bad mood blues

[SoCalGal]

I am in a bad mood - an emotional wreck - crying crying crying. I am helping my daughter get settled into her first apt for her second year of college. I never thought I'd live to see this moment - and was sobbing in Pier 1 today (in front of both her and her sweet roommate.) I explained that I was remembering back to watching the two of them on the soccer field when they were little kids. I told them I felt so blessed to have this moment with them. So honored to be asked to help with the apt decorating and moving.

But-but-BUT- all week long I am not feeling well. Everytime I travel I can barely get through each day. My 8 thousand pills to deal with my 9 thousand side effects. Needing this or that. This week I cut my Tykerb dose down to 3 pills a day. I wanted to feel better! To have more stamina and not need to keep a restroom in my field of vision. It didn't even really help. This constant chemo is getting to me and there is no end in sight. I am sick and tired of it. Sick and tired of not being myself - or not knowing how to deal, alone, with this new self.

Yet I am complaining when I really have nothing to complain about. I logged on here tonight to see what support I could lend and instead I feel more upset with every post of bad news that I read.

I know you are all fighting like mad, too. I am sending us all a big hug. Good night.
Flori

[Jackie07]

Good night. Hope you have sweet dreams.

[harrie]

Oh Flori...
I am so glad you took the time to vent.
It is an emotional time everytime we send out kids back out there. I am sure that just compounds the emotions and stress you are enduring with your treatments.
Hang in there my friend. Maybe it might help screaming at the top of your lungs into a pillow.
No matter where you are, remember you are always cared for and loved for who you are.
Much aloha to you,
Maryanne

[Mary Jo]

Hi Flori,

I'm so happy you took the time to vent too. Often times it's just what we need - to get it out and then we can move on. And what better place to "vent" then here where we all "get it!"

Flori, moving your daughter into her apartment and thinking back over all you've been through....realizing how fortunate you are to be here to witness it all.....is enough to put anyone over the edge. Then throw in the mix....all the meds and side effects.....WELL sweet lady......you have every right.

I hope you wake today with a refreshed soul and a new found vigor to fight the fight.

Asking God to hold you close this day and to give you His strength, peace and joy.

Love to you......

Mary Jo

[Gerri]

Flori,

You are a true hero to me. I often marvel at your ability to take things in stride and just keep fighting. You have been dealing with this disease for so long, of course you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. On top of that your daughter has done exactly what you raised her to do - become independent and now is ready to move forward into adulthood. I know the pride and at the same time, sadness you feel; I have two of my own out there finding their way.

I pray that you find the strength you need to regroup and continue the fight with the same absoulte determination you always show. I know you will; you are amazing.

Much love to you,

[WomanofSteel]

Flori, we all need to vent and we all feel emotional at times. You have been fighting this for so long that I know it is difficult for you. Just remember that it's that constant fight, no matter how hard or how exasperating at times, that enabled you to be there with your daughter and help her get ready for her journey, no matter how emotional you felt. Keep up the fight honey. There's always a rainbow after the storm.

[Colleens_Husband]

Flori:

You have been through so much for so long that I think you have earned the right to be down and to have an occasional meltdown. Give yourself permission to feel sad. If the blues stretches out over a couple of weeks or even months, then you may want to get to your cancer counseling center and they may have an intervention to help you out.

Remember, if your body is sick, you go to a doctor. You should treat your mind and your emotions the same way.

Flori, remember you are not alone. We are on your side. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Lee

[Vi Schorpp]

I hear you saying you just need a chance to regroup. I can't imagine how I would feel with constant chemo, but I'm sure it wouldn't be much different than what you are currently feeling.

I remember being 8 hours into labor with my first child and I just couldn't get anyone to understand that I just needed a break for a little bit, and then I'd plod on...didn't happen, of course, but for that brief moment I honestly thought someone would listen to me.

Since you're not sure how to deal with all of this alone, please let your friends/family help in any way that they can. Maybe it's just listening, maybe a night out, a movie, whatever.

My late mother-in-law taught me an interesting and profound lesson. I was always taking care of the kids, the house, whatever (with help and support for my husband) and was pretty self-sufficient. She taught me to allow others (her) to help so that they could feel better. Maybe a pot of homemade soup, doing laundry when my left wrist had some surgery, etc. It's true, I'm happiest when I feel I'm helped someone or made their day a little better. I think you should allow your friends to feel better too!

[chrisy]

Flori morning glory...
I hope you got a good night's sleep. The constant fighting to keep going, let alone "feel yourself" is draining, I know. I'm glad, also, that you came here to vent. See, you were not alone after all.

Although it's harder to feel it, the cyber hugs and prayers can sometimes, if we hold very still, be palpable.

I think it's possible to feel gratitude for the medical miracles I am beneficiary of AND still wish it would all go away.

I would want to be myself, too - especially if I was as awesome as you. Pay attention to that, and see if you can get some care for your spirit as well as your body.

Much love
Chris

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

let it all go girl that is what we are here for.

I know exactly what you mean and like all of us can sympathize.

After almost 13years of this myself, this has been the hardest year on me yet. I feel tired all of the time, aching, down and weeping. they finally started me on Lexapro and that seems to be helping me. I never thought I would be one to be on anti-depressants My nurse explained to me that after so many years of constant chemo, the seratonin in our brain can become affected causing some of these side effects. You might ask about it. It's a very small pill and very easy to take. I take before I go to bed.

You have had a lot on your plate so do not feel bad venting.

I wish you good luck and hope you start feeling better soon. The combo you are on is a very good one.

[Sheila]

Flori
I can feel your need to vent....you are not alone in this struggle....with the enthusiasm that we let go, we have sorrow...it is bittersweet....top all these emotions with endless chemo it is no wonder you are feeling down...just remember the old saying, when the going gets tough, the tough get going....and you have proven that over and over again...as much as we hate it, for many of us here, chemo and constant treatment has become a way of life....not that we wouldn't give anything to be what we once were...but like many things we cannot change, we seem to be able to find solace...peace in what we are dealt...we get mad, then we move on...we are only human, and this disease takes it's toll, so vent all you need to, tomorrow will bring more sunshine into your life, and strength to continue the fight...

[Sherryg683]

I hope you get some good rest tonight. I'm sure it was emotional enough watching your daughter move out on top of everything else. We all need some place to go and someone to listen to us when we need to vent. I think everyone of us on here understands how you are feeling and wish we could be there in person to give you a hug. Take a deep breath and keep fighting, this disease can be so damn exhausting, it's like we never get a total break from it. I'm praying you get to feeling better soon ..sherryg683

[Bill]

Hi Flori! I know you probably had hundreds of memories flash through your mind as you helped your amazing daughter and her friend settle into her apartment. Her first steps, the first time she stumbled and split her chin on the coffee table, the time you comforted her when she broke up with her a-hole boyfriend at age 14, and remembering her and her friend's soccer games, and even the snacks served that day. All those memories come rushing back to you all at once. Time really flies, and everything comes rushing at you so fast, sometimes. And now,,,,she's pretty much a grown woman, in her second year of college. You thought you'd never live to see it, but you have. You have. You are an amazingly strong woman,, Flori, and, at times, we all falter, and feel weak, and God knows, I do not know what it actually feels like to undergo chemo., but I've been around it alot and I know it can be pure he**, so I know that you are more than entitled to vent, sweetheart. You hang tough, sister, and let us know how we can help. Love, Bill

[SoCalGal]

Thank you all so very much. You just get it. Love Flori

[jones7676]

Flori,
I understand and I don't blame you....but I admire you greatly. Remember how many of us look up to you and try to think positive.
I also remember how it felt when my kids moved out every fall to college - it is the right thing to happen but I was always lonesome for them after they were gone.
Hopefully, some rest will help. I think you should do something nice for yourself.....something to perk you up.
Good Luck

[MCS]

I get these too. A memory similar to yours brings it on. Just uncontrollable sobs. or the thought that I will not have another day.

I tell eveyone around me. let me cry. too bad. i need to cry.

maria

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Flori, Flori, morning glory, if you don't feel like glowing today, you are more than entitled. I will love you any way I can get you. You are so very special to me.

I hear you. Why? Because a year after I was first dx, my dghtr became pregnant after 4 yrs of marriage. She was so elated. Me too, naturally. I was in NY and she in Boca. The fact that I would live to see such a moment, maybe to welcome my first grandchild ( in 6 mnths time)was beyond awesome. I felt like total crap! Physically was a wreck of a person. But I traveled to Fla to help Ali (my first baby) shop for her first baby layette. It was my honor! I did thank God for sustaining me and enabling me to reach such a momentous occasion. But, but, but (as you say) -- I was dizzy, light-headed, weak-kneed, utterly fatigued and really shaky. Still she drove and I went. I did not complain. I didn't cry. But I kept thinking (greedy me) WHY CAN'T I JUST FEEL *NORMAL* SO I CAN FULLY ENJOY THIS HAPPY TIME? I am human.

I hear you, my Friend, my Sister Flori. You've surely earned the right to cry, to be overcome with emotion at such *joyful* times, the firsts of our lives. And good for you for venting away here. Very healing. Cathartic! We can take it. Go on, feel free to rant away... We all get it.

Try to think of taking your 8 thousand pills as you nursing yourself to wellness. Personally participating in creating a ca free you. Try, try, to think of the 9 thousand side effects as indications of what the drugs are doing -- eradicating your ca. Please, sweet Flori, smile, through gritted teeth if you must, and KNOW that there will be an end to your feeling sick and tired. You are inching your way to the Light at the end of the tunnel. You have a clear goal. You are working hard as any human Being can to get to that place we all want to be at.

I fully relate to being sick and tired of talking about feeling sick and tired. I bet each one of us can.

BTW, I have suffered from IBS since Taxotere ('98). I take various pills to help the situation. I have the nearest bathroom within sight at any given moment, no matter where I am. I have felt like I was being stalked at all times. Terrified I wouldn't make it in time. Hating bathroom drama, yet praying the drama would be confined to the local john.

But I have accrued some great meds that have let me live a more normal life. I dare say I am close to normal now, 10 yrs later. I will happily share my remedies w/you if you'd like (to speed your process of being closer to normal). I know you hate pills. I think we all do. But sometimes pills can be your friend.

I love my Zoloft (anti d). The stomach is where our 2nd brain is. I read that somewhere. My gastro guy concurs. When my mind is relaxed, my belly becomes mollified. I love my energy boosters. I love Imodium. I love probiotics. I love Fennel seed pills. Bottom line -- there is always hope. Things will get better. Maybe slowly (bummer) but surely (which is the good news)! Don't lose focus on that reality, honey.

I can feel your body as I wrap my arms around you. I can see you and me sitting on the sage couch in your lovely home, chit chatting and dreying (tehe). With copious amounts of LOVE, Andi

[caya]

Flori -
Oh sweetie, I hope you are feeling better today. You are so brave, and have been through so much...
Keep your chin up, dear Flori.
We all have those moments (days,weeks...) You are more than entitled.

gentle hugs to you.

all the best
caya

[chrisy]

Flori,
Don't take this the wrong way, and if I offend you please ignore it and just remember all my responses to you are offered out of love.

And besides, I have a low grade fever and headache myself from that DM1 slappin those suckas down, so I'm not in my right mind.

I know you feel crappy and when you feel that way, it's hard to keep your spirit from following.

But when I reread your thread subject, my little twisted mind just immediately thought we SHOULD WRITE some blues around all this stuff. You done so well with the DM1 rap, after all!

Maybe this would belong on the Keeping Your mind off cancer forum...can't be more scary than Sheilas commemorative thread!

So here goes:


Those d#$n orange pills keep me low to the ground...
Sista, I know ALL the finest restrooms in town...

Just wanna feel normal...whatever that be...
Can't even remember the last time I was me...

I keep pluggin' in to all that HER2 news...
But sometimes I can't shake those bad chemo mood blues....

Got thousands of pills, give me fevers and chills...
Got stadiums full 'o doctors...and drawers full of bills...

I ask 3 oncs and get 5 different opinions...
Thank God for the propellerheads and their Her2 minions...

Huggin lovin and prayin - they all give me the truths...
We're all cryin and laughin through those bad chemo blues...


Dedicated to all the wonderful sisters and brothers here. Especially you, Flori

Much love
Chris

[fauxgypsy]

That was wonderful. Flori, you just keep hangin' in there. By the way, is it you that loves hot air balloons?