I was told this would happen...

Faith in Him · 09-24-2007, 06:38 PM

so, today I had to pick up my mother from the same surgery room where I had my breast cancer surgery eight months ago. I wasn't really thinking about it until I walked into the recovery room and saw the same recliner chair where I was prior to surgery.

Then it happened. Tears flowing all down my face, fear rising up in me just like the day of surgery, lack of focus, you know, all those emotions. I had the meltdown right there in the middle of the room. Not fun and embarrassing to say the least. But, it happened and I knew it would, just didn't know were or when. Maybe now that it is over, I won't have another one.

Thought I would share with those who truly know how I feel.

Blessings,
Tonya

Liz J. · 09-24-2007, 07:04 PM

Dear Tonya,

I am sorry you had this experience. I can relate, but on a different note. I had my mast in April 2005 in the same hospital where my dear Mom passed away less than 2 years before. I can't even get into details, but when they finally found a room for me around eleven at night I broke into tears thinking about all the time she spent in and out of there and those last days. Mom did not have bc. She was 88 yrs. old and had suffered from Alzheimers, etc. for about 6 years. She was my special angel and, well, I just can't say any more as I am crying for you and myself. Please know that I know and you are both in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Liz J.

Chelee · 09-24-2007, 07:39 PM

Tonya, I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I know how embarrassing it can be. I've been there and done that...its just that it was different circumstances for me. I had people tell me not to let it bother me but that's easier said then done as I am sure you know all to well. This is a very emotional roller coaster your on once DX so you can't be too hard on yourself. I've had several meltdowns when I least expected it. They come out of know where!

So you hang in there...this is not an easy road to be on. These things happen. We all have our good days and bad. Its all very normal and believe me...I don't want to speak for the others...but I am pretty sure everyone here has felt like that and had that happen when they didn't expect it. I'll be keeping you & your Mother in my thoughts and prayers.

Chelee

chrisy · 09-24-2007, 08:30 PM

I had a similar experience. Almost a year after my surgery, I was taking the "mindfulness based meditation/stress reduction class". There was an all day meditation session in a conference room in the basement of the hospital, right down the hall from where I had the sentinal node dye injection. I didn't even have the surgery at that hospital, but it didn't keep me from having a complete meltdown! I was completely taken by surprise, especially since the rest of the classes had been held at the hospital where I DID have my surgery and I had had no such reaction! Ya just never know where those crazy emotional triggers will get ya.

Sheila · 09-25-2007, 03:55 AM

Yonya
you are not alone in what you are feeling...you are reliving a day that changed your life forever....like Chrisy said, none of us know when the trigger will hit.....but tears are good, they cleanse you in a way, and allow you to pick up yourself and begin the fight full of strength.
You and your Mom are in my prayers.

mts · 09-25-2007, 06:05 AM

Tonya,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!

I bawled my way out a 3rd opinion appt ... in the elevator, through the parking lot and all the way home. There are times I feel a melancholy rage, and I know its normal. This horrid disease plays its sour chords on us every now and then.

Like Sheila said - tears cleanse you in a way...

Hang in there-
Maria

Margerie · 09-25-2007, 07:23 AM

You just know you are going to get caught with your guard down at some point! I was tough as nails and was almost a year from diagnosis when my meltdown occured. Get this, at the spa! I was getting my first wax just before my big reconstrucive surgery because I didn't want to be shaving anytime soon. The gal asked me if this was the first time for a wax. I couldn't get past anything but "Cancer" before I started cryng. She was so nice, although I am sure scared out of her mind to wax the legs of a madwoman. I was so worried about what she thought- but hey this is our own personal truth and nothing to be ashamed of!

Another year has past, and I think that was my only meltdown. Hey, chemo brain comes in handy sometimes. I just saw the same gal for a facial. She remembered me, of course, and was nothing but gracious!!

Anyway, enough about me- I am thinking of you and your mom. May you continue to heal together.

Mary Anne in TX · 09-25-2007, 08:26 AM

But isn't it so sad that it is embarrassing to have a "come apart"! Seems like it would help get through the first few months and then again when more reality of "life is new and different" sets in!
I found myself just watching old (I mean really old) movies late at night or when I'm alone and just letting myself have all the feelings I need to. It's really helped me to just keep letting it go over and over. I find it very hard to share my feelings with others or to ask for help; but knowing how important it is not to "carry the feeling", I find a way! I am getting better though.
Tonya, good for you for letting go and being in your feelings and doing what you needed to do! Best wishes for many happy days to come! ma

Kimberly Lewis · 09-25-2007, 11:03 AM

I was laying in bed the other night and absentmindedly running my hand over the lymph node area's and came across this big lump. I totally panicked! I jumped up and looked in the mirror only to see a MOSQUITO bite! It was in a numb area so.... Can't believe I am still so freaked out. deep breathing helps sometimes!

Andrea Barnett Budin · 09-25-2007, 12:33 PM

Tonya, We all relate to your not so private meltdown. Do not be embarrassed. Any one who has been down this road totally empathizes with such a moment. And, Tonya it is true that is a part of the process, the grieving for what has been lost and what must be endured. Crying is HEALING. It is a good thing that this happened, believe it or not. It means you are in touch with your emotions and deepest thoughts and have not only connected with them, but purged yourself of them. This is how we experience our feelings and then move on. You knew it would happen and so it did. MAY YOU *KNOW* THAT YOU WILL BE HERE ON THIS EARTH LONG INTO THE FUTURE. WHAT WE *KNOW* COMES TO PASS! That is a Knowing I cherish, and work with all day, every day. Have FAITH in that, Tonya.

Typically, I had mine privately, behind a closed bathroom door. I melted right down to the floor. I couldn't speak. My daughter was on the phone, my husband gently knocking, but I could not yet respond. I had to have a moment. Then, I became revived and took a shaky step back into Life. May you be stronger for dealing with what must be dealt with so that you can get on with Life and dance with NED...

Prayers and love to you and Mom...
Andi