Moral Support Needed

tousled1 · 06-06-2006, 06:15 AM

I am scheduled for a bilateral mastectomy this Thursday. I am Stage III, ER/PR-, HER+++, node positive. Did neoadjunct chemo (4 A/C followed by 4 Taxatore). PET scan showed no mets. After surgery will lhave radiation and 1 year herceptin. I know I made the right decision regarding the bilateral, at least for myself. My concern is that my daughter who I now live with just will not talk about the breast cancer or the surgery. I'm assuming that she is in denial. Her husband on the other hand has been great. I talk to him and about my feelings, etc and I'm hoping that he is then relaying that info to my daughter. Guess I just need a little moral support from someone who has been through this. No one seems to understand unless they have had breast cancer.

madubois63 · 06-06-2006, 06:37 AM

She is scared not only for you, but for herself. It is hard to understand unless you have gone through it, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you and isn't afraid for you. Has she gone to any of your appointments with you? Maybe talking to someone that has been through it and done well might help??? Everyone deals differently. My daughter is younger (15) and doesn't talk much. She posts on a band fan site and I stalk her (don't tell). when I see something that concerns me, I drop little hints a day or so afterwards. Since you seem to halve a good relationship with your son-in-law, ask him if he relays info and how she is dealing. Good luck...

Cathya · 06-06-2006, 08:02 AM

Kate;

I agree with Maryann....she is afraid for herself. My daughter is 21 and has been fabulous and caring with me but when I bring up the subject of bc now she tells me it depresses her and puts her in a down mood and doesn't want to talk about it. I wanted to do genetic testing and she refuses and doesn't want to know. My first year on treatment she went for 3 different physical exams.....lol...just a little paranoid. She loves me and worries about me but the whole topic is just too close to her own wellbeing. I try to lead by example.....she sees me researching, talking to others, on this site, going for treatments and surviving.....just as my mother did before me for bowel cancer. She has a very good friend whose mother was ill for over a year and refused to see the doctor....she is now terminal lung cancer with mets to the brain and elsewhere. She still refuses to discuss this with her daughter. My daughter repects her decision and is just there for her friend but I do not doubt that the difference between us is clear. I have said....a cancer diagnosis is a very scarey thing....but you can't live in that fear. I am sure she gets the message and will make good decisions. I am also aware that I sometimes try to surround her and protect her in my way because of my fear for her....I know I can't do that either. It's tough.....mothers and daughters......

Cathy

Vi Schorpp · 06-06-2006, 08:38 AM

Tousled 1

I can relate somewhat. My daughter (who was 23 at the time) was rather cool and collected when I was diagnosed 3 years ago and had surgery. While I knew she was rather mature for her age, I felt she wasn't acknowledging many things. Sure she cried, but she was different in some ways. While she couldn't do enough for me and was hovering quite a bit, paradoxically I felt that she had pulled away. I found out that she was really opening up to my sisters and asking them the tough questions and trying to get them to promise her that nothing would happen to me, which they couldn't do. She felt she should put on her brave face for me and not hit me with the questions, statistics, etc. Once I learned this I talked to her and then she felt like I could handle any of her questions. She stills gets a little concerned and wants to know why I'm on this site, why I was looking up some medical information, etc.

Maybe your daughter feels she has to be "brave." Hang in there with her, you'll find out at a later date why she seems to remove herself. Maybe it's for her own preservation. Take good care.

Kimberly Lewis · 06-06-2006, 10:19 AM

Each family member reacts so differently! My daughter angrily accused me of hiding the truth from her. I tried to be positive about it all and saved my personal torment for a select few who could handle it. My mom didn't want to hear any bad news and clearly said so. My sister promptly forgot that stage 3 meant my chances of survival slipped down several percentage points, and acts surprized any time I bring it up... so it is a learning process as to what people can and will handle. You on the other hand need someone who CAN listen to you without loosing it. My daughter-in-law has been awesome in relating the news to my son and her ability to hear it all... She had breast cancer in her family too. I think that living with her is difficult as there isn't any place for her to "freak out" or whatever she needs to do.... maybe that is part of it.
ps... I am happy that I had a bi-lateral and so far the treatments are working - my pet scan 1 year out is clear!!!

sarah · 06-06-2006, 11:49 AM

I agree everyone reacts differently. I have a friend who also has breast cancer and she looked forward to a visit from her mother but her mother couldn't handle it. My husband's been great but sometimes he doesn't want me to talk about it, sometimes he thinks I'm obsessing about it when I think I don't talk about it much and I always put on this I'm not really ill facade with all our friends but if I read something new, I'll mention it. so it's hard to know what to do from our (the patient's) point of view and their (the freaked out family member or friend) point of view. You definitely need someone you can talk to completely honestly about your fears, the pain or whatever but this may not be a family memeber. they're definitely scared but it's hard as a patient when what you most need is a hug.
consider yourself hugged virtually.
sarah

cherylynnie · 06-06-2006, 01:14 PM

Kate,
My children, though much younger, were very worried about the surgery. She is probably very scared for you and doesn't want to talk about it because perhaps she may get too emotional and doesn't want to upset you. When I was first diagnosed I didn't want to talk to anyone close because I did alot of crying. The tears just flowed and it was better for me to not talk about it.