Just thinking out loud and sharing my heart

Mary Jo · 01-10-2008, 06:00 PM

Tonight while reading some of the posts and finishing up reading Leroy Siever's blog (he isn't doing real well on his cancer journey) I started feeling kind of sad. Just kept thinking over and over "why?" Why do some of us get early stage and do well ~ some progress and then stable off ~ and some just battle and battle and battle. I know it's the million dollar question. It just got me feeling kind of sad tonight for all those who constantly battle. It doesn't seem fair and of course I know there is nothing fair about cancer.

Oh well, just sharing my heart. Thinking out loud. Knowing you all will understand my post and probably feel the same as me.

Sending hugs to all those who battle day after day. I do care and I do love you all. Praying right now for God's Peace to surround each of us as we journey on.

Mary Jo

Sheila · 01-10-2008, 06:10 PM

MaryJo
You are so right...I am truly envious of those who complete treatment and can go back to "living" a more normal life, but I do think the questions and what ifs are always there. Somedays it is hard to realize and accept that many of us, I for one, will spend the rest of my life "in treatment." Yep, I know my schedule, and my weekly or bi weekly journey; but then I have to snap back to reality and know that this is now my new life, my new normal...I am thankful that I feel well enough to make that 170 mile round trip journey, I am thankful for the people I have met on this journey, and most of all, I am thankful each new day I have to continue this journey!

Mary Jo · 01-10-2008, 06:45 PM

Hi Sheila,

Of course you do - become envious I mean. I would too. It just doesn't make sense and tonight was one of those nights where it really felt unfair to me. I don't know why. I am one of those fortunate ones that was able to "do all the work" and come out NED. Why? I surely don't know. I don't understand it and it even makes me feel bad at times ~ that I am NED. I mean, of course I don't want to not be NED but ~ well ~ you know what I mean.

But like you said Sheila, there is always something to be thankful for. ALWAYS. No matter where we are - we stop and accept where we are (like we have any other choice) and move forward and do the best we can with the circumstances we are in.

So, thanks for responding to my "thinking out loud." It just felt sad to me tonight and I needed to share that with you all.

Love to you,

Mary Jo

TriciaK · 01-10-2008, 06:50 PM

Mary Jo, you are such a dear, caring person! I am glad to know you on this website, and want you to know my heart is touched also by the things you have said. We each struggle in our own way and hopefully grow in compassion and love for each other. I believe that our thoughts and prayers and the ways we reach out to each other are greater blessings than we realize, and that they benefit not only the recipients but the giver as well. I always enjoy your posts. Hugs, Tricia

Diane H · 01-11-2008, 10:15 AM

Oh I do, I do understand your sadness, it can be overwhelming at times. Sending you and all here hugs back.

With hope, Dian e

Brenda_D · 01-11-2008, 11:06 AM

I read Leroy's daily blog too, and yes, it bothers me that he isn't doing well. He's fought hard.

I also found out that a lady I worked with has a brain tumor. She's under 40.
I found out a local pastor had kidney tumors. They were removed and so far he's doing well.
I was also told that my SIL found a lump in her breast, and this is after having surgery last fall for removal of a melanoma on her leg. She's having a biopsy soon.
A lady that lives next door to my niece, had BC years ago and had surgery for an ovarian tumor. The CA had spread to her bowels and more. She's having a rough time, but fighting hard.

All this, and others I know that have passed from cancer, some still too darn young, are what make up the urge for me to do something for fellow CA patients. I do what I can in letting them know that some help is available in 2 local organizations.
I wish I could do more, but I'm not doing well physically myself. I have no idea if mine is CA or treatment related, but hopefully will find out soon.
Then I plan to get more involved in helping others.

Vanessa · 01-11-2008, 11:26 AM

Thank you Marejo for your concern. I have those same feelings, especially when I am praying at night, trying to get everyone in and feeling sad how about how some people are worse off than others or thinking about those who have already passed. It is overwhelming. Hopefully, someday we will understand.

Mary Jo · 01-11-2008, 12:49 PM

Yep Vanessa, that's what I always say "someday we will understand" but for now it makes no sense. At least not most of the time. The one thing I do know is that God did not give us cancer. Bad things do happen to good people BUT God doesn't cause it to happen. This is the world we live in with it's sin and all it's imperfections. Perfection and perfect love is waiting for us and that's what keeps me going. I know God knows and I know He feels our pain and I KNOW He cares. That alone, brings me much comfort.

When the questions come and my faith wavers I always concentrate on the one verse that carried me through it all (and still does) "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and were called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28 He picks me up EVERYTIME.

Love to all,

Mary Jo

dhealey · 01-11-2008, 02:48 PM

MareJo, I completely understand your feelings. Sometimes I sit here at the computer reading others posts with tears in my eyes. Especially the younger ones. None of this cancer stuff makes sense. Why some are Stage I and get to stage IV very quickly and keep battling it out and others who are stage IV and keep on going strong. I never had my faith waver during my own cancer battle, but when my 35 year old son-in-law was diagnosised with malignant melanoma which he has mets to lymph nodes, I started to lose my faith and get angry. It just makes no sense to me. But alas tomorrow is another day.