Scared and Need to Vent

[emmasmom]

Good morning. Well, yesterday I went to the doctor's to talk to them about my headaches and to review the results from my CT scans. My abdomen and pelvis were clear. When I was first diagnosed I had a few little spots on my lungs. After a PET scan none of them "lit up" so my oncologist told me they were inconclusive (they were too small to do a biopsy) and we would just watch them. Fast forward to yesterday. The spots were still there, albeit smaller. She is going to do a pet scan in the next two weeks (I am going to have to wait until my insurance will cover it). Again, they are too small to do a biopsy and she still doesn't know if they are even cancer because none of them lit up. I was sick most of the winter with horrible colds and a cough. I am hoping it is just an infection that is taking its time to clear.

We talked about my headaches and she wanted to do a brain MRI, just to make sure. I am so scared. This morning, my brain feels like it is ready to explode and now I am having pressure in my ears. My nose has been running most of the morning. We are both hoping that it they are just sinus infections. Again, I am so scared.

Ever since I have been diagnosed I feel like I have been really strong and positive. I have taken on this attitude like there is no way this thing is going to take over my life, but yesterday when I was sent for a Brain MRI I completely broke down. I am mad. I am mad that I am 36 years old and having to deal with this. I should be worrying about all the things that typical 36 year olds are worrying about -- having more babies; how to re-decorate my house; where my Emma is going to go to school. Now I wonder if I will see Emma make her first day of school. I mad and I am so scared. All I feel like doing is crying.