Worried about tomorrow?

[Chelee]

This may sound dumb but I have been through five months of chemo. I got through them so much better then I first thought I would. My worse one was the first...and NOT because of side affects or anything...but just the over-all fear of the unknown? I had no idea what would happen the first time...so it was scary. But all that worry was for nothing because I breezed through it that day. Not one problem.


But now...tomorrow (Monday) is my LAST full cycle of chemo. (Then I have to weekly herceptin the next two weeks following.) You would think I would be an old pro by this time....and not a worry at all...right?! It seems to be the opposite...I am really stressing over this last one. I don't really know why? I kind of feel like since it is the last...something will go wrong. (I know I shouldn't think that way.) All I have done for two days is cry. I just don't know what brought this on?


My *first* oncologist didn't give me neulasta once and landed me in the hospital...so I have had some lung damage...so I think maybe that is some of my fear? My lungs have never felt right since then and even the PET/CT scan shows permanet damage. I still use oxygen at bed time since that happened. Plus I can't walk far or too fast without running out of breath. So since that happened...I have it in my mind that it can happen again, or worse. Especially since chemo builds up with each one you have.


And the other thing that worries me to death is with all the chemo I have had...I see a big round node under my collar bone which did show up on the PET/CT scan. I have asked my oncologist about it and she just says not to worry about it. (Oh..sure thing!) Thats impossible. Why aren't they concerned about that node when I have been on all this chemo? Does that mean its not working. I am sorry for being in a bad place today...but I just can't shake it. So many things are going through my head. The PET/CT scan says "There is a borderline enlarged lymph node measuring 1.5 cm, this is unchanged from prior examination".) Even if it says its unchanged...why aren't they concerned about it? I can't help but worry. I don't want my cancer to spread because they are ignoring that? I am on my second oncologist in THIS group I can choose from...I like her so much better then the first one...but I notice they NEVER really answer my questions straight out. They are always so vague with me. They talk and say nothing. (It just makes me worry more!)

Maybe I am just afraid and worried about tomorrow because its suppose to be my *last* chemo until I get Rads. So maybe its just feeling like a safey net is gone? I just don't know...but I am sure tired of the tears the last two days. Its so unlike me.

I just thought if I expressed my fears to people that have been there...and still are going through all this...you guys wouldn't think I totally lost it. (Or maybe I have?) I hoped it would help me to feel better before tomorrows infusion. I always go in infusion in a positive mood...but this time I can't shake this feeling I have. Its just bringing me down. My husband just doesn't understand when I tell him things like this. He just looks at me and says "I am sorry honey", then goes back to watching TV. Or worse yet...he looks at me...hears me...but says nothing. (I might as well talk to the wall at times.) I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. No one wants to hear it. I feel so alone at times.


Is it normal to feel worried when you are at your last chemo and moving on to Rads? I have waited so long to get to my last chemo...now I have to feel like this! I SHOULD be so excited...what the heck is wrong with me? I really am so stressed about tomorrow. It just makes no sense to me. To anyone that made it this far...thanks for reading this.


Chelee