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Faith and doubt, hope and uncertainty
Dearest Marie,
I have been speechless, yet I feel you know I often think of you and Ed and send out loving prayers in your names. I send hugs as well. But I feel I have little to add to the wisdom offered you on these pages. I simply have been sitting beside you in silence, which is at certain times the best that friends do. Hold your hand. Feel your hopes, fears and concerns. Suffer with you and support you. I am here nodding my head in understanding and profound compassion.
It appears to me that you have been given a number of solid avenues to consider from our Sisters. A lot of them scary and unconventional, but sometimes that is where we must go anyway.
I know you know, we here are all uniquely like-minded peers who nourish and fortify one another because we truly care. We help each other endure the pain, heal our wounds and continue to say YES to Life.
I would add this -- IMHO, to be realistic is to limit yourself. Let go of the judgments of others (docs included, standard medical opinions included) and believe in your ability to make your destiny become the truth you will live with.
I just read that FAITH and DOUBT are both needed to take us around the unknown curves. It resonated with me! When nothing is sure, everything is possible. So, Marie, retain the courage of your doubts as well as your convictions. Honor your doubts, and move forward anyway.
Hold fast your dreams. Without them, Life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly some bright person wrote. Believe in your dreams. They come from your Soul and are being written at this very moment in the Book of Life. Dreams can open hidden doors.
We are all with you, Marie. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. Breathe. And hug your husband for me, please...
Andi
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Andi BB
'95 post-meno dx Invasive LOBULAR w/9cm tumor! YIKES + 2/21 nodes. Clear mammo 10 mnths earlier. Mastec/tram flap reconst/PORT/8 mnths chemo (4Adria/8CMF). Borderline ER/PR. Tamoxifen 2 yrs. Felt BLESSED. I could walk and talk, feed and bathe myself! I KNEW I would survive...
'98 -- multiple mets to liver. HER2+ 80%. ER/PR- Raging, highly aggressive tumors spreading fast. New PORT. 9 mnths Taxotere Fought fire w/fire! Pronounced in cautious remission 5/99. Taxotere weekly for 6 wks, 2 wks off -- for 9 mnths. TALK ABOUT GRUELING! (I believe they've altered that protocol since those days -- sure hope so!!)
+ good old Vit H wkly for 1st 3 yrs, then triple dosage ev 3 wks for 7 yrs more... The "easy" chemo, right?! Not a walk in the park, but not a freight train coming at 'ya either...
Added Herceptin Nov '98 (6 wks after FDA fast-tracked it for met bc). Stayed w/Vit H till July '08! Now I AM FREE! Humbly and eternally grateful for this life-saving drug! NED since '99 and planning on keeping it that way. To hell w/poor prognosis and nasty stats! STOPPED VIT H JULY '08...! REMAIN STABLE... Eternally grateful...Yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skillfully curled) all worlds ... (e e cummings) EVERY DAY I BEAT MY PREVIOUS RECORD FOR # OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS I'VE STAYED ALIVE. Smile KNOWING you too can be a miracle. Up to me and God now...
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