many blessings. This had all been somewhat obscured through the previous years. Not taken for granted, but underappreciated, if you will.

As fear and awe converged within me, a feeling of being more alive than ever before filled me up. I experienced a feeling of blissful Being engulfing me. It radiates from me I am told.

Now, I find myself digging to be brave once again. I've cut that umbilical cord, Steph -- you are so right. I wasn't ready till just recently. I am 3 yrs ahead of you. There is no right or wrong decision here. I am going with my gut, my Inner Voice, my instincts and the wisdom of extraordinary onc. There is no guarantee that comes with this choice. But I feel more confident and jubilant than I do fearful. I know I can always return to H, if (God forbid a gezillion times over) anything were to indicate such a need. I have not burned any bridges. Just shut the door ever so gently...

As always, I'm striving to focus my energy and my thoughts on the gift of each day, not on the possible loss of tomorrow. I am still talking to my body, and commanding it to stay well and healthy. NO MORE CANCER. I am clear on that.

I BELIEVE. Every thought is like a prayer. Every prayer is a potential miracle.

And I KNOW that every thought or whisper of my mind is in effect a direct command to my body. My body works with my mind, and KNOWS it is it's function to follow orders. So I am truly diligent about what I choose to dwell on each day.

Thank you all for *getting it*. My nurses were a bit frightened when I told them, but they support my decision. And, I feel fantastic!

I called my NY onc to fill him in and update him. He said firmly that he was delighted to hear from me and feels that I am going to do very well with my new plan. He is naturally gathering as much info on long term H users for his other patients. He believes I can do this.

I confided my thought process over this with Pinkie, to garner her valuable input. I was showered with flowers (all the way down here in Florida from up there in Canuckland where she lives) on THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. She so understood that THIS IS THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!! And, I know all of you can appreciate the gravity of my new Plan as well. Just had to share with all you fabulous people I have come to call more than Friends... Your words and sentiments have touched my heart profoundly. Thank you, thank you...

Andi

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

PLEASE REFER TO MY -- AS I WAS SAYING -- THREAD FOR MORE...

WITHLOVE AND HUGS

[Vi Schorpp]

congratulations on your freedom...you are one of the most awe-inspiring people on this board, and I know I have learned a lot from you. Most of all, I admire your courage and spunk. Stay well!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Maryls, my dear,

Please forgive my delayed reaction. I *saved* your response w/every intention of addressing the issue you brought up. It touched me, as it no doubt does others like US...

Survivor's guilt is real, but I pray you will come to see your situation differently. As I went in remission (in '99) yet continued as A REGULAR, reporting in for my every 3 wk Herceptin infusions, I noticed that I was so very blessed. I was, I suppose, the healthiest patient in the chemo room. As we all know, this is no place for a nice person to be. Staggering emotions and reactions surrounded me. Instead of feeling guilty for my good fortune, I found myself fill up with love, compassion and understanding (that only someone who's been there can attain).

So I set about trying to offer my best advice. Lessons learned as the increasingly professional patient I was becoming. Remedies I'd come upon for the various ailments. And, most definitely, my way of seeing my/our situation.

Those who resist our darned realities find themselves struggling and suffering. Their psychological battle often seem to spread to physical problems. You know, I do believe in the MINDBODY connection. And I have seen the correlation. It is my Truth.

I decidely chose to see my experience with what was clearly shock and awe chemo for me (my Taxotere ordeal). That freight train drug left me feeling like I was run over by a train. But, it also managed to annihilate my cancer cells! Bad news, good news. It was a means to an end. I viewed every throbbing pain, daily 30 minute bleeding nose, black and lifting fingernails, and on and on as matters I would surrender to in order to get to my desired goal. Taxotere was my ally! Not my poisonous enemy.

This state of inner openness brought me to a kind of elevated state of consciousness. I believe now in retrospect that it allowed me to connect with the sacred Soul I was given; that in fact I AM that sacred Soul! And that Awareness changed everything!

The thing is to consciously choose to focus on your the blessings you do have, not on what you grieve the loss of. I believe what we concentrate on all day is full of Energy. Thoughts and images are full of Energy. And they draw like Energy to you. So I committed myself to venting and divesting myself of all the obvious dark and scary thoughts and images and clearing the way for visions of my happiest dream scenario making its way to me...

Chemo nurses would seat the worst of the lot of walking wounded beside me, having heard me give pep talks ad nauseum. Friends began sending friends of theirs that I had never met to me (by phone) to try to inspire and support them. And going on this board, I try to continue to GIVE BACK. Not to feel guilty for being in remission, but with all the love in my heart to attempt to bring faith and belief to others. To let people know THE POWER OF OUR THOUGHTS, of our prayers and our acts of kindness.

This is what I wanted to tell you, Maryls. And to all our Sisters and Bros who are lurking and reading, and maybe sobbing too, I send you a way to find peace. God bless you...

SENDING PURE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO EACH OF YOU...

[schoolteacher]

Andi,

Thank you for this message. I have taken my fourth TCH combination, and it has been really hard on my body. I had to take two units of blood Friday. I made it to school yesterday morning, but I had to sit waiting on my students after a while. Hearing your courage has made me feel like I can finish the rest of my treatments.

Amelia

[harrie]

Peace is born out of
equanimity and balance.
Balance is flexibility,
an ability to adjust graciously to change.
Equanimity arises when we
accept the way things are.

~If you expect your life to be up and down,
your mind will be much more peaceful.

Lama Yeshe