Survival vs. Living

[mmoons]

Sweet Vickie-

What a lovely post. You are so eloquent! Thank you for sharing and for your brave, open, honest words!

Maureen

[Ceesun]

thank you so much Vickie. Sometimes my heart just aches...it is a real balm to know others, I don't even "know," share the joys and understand the anguish. Ceesun

[vickie h]

Loving you all so much this evening. I can't imagine this journey without you and so I give thanks for your love and support and reach out in gratitude. Loving my dearest sisters always, vickie

[Barbara2]

That was a beautiful post, Vickie. You are able to write what many of us feel, but are unable to express in such an insightful way.

I think one of my biggest frustrations is not being able to share with others, or to express my feelings to others in a way that will give them somewhat of a clue as to what goes on in the minds and lives of cancer survivors. It feels like my friends think that yes, Barb had a tough time with her initial cancer, but now that is over and she is back to normal. (What would we all give for just one day of not thinking about cancer; one day to experience what we had before cancer...)

I even feel a bit resentful at times (and feel guilty about that) that "friends" are clueless. Seldom am I asked truly heartfelt questions as to " How are things going for you?" It's like the cancer never existed.

Then my logical mind kicks in to remind me that no one ever truly knows or understands ANYTHING unless they have experienced it first hand. So, lighten up with your friends, Barb. They've never been down the road you are on and hopefully never will be.

I am copying your post and adding it to my cancer files, so it can be read again by me and who knows; maybe others, when perhaps they ask, "How are you doing, Barb?

Take care everyone...

[Mary Anne in TX]

I know what you mean Barb about not being able to communicate to non cancer people what I'm feeling or being inside. I quit trying.
I was talking by phone to a good friend in another town the other day and we were sharing our past few weeks. She cares for a cronically ill daughter and I for a way to healthy granddaughter. We always laugh a lot about our situations cause it makes us feel better. She said maybe someday we'll get back to our own life...before she could go on, I realized and said; "this is our life now"! We laughed and laughed as we realized that this (whatever is now) is our life. It somehow gave me amazing release from stress just to know that whatever is now is what is my life. I won't go back or forward or wherever without my brain's battle or body's battle with cancer. I won't go anywhere without my struggle to try to be an adequate substitute parent. And I won't go anywhere without all the joy from the people I've encountered while dealing with this mean disease. I hate the disease, but I love the people brought into my life because of the disease.
I'm finally learning that it's ok to say things however they come out with this forgiving group. Sometimes my brain is in gear and sometimes it's on vacation.
Prayers for all who need a break or a miracle.
ma

[DanaRT]

Vickie, You have beautifully captured many moments of what my experience has been for the last 16 months. You are a gifted writer and a treasured member of this group of wonderful people. Thank you for sharing. On to living....
Love,
Dana

[vickie h]

Dana, thank you so much for your loving words....sending you much love and hugs, Vickie

[StephN]

Hello everyone -
I found a quote that really boils it down!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
- E.M. Forster

Easier said than lived, but I think this is where I am. I gave up long-term plans when I became stage IV, but that does not stop me from planning things in shorter time increments. Energy and finances allowing.