Have You Noticed People Avoiding You

LOPSIDED · 12-29-2007, 04:00 PM

Telling People That My Cancer Has Become Active For The Third Time Has Not Been Easy. I Understand That People Are Sometimes At A Loss As To What To Say, But I Have Noticed Some People Can't Get Away From Me Fast Enough. Sure They Are Polite And Tell Me How Sorry They Are And Of Course I Get The "you Can Beat It Again Speech." I Had Kept In Touch With Some Of My Co-workers Thru E-mail. I've Noticed Some Of Them Have Not E-mailed Me At All Since My News. Part Of Me Is A Little Angry, But Then Again I Don't Know What To Say Myself. I Make Great Effort Not To Complain And To Stay Positive So That I Am Not A Downer To Be Around. Anyway I Knew I Could Vent Here..........Thank You, All You Wonderful Women Who Inspire Me With Your Courage And Strength.

Chelee · 12-29-2007, 04:26 PM

LOPSIDED, I know exactly what you mean. I'd had the same thing happen to me and I too make sure I don't ever bring up anything related to my cancer nightmare unless they ask me about it. I am always walking around with a big smile on my face...and I come off as very positive to the people in my life. (The only place I bring up anything related to my bc is on the boards or in a private PM.)

From the minute I was Dx I can't even tell you how many people walked out of my life. I went through my entire journey alone with the exception of this board and one other. I thought now that I have hair and look back to *normal* people might start coming back around...but that has not happened. When I do accidently run into people I know...I get ALL kinds of excuses from them as why they haven't called or came by. (They are all very lame excuses at that.) All I know is when I needed people the most they disappeared. I am so sorry to hear you have been dealing with this too...its not easy. I've heard so many reasons as to why people do this to us once we are DX...but I'm not sure I am buying any of them? Your not alone on this one...you certainly came to the right place to vent this.
Hang in there.

Chelee

Mary Jo · 12-29-2007, 05:58 PM

Hi Sheila.

I'm happy you decided to "vent" to us here. "Venting" is good and sometimes, through this journey, our feelings get hurt.

It isn't you...........it's people that don't know what to say.........they don't know how to handle themselves, so it's easier for them to just not acknowledge the person. It's too bad is has to be that way but sadly it does happen. I'm sorry that is happening to you. I'm also sorry this has been your experience too Chelee. How painful these experiences must be for you.

Sending you both my love and blessings of Peace,

Mary Jo

PinkGirl · 12-29-2007, 06:49 PM

Hi Lop
I have only lost one friendship since being diagnosed and I think
this person just got "tired of me". Some of my other friendships
have changed but the friends are still there for me.

I think this might be a reflection of our society's attitude to illness
in general. People have a very difficult time dealing with the "randomness"
of cancer. Deep down they want to think that we did something that
caused our cancer, and if they don't do what we did, they won't get it.

Just my opinion, but I think we are a big reminder that this can happen
to anyone.

Yorkiegirl · 12-29-2007, 07:39 PM

Lopsided I know what you mean.

When I was Dx'd 2 1/2 yrs ago, I lost two friends, both of whom I never in a million years would have thought would have been that way towards me. It hurt very much.

Glad you got your vent out, it always helps.

mrsd · 12-30-2007, 07:02 AM

Thankfully I have only one lost friendship, I choose to think she was never really a friend. I was always there for her especially when her marriage fell apart and she left her husband, I too thought she would be there for me. My real friends, and co-workers have supported me and my family throughout this very bumpy ride, both when things were great, NED, and when I recurred. Without thier support I don't know what I would have done, my family have not and do not really discuss my illness, which I accept and hold no hard feelings about, for them it's just the way they have to deal with it. But as I said this is a very interesting post and I am curious to see the responses of others.

BonnieR · 12-30-2007, 09:04 AM

The psychologist at the cancer center said to me "when you get cancer you learn who your friends are". And she was right. A few people dropped off the face of the earth. But more heartwarming was to find some suprising support from unexpected sources. More "casual" friends who really stepped up and became great sources of encouragement. Human nature sure is interesting!

LOPSIDED · 12-30-2007, 09:13 AM

Thank You For Your Kind Words, Your Responses Made Me Feel Better. I Am Lucky To Have A Lot Of Support From My Boyfriend. God Knows He Didn't Sign Up For All This Drama. He Has Done So Much For Me And I Know I Can Count On Him. There Are Several Friends That Really Surprised Me, One Is A Great Cheerleader When Things Are Good & I'm In Remission. But When Bad News Comes She Disappears--no Calls, E-mails Nothing. She Only Pops Back Up If She Has Heard Thru Someone That I Have Improved. Another Person Will Show Up The Next Day If I Call And Say I Shaved My Head. She Makes Me Feel Like A Exhibit. I Only See Her If She Thinks I Have A Great Side Effect To Show Her. But I Am Not Mistaken---a Number Of People Have Dropped From My Life. I Guess I Can Look At It Like This---I Have Been Given The Gift To See Who My True Friends Are And Maybe This Has Shown Me How To Be A Better Friend. The People That Have Left My Life Are Not Bad People. I Just Hope For Them, When They Have To Face A Crisis And They Can No Longer Run From It --That They Too, Will Find Strength & Courage & Grace.

charlotte · 12-30-2007, 04:33 PM

Ii can relate to this thread, big time...I have a few friends who have stayed the course..... I also have someone in my family who goes to the extreme and only wants to talk about " what did the Dr. say?", " and I love this one.... " How long do you think you are going to live?".. I have gotten my husband to run interference for me as I think this is getting to much in my face.. so he now tells them, if you want to know anything about her condition, ask me... not her..

Bill · 12-30-2007, 06:39 PM

Hi Sheila! I'm sorry to hear about some of your "friends" dropping out. I think they call them "fair weather friends". Thank God you have a good boyfriend. Please know that you have alot of friends here, even though we can't be with you physically, from now on we will be with you in spirit. We will think of you often, pray for you often, and miss you when you do not post on the site. Love, Bill

Bill · 12-30-2007, 06:44 PM

Hi Charlotte! Your post actually had me shudder, I guess that's the feeling. We had similar comments thrown at us, as many of you probably have. It's good that your husband has given you a wall of protection. Stay strong, Bill

sarah · 12-31-2007, 02:32 AM

It's not only illness that scares people away. We have friends who've lost their husbands and for about a year afterwards my husband and I were among the only people who had them over for meals and went on trips with them, etc. Eventually their friends came back but it took time. Handicapped people have the same problem - no one wants to look at them or smile or say hello to them.
Maybe we should make up a "letter" that explains what we would like - hugs, no talk about illness or death or..., go for walks, go to the movies, share meals together.... Something we can hand our friends and family. My brother didn't speak to me after I told him until I quoted Mark Twain and said "hey I'm still here!" then he called but he doesn't stay in touch much. he's afraid.
I know the first time around all my friends called to ask me what I had, what was I going to do, how could they help and of course every time I had to talk about it, I was sad so finally I emailed all my friends (hope they weren't offended!) to say I didn't want to discuss my illness but would be happy to talk to them about other things.
None of us are pros at saying the right thing. I just hug people and let them talk if they want to or not.
I think it must be awful to be alone and sick or sad. Women particularly need company.
Books have helped me tremendously through this ordeal and I have a husband who stands by me.
Here at least, we have lots of friends who are genuinely there to help us and understand and isn't that a wonderful gift.
Happy New Year to all.
hugs and love
sarah

fullofbeans · 12-31-2007, 04:22 AM

I very much relates to many of the above posts and for me too I have seen people that I knew disappear, and some other stepping up.

What I found is that some people are very keen to help at the beginning doing more that is even required and being almost more emotional about it than yourself as if they were living it..then after few weeks/months you only hear about them rarely..that pissed me off I have to say because they almost make you feel bad for feeling bad for you and then almost disappear!

I do not agree fully with that "you see who is your friend", I however think that you see their strengh of charactere, just like we do for ourselves, some of us give up even with amazing support around them and some other fight alone.

Now that I am NED and that I look """normal""" I take great pleasure to join sport clubs and meet up with people that knows nothing of my condition (cosmopolite cities like London is good for that). I have asked many of my friends not to tell anyone about it so when I go to parties I do not feel like an untouchable..and yep fed up talking about it specially when you are stage 4 NED people do not know what it involves.