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08-11-2007, 04:57 PM
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#1
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 624
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Help, My husband is driving me crazy
I am so sorry, I need to vent. Everytime I get a petscan that indicates that I need to continue chemo, my husband, who lives in Ft. Worth and I am separated from, sends me a cheesy divorce agreement, this time he stated that he is sorry that he has to go through this. He also told me that he believes that I brought on my breast cancer and willed it upon myself after he filed for the divorce the first time. He didn't work for 2-1/2 years during our marriage, we had to live off of our savings and now he is blaming me, because we don't have any savings and has been wanting a divorce. I think he is going bonkers. He believes that my family should take over my medical care at this point. I have a huge headache. I really just needed to vent and get a little feedback, because I am starting to feel like I am the one that is nuts.
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08-11-2007, 05:18 PM
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#2
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Stockton, NJ
Posts: 4,179
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Be a firetrucking bitch my dear. He wants the divorce. Hang loose my dear. Tune outttttttttttttttt. Who cares!!! You know what I mean. Let it be, let it be. You can drive him crazier than cancer so why not?
Also, it is not the worst thing that is happening to you so focus on you and not him and his divorce.
Oh WELL!
__________________
Kind regards
Becky
Found lump via BSE
Diagnosed 8/04 at age 45
1.9cm tumor, ER+PR-, Her2 3+(rt side)
2 micromets to sentinel node
Stage 2A
left 3mm DCIS - low grade ER+PR+Her2 neg
lumpectomies 9/7/04
4DD AC followed by 4 DD taxol
Used Leukine instead of Neulasta
35 rads on right side only
4/05 started Tamoxifen
Started Herceptin 4 months after last Taxol due to
trial results and 2005 ASCO meeting & recommendations
Oophorectomy 8/05
Started Arimidex 9/05
Finished Herceptin (16 months) 9/06
Arimidex Only
Prolia every 6 months for osteopenia
NED 18 years!
Said Christopher Robin to Pooh: "You must remember this: You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"
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08-11-2007, 05:47 PM
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#3
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 2,357
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Hi Vanessa!
We do feel nuts when we try to deal with people "as if" they are sane when they're wacky!!!! Take a good look at his track record and declare him totally insane. Then when he start hollering, see him for the insane baby that he is and just "oh well" him!!!
If he can hand off his insantiy to you, then he feels better and you feel like a nut for sure. Just say no as Becky says!!!!!! She so has it right on!
But the baby in his crib and get back to taking care of YOU!!!
ma
__________________
MA in TX.
Grateful for each and every day....
Diag. 12/05 at age 60
Stage II, Grade 3, 4.5 cm primary tumor
ER/PR- Her2 +3 strongly positive
Her2 by FISH 7.7 amplified
vascular invasion
Ki67 20% borderline
Jan - March '06 Taxotere/Adriamycin X 3 to try to shrink tumor - it grew
April '06 Rt Modified Radical Mas, 7 of 9 nodes positive
April - Aug. '06 Herceptin/Taxol/Carboplatin X 8 (dose dense)
Sept - Dec. '06 Navelbine/Herceptin x 8 (dose dense)
Radiation & Herceptin Jan. 22 - March 1, 2007
Finished Herceptin Dec. 10 '08! One extra year.
Port removed August, 2012.
8 1/2 years since diagnosis! 5 1/2 Years NED!
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08-11-2007, 08:43 PM
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#4
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Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: So California
Posts: 223
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Hang in there!
Vanessa:
Oh my goodness! What an idiot he is. The best advice I can give is, "Don't engage" meaning, when he starts with his nutcase statements, don't respond, don't anything. Just ignore him. His selfish statements do not deserve a response from you. Continue down your path of treatment, healing etc and don't let him drag you down. And remember, the Texas court system decides who is responsible for your medical care, not him. So ignore him and when the time comes, hire a lawyer.
__________________
Leslie's Sister (Lisa)
Diagnosed 5/17/06
Left breast Stage II
5 cm. Her2Neu+++, ER-, PR-
1 positive node out of six,
double mastectomy 6/9/06;
TCH started 7/12/06
last chemo 10/25/06
herceptin ended 6-11-07
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08-12-2007, 11:56 AM
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#5
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Mountains of Virginia
Posts: 2,267
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Vanessa,
Unfortunately, it appears that all he cares about is what HE WANTS.
I agree with the "don't engage" advice. Don't play his game of trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for your cancer dx and all that goes with it. When he starts--depart. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Worry about you. And when the time comes.....make sure you have a GOOD lawyer.
I hate that you are having to go thru this--any of this. Concentrate on the good things--like that new grandbaby!
________
Web shows
Last edited by sassy; 08-22-2011 at 09:26 AM..
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08-12-2007, 03:36 PM
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#6
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,210
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Of course you have a huge headache.....HIM!!! Could he BE more insensitive?
Keep the faith.....
__________________
Bonnie
Post menopause
May 2007 Core biopsy, Rt breast
ER+, Pr-, HER2 +++, Grade 3
Ki-67: 90%
"suspicious area" left breast
Bilateral mastectomy, (NED on left) May 2007
Sentinel Node Neg
Stage 1, DCIS with microinvasion, 3 mm, mostly removed during the biopsy....
Femara (discontinued 7/07) Resumed 10/07
OncoType score 36 (July 07)
Began THC 7/26/07 (d/c taxol and carboplatin 10/07)
Began Herceptin alone 10/07
Finished Herceptin July /08
D/C Femara 4/10 (joint pain/trigger thumb!)
5/10 mistakenly dx with lung cancer. Middle rt lobe removed!
Aromasin started 5/10
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08-12-2007, 09:09 PM
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#7
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 3,519
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It sounds like it is time to get the loser out of your life for good!!! You do have a good lawyer, right? What do you mean by "family take over medical care?" Paying for it, or being your support system? Either way... I say run away from him as far and as fast as you can. Do you have insurance? If you aren't already on SS Disability, apply ASAP! Metastatic b/c is pretty much automatically covered, and you qualify if you haven't worked full-time for 6 months I think. It is retroactive to whenever you stopped working fulltime, and if you aren't already on Medicare, it is also retroactive, so the 24 months required for Medicare are already counting down from when you stopped working fulltime, but you have to apply... Take all steps necessary to get the loser out of your life. Starting with a good attorney!
__________________
Brenda
NOV 2012 - 9 yr anniversary
JULY 2012 - 7 yr anniversary stage IV (of 50...)
Nov'03~ dX stage 2B
Dec'03~ Rt side mastectomy, Her2+, ER/PR+, 10 nodes out, one node positive
Jan'04~ Taxotere/Adria/Cytoxan x 6, NED, no Rads, Tamox. 1 year, Arimadex 3 mo., NED 14 mo.
Sept'05~ micro mets lungs/chest nodes/underarm node, Switched to Aromasin, T/C/H x 7, NED 6 months - Herceptin only
Aug'06~ micro mets chest nodes, & bone spot @ C3 neck, Added Taxol to Herceptin
Feb'07~ Genetic testing, BRCA 1&2 neg
Apr'07~ MRI - two 9mm brain mets & 5 punctates, new left chest met, & small increase of bone spot C3 neck, Stopped Aromasin
May'07~ Started Tykerb/Xeloda, no WBR for now
June'07~ MRI - stable brain mets, no new mets, 9mm spots less enhanced, CA15.3 down 45.5 to 9.3 in 10 wks, Ty/Xel working magic!
Aug'07~ MRI - brain mets shrunk half, NO NEW BRAIN METS!!, TMs stable @ 9.2
Oct'07~ PET/CT & MRI show NED
Apr'08~ scans still show NED in the head, small bone spot on right iliac crest (rear pelvic bone)
Sept'08~ MRI shows activity in brain mets, completed 5 fractions/5 consecutive days of IMRT to zap the pesky buggers
Oct'08~ dropped Xeloda, switched to tri-weekly Herceptin in combo with Tykerb, extend to tri-monthly Zometa infusion
Dec'08~ Brain MRI- 4 spots reduced to punctate size, large spot shrunk by 3mm, CT of torso clear/pelvis spot stable
June'09~ new 3-4mm left cerrebellar spot zapped with IMRT targeted rads
Sept'09~ new 6mm & 1 cm spots in pituitary/optic chiasm area. Rx= 25 days of 3D conformal fractionated targeted IMRT to the tumors.
Oct'09~ 25 days of low dose 3D conformal fractionated targeted IMRT to the bone mets spot on rt. iliac crest that have been watching for 2 years. Added daily Aromasin back into treatment regimen.
Apr'10~ Brain MRI clear! But, see new small spot on adrenal gland. Change from Aromasin back to Tamoxifen.
June'10~ Tumor markers (CA15.3) dropped from 37 to 23 after one month on Tamoxifen. Continue to monitor adrenal gland spot. Remain on Tykerb/Herceptin/Tamoxifen.
Nov'10~ Radiate positive mediastinal node that was pressing on recurrent laryngeal nerve, causing paralyzed larynx and a funny voice.
Jan'11~ MRI shows possible activity or perhaps just scar tissue/necrotic increase on 3 previously treated brain spots and a pituitary spot. 5 days of IMRT on 4 spots.
Feb'11~ Enrolled in T-DM1 EAP in Denver, first treatment March 25, 2011.
Mar'11~ Finally started T-DM1 EAP in Denver at Rocky Mountain Cancer Center/Rose on Mar. 25... hallelujah.
"I would rather be anecdotally alive than statistically dead."
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08-12-2007, 11:21 PM
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#8
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Hilo, Hawaii
Posts: 1,867
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1. Vanessa, you are not nuts
2. Don't let him make you believe you are nuts
3. Screw him!
4. Later on in retrospeck, I bet you will come out a stronger person.
__________________
*** MARYANNE *** aka HARRIECANARIE
1993: right side DCIS, lumpectomy, rads
1999: left side DCIS, lumpectomy, rads, tamoxifen
2006:
BRCA 2 positive
Stage I, invasive DCIS (6mm x 5mm)
Grade: intermediate
sentinal node biopsy: neg
HER2/neu amplified 4.7
ER+/PR+
TOPO II neg
Oncotype dx 20
Bilat mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction
oophorectomy
2007:
6 cycles TCH (taxotere, carboplatin, herceptin)
finished 1 yr herceptin 05/07
Arimidex, stopped after almost 1 yr
Femara
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08-12-2007, 11:50 PM
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#9
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Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Southern, CA
Posts: 2,511
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Vanessa, No...you are FAR from nuts...I think its the other way around. I'm sorry but your husband is just plain cruel to talk to you that way and say you brought the cancer on yourself. This guy is just mean and *trying* to push your buttons. One of the BEST things you can do when he goes off saying such mean things is total *indifference*. That will drive him crazy and he will be so disappointed that he *can't* upset you which seems to be his ultimate goal for some reason.
You have enough to deal with. Don't give him the time of day. As the others mentioned...get a lawyer if you don't already have one. If he thinks threatening you with a divorce will make you come un-glued...call his bluff and do it. You just don't need that in your life. Thats really nice that he decides to do this every time you find out you have to continue on your chemo. What great timing. He seems to want to turn things around and make this all about him. I am serious....instead of letting him know he is getting to you by pushing buttons....TOTAL INDIFFERENCE! It works..try it. He won't know what to make of that. Give him no satisfaction other then that divorce he wants. I sure hope things get better for you soon. You certainly don't need added stress in your life. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and know we are all here for you. 
Chelee
__________________
DX: 12-20-05 - Stage IIIA, Her2/Neu, 3+++,Er & Pr weakly positive, 5 of 16 pos nodes.
Rt. MRM on 1-3-06 -- No Rads due to compromised lungs.
Chemo started 2-7-06 -- TCH - - Finished 6-12-06
Finished yr of wkly herceptin 3-19-07
3-15-07 Lt side prophylactic simple mastectomy. -- Ooph 4-05-07
9-21-09 PET/CT "Recurrence" to Rt. axllia, Rt. femur, ilium. Possible Sacrum & liver? Now stage IV.
9-28-09 Loading dose of Herceptin & started Zometa
9-29-09 Power Port Placement
10-24-09 Mass 6.4 x 4.7 cm on Rt. femur head.
11-19-09 RT. Femur surgery - Rod placed
12-7-09 Navelbine added to Herceptin/Zometa.
3-23-10 Ten days of rads to RT femur. Completed.
4-05-10 Quit Navelbine--Herceptin/Zometa alone.
5-4-10 Appt. with Dr. Slamon to see what is next? Waiting on FISH results from femur biopsy.
Results to FISH was unsuccessful--this happens less then 2% of the time.
7-7-10 Recurrence to RT axilla again. Back to UCLA for options.
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08-13-2007, 05:24 AM
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#10
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 589
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Vanessa - I want to give you some thoughts from the male perspective...
he's an insensitive moron! Try not to waste your time or energy on this child, he's not worth it. Focus your energy on what's most important...you.
Eric
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08-15-2007, 06:45 AM
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#11
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 503
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Whatta jerk !
Pretend he's a fly that can't be happy unless he's under a pile of horse doo-doo. Some people are like that. What a waste of air.
This is not about him unless you allow it. Ignore him!
Maria
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08-15-2007, 10:44 AM
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#12
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: RHODE ISLAND
(Ed getting me a latte on 2nd Cancerversary Cruise 2008)
'BELIEVE': To accept as true or real, To have faith in, To presume
ALWAYS BELIEVE
Posts: 2,999
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Vanessa
I agree with the girls this is not the worst thing that has happened to you. Shame on him for taking vows and not following through, his loss. And think of this: Poor little insane man with no motivation, how sad it is that you think cancer is willed on, that ignorance leads many to their demise. I do not wish him bad, I just wish him good riddance and to leave my friend alone. Again, shame on HIM for doing this to you in your time of need.
And remember, we will always be here for you and you can always come running!!>>Believe51
__________________
9/7/06Husband 50yrs=StageIV IBC/HER2+,BoneMets10/06TaxotereX10,'H'1X wk,Zometa,Tamoxifen4/12/07Last Tax5/18/07Pet=Rapid Cell Activity,No Organ Mets,Lytic Lesions,Degeneration,Some Bone Repair5/07ChemoFail6/01/07Pleural Thoracentisis=Effusions,NoMalignantCells6/19/07+7/2/07DFCI
6/25/07BrainMRI=BrainMets,Many<9mm7/10/07WBR/PelvisRad37.5Gx15&Nutritionist8/19/07T/X9/20/07BrainMRI=2<2mm10/6/07Pet=BoneProgression
10/24/07ChemoFail11/9/07A/Cx10,EndTam12/7/07Faslodex12/10/07Muga7512/13/07BlasticLesions1/7/08BrainMRI=Clear4/1/08Pet=BoneImprovement,
NoProgression,Stable4/7/08BrainPerfect5/16/08Last A/C8/26/08BrainMets=10(<9mm)9/10/08Gamma10/30/08Met=5mm12/19/08Gamma5mets5
12/22/08SpinalMets1/14/09SpinalRads2/17/09BrainMRI=NoNewMets4/20/09BoneScan5/14/09Ixempra6/1/09BrainMRI=NumerousMets6/24/09DFCIw/DrBurstein6/26/09Continue
Ixempra/Faslodex/Zometa~TM now lower7/17/09Stop Ixempra By Choice9/21/09HOSPICE10/16/09Earned His Deserved Wings And Halo=37 Month Fight w/Stage 4 IBC, Her2+++,My Hero!!
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08-15-2007, 07:52 PM
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#13
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 715
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Vanessa,
What a toxic moron your "paper" husband is. Hit the ignore button when ever he calls, writes, texts or breaths. You are not nuts, you are being harrassed. I am not sure why you are not divorced. There must be a reason, like it is too much work to get rid of this bad guy.
Anyway, you are a doll and keep reminding yourself of that. I bet all of your "local" friends would agree with the sentiments from the Her2 Club. Too bad we can not call Tony Saprano. First Tony could take you to dinner, then he could call one of his boys and then......poof.....
Just wanted to add a little humor to our venting, Catherine
__________________
Catherine
Found my own lump in the shower
April 2006 at the age of 58
Stage IIB, ER- PR- HER2+++ multi focal tumors, largest 2.3cm
Chemo first: AC/Taxol over 16 weeks
Bilateral mastectomy Sep 06
33 rads after the surgery
1 year of Herceptin completed Dec 07
15 years and no recurrence as of April 2021
Last edited by Catherine; 08-15-2007 at 07:53 PM..
Reason: spelling error
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08-16-2007, 08:55 PM
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#14
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 624
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Thanks for all of your comments and the humor, also. I am feeling calmer right now. I haven't heard from him in a week, so I think he may have calmed down, also. I am not going to let any comments that he makes upset me. Thanks again for all the support, I really needed it.
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08-16-2007, 08:57 PM
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#15
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 624
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I forgot to answer the question about why we are not already divorced. He filed for divorce right before I found out I had breast cancer and gave me the papers with a waiver. After I found out I had breast cancer, I refused to sign the waiver, because I was afraid of going through this along, which I am doing now anyway. Also, I am afraid of how I am going to take care of myself financially if I become unable to work. Right now I only work part-time and that is difficult for me while I am doing chemo.
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08-17-2007, 05:36 AM
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#16
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: RHODE ISLAND
(Ed getting me a latte on 2nd Cancerversary Cruise 2008)
'BELIEVE': To accept as true or real, To have faith in, To presume
ALWAYS BELIEVE
Posts: 2,999
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Vanessa
You will never be alone!!! We love you and although not a substitute for a husband, we will do whatever we can to support you...Lovingly>>Believe51
__________________
9/7/06Husband 50yrs=StageIV IBC/HER2+,BoneMets10/06TaxotereX10,'H'1X wk,Zometa,Tamoxifen4/12/07Last Tax5/18/07Pet=Rapid Cell Activity,No Organ Mets,Lytic Lesions,Degeneration,Some Bone Repair5/07ChemoFail6/01/07Pleural Thoracentisis=Effusions,NoMalignantCells6/19/07+7/2/07DFCI
6/25/07BrainMRI=BrainMets,Many<9mm7/10/07WBR/PelvisRad37.5Gx15&Nutritionist8/19/07T/X9/20/07BrainMRI=2<2mm10/6/07Pet=BoneProgression
10/24/07ChemoFail11/9/07A/Cx10,EndTam12/7/07Faslodex12/10/07Muga7512/13/07BlasticLesions1/7/08BrainMRI=Clear4/1/08Pet=BoneImprovement,
NoProgression,Stable4/7/08BrainPerfect5/16/08Last A/C8/26/08BrainMets=10(<9mm)9/10/08Gamma10/30/08Met=5mm12/19/08Gamma5mets5
12/22/08SpinalMets1/14/09SpinalRads2/17/09BrainMRI=NoNewMets4/20/09BoneScan5/14/09Ixempra6/1/09BrainMRI=NumerousMets6/24/09DFCIw/DrBurstein6/26/09Continue
Ixempra/Faslodex/Zometa~TM now lower7/17/09Stop Ixempra By Choice9/21/09HOSPICE10/16/09Earned His Deserved Wings And Halo=37 Month Fight w/Stage 4 IBC, Her2+++,My Hero!!
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08-22-2007, 10:57 PM
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#17
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: CHARLOTTE NC USA
Home town (ECUADOR) South America
Posts: 542
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(From Lily-Ecuadorian's husband). Yeap. This jerk needs to be take out behind the shed and treated to the old form of 'Be a man, son.' teaching.
(I apologize for digging to far into my southern roots)
__________________
Lily Diag April/06 5 months after give birth my son Max stage IV mets on liver (5 tumors) 38 year old, her2+++ and ER+PR+ from32 nodes 4 positives mastectomy right breast chemo before surgery herceptin/carboplatin/taxotere ,clear and surgery have radiation 20, `& then herceptin and tamoxifen NED until Aug/07 body only then 'n June 04-06-07 .1 lesion of 1.6 cm on cerebellum ...novalis ,open sugery 5m.m brain met again novalis, 4mm.In the liver. Waiting 2 months now 3 tumors enroll on T-MCC trial start first infusion Nov 5/07 at Dec 17 scan show one tumor despair the 2nd and 3th diminish Doc said great results until March/08 ct scan show progression 03-05-08 start tykerb & xeloda
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10-01-2007, 11:41 AM
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#18
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 327
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OMG, it sounds so like my soon-to-be ex-husband. I am so friggin tired of men who divorce women going through cancer because it's too hard on them. Once he told me, if he had cancer, he wouldn't take chemo! I mean, guys are such friggen loosers when it comes to fighting and not quitting. This is the point I have to say, I have tried everything I can and he still wants to divorce - so GOOD RIDDANCE - YOU AREN'T MAN ENOUGH FOR ME! RAAAHHHH!!! Love, Julie
__________________
Jan04: Bilateral Mastectomy at age 28
Initial DX: Left Breast: IDC 2cm, Grade 3, HER2+3, 0 Nodes +, ER/PR-. Right Breast: Extensive DCIS ER-/PR+; Stage 1-2a
Feb04-Apr04: 4 AC, dose dense
Aug 04: 4 Taxotere
Dec 05: Bone and Liver METS; Stage 4. Carboplatin/Taxol/Herceptin. DX with Li-Fraumeni Syndrome
Apr 06: NED, maintenance Herceptin
Apr 07: CA1503=14; masses in liver; Xeloda/Tykerb
Nov 07: NED, Tykerb maintenance
Sept 08: Liver mets again, on Tykerb/Xeloda again, CA=19 and 27
Nov 08: Progression, Tykerb/Gemzar, CA=25
Dec 08: Progression, Herceptin/Navelbine, CA=40, 57, and 130
Jan 09: Progression in bone, recession in liver, Herceptin/Carbo/Abraxane CA=135
June 09: CA27/29=24, chemo break
Sept 09: Progression, CA=24, waiting on clinical trial (4 weeks no treatment)
Nov 09: now have brain mets, trial "on hold", getting 14 WBR treatments starting 11/2/09
Dec 09: possible start on p53 trial
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10-01-2007, 06:53 PM
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#19
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 869
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Vanessa, You are in the driver's seat..........don't let this loser get to you anymore ...I know it must be much easier said then done.........you have more important concerns....let your atty handle him. Ceesun
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10-01-2007, 08:46 PM
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#20
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bradenton,FL
Posts: 977
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You have gotten such EXCELLENT advice from the others there isnt one thing I could add EXCEPT, my love and support...unconditionally ...cancer and all. My heart breaks for the all the cruelty we somethimes are subjected to by those who are supposed to love us (or at least used to).
((((((VANESSA))))))))
Marcia
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