Anybody have any jokes they can share?

[Paula O]

Did you hear about the blonde gal who went to the pop machine and put in her 25 cents and out came a soda? After that she put in another quarter, and another, and another…Time went by and there was quite a line behind her until one gentleman spoke up and said, “Excuse me, Lady, can we have a turn too please?’
The blonde smiled sweetly at him and replied, “No way, not while I’m winning!”

[Lettik]

Hi, Loved the duck joke and the
t-shirt. In fact, all are funny. Here's one:

************************************************** **
There was a man who got a chance to talk to God and ask him a couple of questions.


Man asks:, God, How much is a penny worth where you come from?
God replies: My son, a penny is worth 1,000,000 dollars.


The man asks: God, How long is a second in time where you come from?
God replies: My son, a second of your time is equal to 1,000 years.


The man thinks a minute and then says: God, Could I have a Million Dollars?

God replies: Sure, just give me a second.

************************************************** ***********
I'm a newbie and working on my signature.
Lettik

[Paula O]

I like that one, Lettik! Thanks for sharing. Welcome to the group--I'm glad you've joined us. I got a kick out of this one:

Rules For Better Writing
(Unknown Author)

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Paula O]

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic”. Some have come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

[Paula O]

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also, pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

[Lettik]

Paula; You are amazing. One right after another. Wish I had you around on a daily basis to increase my "laughter is healing emotion". Thanks so much!!
Lettik

[Paula O]

Hi Lettik,

I'm glad you like the jokes. I'm hoping LOTS of folks will share more jokes, cartoons, and funny things here too that they come across or search for--I'd LOVE for many to contribute funny stuff to this thread (hint, hint! . Actually, I wasn't much of a joke teller before I had cancer--am the kind of gal that sometimes forgets punch lines and am more on the serious side naturally.

I was so shocked, sad, and overwhelmed about the cancer initially, I sure didn't "feel" like looking up funny stuff--it seemed trite to me actually. A friend who is a psychologist recc two very helpful things: that I find something funny daily and share it with somebody else and also that I do something enjoyable every day, even just a small thing when I was not feeling well. It's been really good for me to go out of my way to develop more of a sense of humor, laugh at myself more, and cultivate looking at the funny side of things. I've discovered that it's downright fun to offer something that causes others to smile or laugh-- it's sort of like sharing little gifts with others. It's sure worth giving a try IMHO if there are folks here who haven't tried seeking out humor daily. C'mon guys,if you haven't already, join me in posting funny stuff here! It doesn't take long at all to look up jokes and cartoons on the internet and they recycle very nicely.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~ Mark Twain


Here's another joke I like:
4 Worms in Church
“A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service.”

[Paula O]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic … “Try doing it with the engine running.”

[Paula O]

Bubba & The Psychiatrist

Bubba went to see a psychiatrist.
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy’ he told the psychiatrist.
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the psychiatrist.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barber cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a barber cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’

Git ‘er dun!!!!!!!!!

[Paula O]

AFRAID OF THE DARK
A five year old boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to
go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be
afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look
after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure
he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help
you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness,
he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the
broom?”

[Paula O]

I posted a humourous account of a colonoscopy in my blog today that I got a chuckle out of: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/928


Hey you guys--do you like jokes? What tickles YOUR funny bone? Got any good ones you can share too?

[Paula O]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or who feel like it)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (My husband is at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Chuckling at this humor,

Paula

[NEDenise]

Hope you enjoy reading about my Travels!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more
often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible
but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial
but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times;
the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent;
but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Wishing you safe travels.

[Mtngrl]

That's a good one! Thanks, Denise.

[Paula O]

Denise, I think it's fun to play around with words too. Here is a similar rendition to what you posted that has a Christian bent that I added to my blog recently. I enjoyed making up a few of my own In Cahoots additions: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1019

and another joke...
BAR MITZVAH BEE Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. “Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been so cold and wet and there aren’t any flowers or pollen to make honey.” “No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left, keep going until you see all the cars. There is a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of flowers and fresh fruit.” “Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee; as he flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked the second bee, “How did it go?” “Fine,” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
The first bee then asked, “Hey, what’s that thing on your head?” To which the second bee replied, “It’s my yarmulke. I didn’t want them to think I was a WASP.”

[Paula O]

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this; that ole’ fly never knew what hit him!”

[Paula O]

”Only in America…
do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America…
do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America…
do banks leave vault doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…
do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America…
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER…
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ’practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used
on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?”

[chekmark]

This is a really old one but still one of my favorites.

A lady walks into a plastic surgeons office and said that she needed a quote for a face lift, she just wants to remove a few wrinkles and look good. He said he would be happy to do it but it would cost $5000.00. She said I don't have that kind of money do you have anything cheaper. He looks at her and said well...... just recently we have invented a new device. No one will see it, we put it on the top of your head and your hair will hide it and everytime you start to sag you just turn this device and it will tighten everything up and it is only $500.00. She was ecstatic and said I will take it.

She gets the device and goes home and all is going well, when she would sag she would just turn this device and looked good again until one day she noticed these 2 pimple like bumps on her face. One on each cheek and they would not go away so she thought she better go back to her surgeon and have them looked at.

She goes back and explained to the surgeon that everything was going well until she developed these pimples. He took one look at her and chuckled. You ready for it.... He said maam, those aren't pimples, those are your nipples and if you pull that thing any tighter you are going to grow yourself a beard.


Hope no one is offended, I just love that one.

[Paula O]

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law."

[Paula O]

Taylor Mason Comedy Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-14f...eature=related

Michael Joiner's fast food bit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCknl16rSoI

Paula

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He supported himself by growing potatoes in his large potato garden. One Spring morning, about planting time, he wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For goodness sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area, but after they looked everywhere, they didn’t find any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba