year anniversary..feeling scared

sabpri · 11-18-2006, 09:06 PM

I feel the same way! While my family and friends feel like every month that passes I am that much closer to remission, I unfortunately feel like it is getting closer to the countdown of my end! I was diagnosed with Bone Mets at diagnosis August 2005. My twins just turned 2 and my daugther almost 4. I HAVE to live at least another 15 years, which would be pretty miraculous for a Stage 4 person. I know I have read 1-2 years mets come back, and now I feel like at 15 months out I am smack dab in the middle of the Cancer Zone! AAGGHH!

Everyone keeps telling me how great I look now, how happy they are that I am done with cancer, etc. etc. I just smile and say yes, but it makes me feel so alone inside because I am just as emotionally tormented as I was when I was going through chemo. No one wants to hear all my misery and emotional pain and fears of cancer coming back and every ache and pain I freak out over!! I found a good therapist that has helped me to deal with it and is has helped.

It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Here is to us, living a very long and healthy lives, to see our grandchildren!

Natalie

Sheila · 11-19-2006, 05:52 AM

I am sure it must be harder on women with young children...the fear is overwhelming. As a nurse, I have seen a positive outlook on illness make a huge difference in healing....so although we have these fears, we must also have faith for the future....like Steph, some of us who were older when diagnosed, have the same fears....although my children are raised, 31 year old twin girls and a 29 yr old son, and 5 grandchildren and 1 on the way....I have many reasons to look to the future, take each day as it comes and live life to the fullest....I don't want regrets, this dreaded disease may have invaded my body, but I refuse to let it take my spirit too!

VirginiaGirl · 11-19-2006, 06:12 AM

I had convinced myself that I was DONE with cancer after finishing treatment the first time, and less than a year later I am diagnosed w/ mets. It just wasn't supposed to happen. I, too, chant in my head "10 more years" until my daughter is 18, at least. At times I'm convinced my positive attitude will make it happen, other times I'm afraid I'm deceiving myself again and not being realistic. But we have to be positive and brave around our children. I know my daughter is scared, too, and given her young age, I don't want to freak her out more than she already is! I, too, feel that the fear about what any physical pains mean is worse than the pain itself (so far anyway), and that now is as good as it's going to get coz it's all down hill from here, and just that much closer to disability and/or death. Ultimately, I don't like to think that way, and just push it out of my mind and try to focus on how lucky I am, on all the blessings in my life, and really there are so very many!

Peace

CLTann · 11-19-2006, 10:59 AM

I have long concluded that it is the natural human instinct to survive and strive for a long life. In fact, this is the universal principle for all living matters, even including the naughty cancer cells. I am near retiring age and look for enjoyable life with my husband. We have children and grandchildren. Still, we do not give up any opportunity to be happy. The BC is a much milder form of cancer than other types. We all have hope to live a long life. The mental fear is very natural for all of us since our enemy is like those terrorists. We don't know when and where they will strike. Stay alert, vigilant and keep up with the new knowledge. With a little bit of luck, we shall conquor the unknown and live a meaningful life.

lexigirl · 11-19-2006, 11:38 AM

Hi Sherri,

Sending you a huge hug. I definitely know how you are feeling. My one year passed and I felt anxious. I'm dealing with some sort of pain in my upper back that has me worried. My husband is telling me to get it checked out and doesn't understand why I'm not racing to the phone to have an appt for a scan made. Denial is sometimes easier to deal. I have two kids, ages 14 and 10. I told myself if I could just make it to when my daughter grads. from HS. Of course if I do make it I will want more! ANd there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking our heavenly Father for more. He expects us to! Don't feel selfish. I did at first, but I know that God wants me to have the desires of my heart, too! I believe that you are going to be here for many years to come.

Hugs and Prayers,
Lexi

Jeanette · 11-19-2006, 11:51 AM

I have just finished my Herceptin and now only on Arimidex, I also worry at times. i have six children and fifteen Grands and I want to be able to dance at there weddings. I will not give up, though there are time when i think we have all felt that way. with the good Lords help we will survive to live a long life. bless all of you, Jeanette