[v-ness]

i am almost 5 yrs out from BC, almost done with tamoxifen. i lost my husband in 2007 to stage 4 esophageal cancer only 10 weeks from diagnosis. on sunday my boyfriend went to the ER because of unrelenting fatigue and lack of appetite and dizziness 5 wks out from the flu. blood tests showed him anemic and in need of 2 units of blood, so they admitted him. i KNEW at that moment he had cancer and it was advanced - that was exactly how it had gone down with my husband (who needed 4 units). CT showed 'nodes on liver' so my worst fears were being realized. they did a blood test for a primary cancer and he came up positive for colon cancer, confirmed by another CT and colonoscopy.

i am absolutely beside myself. i can't believe this is happening again. he asked me to be calm and strong and 'his rock' and when i talk to him i am, and sometimes i am even positive and hopeful by myself, then have extreme meltdowns. he's got a consultation at Dana Farber april 6 and will have surgery on his colon and assigned his chemo cocktail. brain scan and all showed no other mets.

the reason i am turning to you guys is because i am extremely anxious about his continued level of fatigue. he felt great immediately following the blood transfusion and dealt with all the news. however, yesterday when the onco called him about his path report she told him he was Stage 4 and apparently he hadn't realized that previously! i thought he knew. i swear i even referred to it. anyway, he said that he was 'enjoying looking at the sky and trees' and couldn't wait to climb a mountain again (2 yrs we vacationed in cinque terre and hiked). but at 9 AM this morning he emailed saying he was going to try to come over but wasn't sure he had the energy.

i know the psychic drain of a cancer diagnosis quite intimately, so i suspect some of his exhaustion is from that. god knows it makes you want to curl up and hide. but i wanted to ask those with liver mets at diagnosis - did you feel a high level of fatigue? surgery is 1pril 8 and yet he has only walked up and down his driveway. for years he went to CrossFit and until the flu he was quite a vital and fit man. his kids are going to pay for a personal trainer who deals with ill people but it hasn't happened yet. i am so worried that his fatigue will make him lose even more weight and lose strength. he also has blood clots in his family history so i stress to him how important it is to MOVE!!

he is a worrier, big-time, and has had much on his plate in the past year. i am afraid he is collapsing under the weight of this. is this kind of fatigue normal after he got all that blood back? i know this is breast cancer specific here, but stage 4 and liver mets must still have a lot in common across the cancer board.

i am giving him Love, Medicine and Miracles because i think he will gain a lot from reading it. i am re-reading it myself. i realized last night while reading it that i was the 'exceptional patient' the book speaks of. i want jon to be the exceptional patient, too. but i know i can't make someone pull themselves up by their bootstraps even if i am helping. so i am distraught....

v