[Debbie L.]

I don't really have anything to add to this discussion (so many wise words), except to say that just because some partners don't say things like "no one ever asks how I'm doing", it doesn't mean they don't have the same feelings as those who do talk about it. I take it as a good thing that some are able to talk about how it is for them, this experience of breast cancer. This experience that hits the whole family.

Being the caregiver is such hard work, on so many fronts. I hope that when going thru hard times as couples, we can try to take things less personally, and cut each other a lot of slack. For some couples, getting thru illness can deepen the relationship and for others, not so much. That's just how it is. If everything else in a relationship is and always has been decent, then it seems reasonable to me that if the partner is unable to offer the support we need, we find that support elsewhere and see if we can tough it out. And we try to make sure they have access to support, also.

I say the above from a little different perspective. I'm an obstetrics nurse and I've participated on the periphery of so many births, and seen so many different couple-dynamics. There are some wonderful spouses who just don't or can't "do" the medical stuff. For various reasons, and the reasons probably aren't important. What seems to work the best in these instances is that both partners recognize the reality, and the birthing partner finds others to support her in the medical parts of birthing while still including the partner in everything else. With as little judgment or guilt in the mix as possible.

This does not apply, or course, when the partner is just a total self-centered jerk who has maybe been borderline all along and the challenge of illness brings out the worst. I'm not trying to be an apologist for unloving and unsupportive partners. But especially in a young family, for whom perhaps breast cancer is the first challenge they've faced together -- this is a steep learning curve! It's too bad there aren't more things in place to support families -- something like a "couples' night out" support group, or other caregiver resources, especially for those of us in the boonies. Books can help sometimes, but the "here's my story" ones can sometimes be MORE isolating, not less -- because we all react so differently.

Sorry, that was quite a bit of "nothing to add" (smile). I was going to go back and delete that but it's kind of funny.

Debbie Laxague