Days up...then days down

Ruth · 03-30-2007, 01:33 PM

My father passed away suddenly while watching T.V. a few weeks ago and I feel like I am losing it. They suspected a massive heart attack with no prediagnosis, no indication of anything wrong with him. He was only 71 and the best father, Opa and friend I could have ever had. We were so close and I was with him every day and thankfully always told him how much I loved him. My parents built their dream house right next door to me and had only been living in it a little over a year. My ex husband moved out within a month of them moving in assuming that my dad would take over the role of father to a 11, 9 and 3 year old (which he lovingly did).

I just turned 40 and truly hoped that my life would take a upswing since so many bad things have happened in my life since my 36th birthday. I find myself having really good days and then I feel like it is all too much for me. I now have to watch over my devastated mom, 3 devastated kids and trying my best to remain "stress free" and keep my cancer sleeping. I have met the most beautiful supportive man in the world and deeply in love with him BUT the adjustment of that is also stressful on the kids and my life (my oldest wants ex-jerk back of course instead of anyone else so there is conflict between the two). Also now dealing with two mean jealous ex's and running a very large business by myself. I never want to have a pity party and try my darnest to not have one but since my daddy died I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I thought about medication but I really can't take any...I must get boys to soccer; be two parents in one since Ex moved over 2 hours away; take care of my Mom; big house with busy, busy 4 year old and concentrate at work. Too many people depend on me to not fall apart. Even my 3 cats and dog need me!
Well, maybe now I feel a little better since I got to vent. I think I am just so sad and I don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone gives me pressure not to be sad...hence worried being sad means stress and cancer returning. I'm in a no win situation with everyone that is close to me because they all want me to be happy all the time. How do you all deal with things like this? I want to just curl up in bed and cry for one whole hour but don't even have the luxury of doing that since all my kids are so afraid. They worry I will leave them too and sometimes I can't even go to the bathroom by myself without one of them hanging around.
I don't really have a question so thank you for letting me get some of this out.
Peace ~ Ruth

hutchibk · 03-30-2007, 01:57 PM

Ruth - you just vent away! Love, hugs and prayers to you through all of these challenges... and I am so very sorry for the sudden loss of your father.

I think we all experience many of our well-friends and well-family wanting us to be happy and optimistic all the time. It helps assuage their own fears about cancer. And they think that if we are happy and optimistic all of the time then it's all going to be OK. THEY look to US for reassurance. What a weird twist that is! We are the ones who live with it everyday, either in our body or potentially again in our future, and are the ones who need to let some of the fear and pressure out from time to time. It is a big weight to carry. That is one reason that this site is so important and valuable. As well, it definitely helps me to hit some support groups from time to time and I go to counseling as well.

chrisy · 03-30-2007, 02:03 PM

Oh Ruth,

What a lot to deal with. But I figure you have that in your signature for a reason! You are a very strong person - although I know how it feels to just want to say ENOUGH! And sometimes you do just need to curl up in bed and cry. I hope you make some time for yourself, to love and care for yourself along with everyone else. And make those cats curl up and purr and give you some furry therapy - it works wonders.

lu ann · 03-30-2007, 03:20 PM

Dear Ruth,

You must be German. My friend at church is called Opa by his grandchildren. His wife was born in Germany.

You need to find some kind of support to help you with your grief. You not only lost your dad, but you lost your children's dad. Try as hard as you can to not show negativity about him to your children. I've seen it with the friends I have who constantly bad mouth their children's dad and it only causes the children hurt and confusion. You don't have to build him up to be a saint, but rather you can let them know how you feel about your dad. It sounds like he is one in a million.

Take care and know that you have us for support. You will feel better if you allow yourself to grieve appropriately. I sometimes take a ride and have myself a good cry. It is very cleansing.

Blessings to you from Lu Ann

Debra · 03-30-2007, 05:49 PM

Why Ruth. You make my daily challenges look pretty small compared to what your dealing with. You sound like your the support board for your loved ones but you have to remember, you are allowed to have others to lean on as well. You can come here and vent anytime because everyone here are great listeners! You need others around you to give you big hugs right now so seek those people out. I allow myself to have pity partys now and again. We deserve that as well!
I am sending a hug your way.

mke · 03-30-2007, 07:39 PM

Holy buckets!! That is a lot to deal with. I don't have a whole lot of faith in the positive thinking will help your cancer thing, but stress is unlikely to help. And not being able to grieve is stressful.

I think that it might be a good idea to do some counseling for a while. Then at least for an hour a week or so you can actually state what you are feeling and thinking without having to be superwoman. My situation on my previous round of BC was not as bad yours, but it wasn't great and a few months of meetings with a psychologist helped a great deal.

Take care, vent as much and as often as you like.

saleboat · 03-31-2007, 04:59 AM

Ruth-- your strength humbles me. You have so much on your plate and it is so natural to feel all that you are feeling. The others around you are traumatized too, and can't be there for you in the way that you need. In these situations, having a therapist to speak with, even if for just a few months, can be such a healthy addition to one's life. This cancer crap just magnifies all of the other bad stuff that can happen, and I echo the other comments here-- you just have too much on your plate, and I hope you can take some 'me' time to do the healing that you need.

And please don't put the added pressure on yourself-- while a stress-free existence is nice, it isn't going to do anything regarding your cancer. I think it can be helpful to your health in lots of other ways, but cancer is too complex to react to stress. Stressing about stress is only going to make you, well, stressed.

Wishing you luck and peace,
Jen

cafe1084 · 03-31-2007, 06:07 AM

Ruth,

It is so hard to believe, but I was in the very similar situation you are in several years ago. My grandmother and best friend died in april.My dad died 3 days after Christmas the same year. 2 weeks after burying my father, my husband and I split. I also have 3 children who were distraught. My kids and I moved in with my mother and stepdad, which was a trial, but grateful to have them there. I was working upwards of 60 hours a week. That entire 2 year span was sheer hell. I found myself unable to focus on anything, having crying jags that lasted for hours and came from nowhere. I remember sitting in the doctors office and bawling, telling him I thought I was losing my mind. I had never taken meds for anything ever before and was so resistant to it at first. That beautiful man prescribed me Prozac and a low dose ativan to get me through the first little bit until the prozac was working. Without those meds, I may very well would have lost my mind. There was too much weighing on me, as it sounds like is the same case with you. It did not hinder my functioning and I was finally able to focus on the things I needed to focus on in my life and deal with my dads death in a constructive way, instead of deconstructing myself the way I was. I took the prozac for about eight months and it made my emotions somewhat blunted, but at that time, I feel that was exactly what I needed to function. It was all about survival at the time. Girl! Go get something to aid you through this!! Prozac may not be right for you, but there are so many out there to choose from. There is no reason for you to suffer needlessly. You have alot on your plate and you are still expected to handle it and pretend everything is fine and dandy. It's not fair, but that is what people expect of you. Get some help with that, especially because of your cancer diagnosis. I don't care what the research says, stress does kill, not just with MI's and hypertension.

Losing your dad never gets easier. It's been 7 years since I lost mine. He was only 51 and it was slow and painful for him. It makes me sad daily, but thankfully, it is to a much lesser degree most days. I will keep you in my thoughts!
Stephanie C

DianaK · 03-31-2007, 12:39 PM

I am so sorry about your Dad and everything that you are going thru.My Dad died of a heart attack when he was 59.It was devastating-BUT I did not have cancer at the time or my son yet-I can see how stressful this would be for you.Please come on here and let it all out-or you will explode.I really feel for you-Diana

Jean · 03-31-2007, 03:17 PM

Dear Ruth,

I am sorry that your Dad has passed...it is never easy to loose a parent.
Try to think of all the good memories you have (it sounds like you have
many). Plus all the other baggage with your husband. Life is so difficult
at times, but try to understand that it does get easier with time. It will
take time - wishing you peace.

Kind Regards,
Jean