scan results

[Joy]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your smart advice on my last thread. I take it very seriously and I love that so many of you took the time to respond. I had my onc visit this morning and I am pretty upset. I have been on gemzar/carbo since October. This was the first scan since starting that. She said that the radiologist is deeming the disease stable, but that there is significant liver involvement. Her concern is that while the current tx is keeping it stable, she would like to see it shrink so as not to lose any windows of opportunity in the future. This was the pattern when I was on the herceptin dm-1 trial. So tomorrow I start Epirubicin and Cytoxan. She has actually wanted to do that for awhile and I have resisted some, but now it is time to get really serious I guess. I had A/C 8 years ago and HATED it. So I am having a very sad day in remembering that. I am also very sad because It seems like nothing is going to work. I haven't had a good response since Tykerb/Xeloda and eventually there was progression on that. If we get this junk to shrink then we will look at more maintenance type therapies (avastin, etc.). I just wonder if we will ever get there. I am so angry and sick and sad. Is this what happens when you are heavily pre-treated-things just stop? Is there any hope? My onc is going to San Antonio and I hope she comes back with great ideas. I have been reading abstracts too. And while there are good things it all seems so elusive. Like how do we get these things into our real lives, you know? I sure could use some good stories from anywhere regarding many treatments and still regression of disease. My head hurts, my eyes hurt from crying and I feel sick to stomach which is dumb as it looks like there will be plenty of time for that. Luca is being AMAZING . Sad and strong all at the same time. I never wanted him to see me bald and I am mad about that too. My family is awesome as usual. My sister is so great and my parents are so loving. I know I have so much for which to be grateful and yet today I have to admit that I am angry and jealous of people who do not have this to deal with. I know I am in the best place possible here with you all and I am getting choked up thinking about how much I love you.